I want to change

I used to be a bully since I was a kid. I even almost killed someone (I pushed a girl down the stairs) and I emotionally abused my ex boyfriend , my parents and my friends.

I really want to change but I don't know how. I'm afraid my abusive nature will come out again after a while.

How can I be sure that I won't become abusive again ?

I think the best way is to develop aspects in yourself and even hobbies that make you feel proud and increase your self-worth. Certain sports might even be a good release for anger. Basically, channel all this energy into being productive. Volunteering might even help. There's lots you can do!

Plus, perhaps this needs to be discussed in therapy. There are therapists who specialise in helping past abusers... though I also think that no-one is 100% just an abuser or 100& just a victim. We can each occupy these different poles at different parts of our lives. It's good that you recognise that you behaved harmfully, but I don't think focusing on continual remorse is the only or best solution to endure you never act in an abusive or violent way again.

Also, I think you deserve some distance from acts committed as a child. I pushed my brother off a chair when I was young and he hit his head. He was okay, but if he had hit the corner of the wooden box he landed against, he may well have been seriously injured. I regret that I did such an idiotic and mean-spirited thing, but I also recognise that I was very young myself and that my brother didn't die and that we are now on good terms.

I absolutely think you can change.