So scared

I hate to write this, i've never written this down or told anyone because of how horrible it is but seeing what people have written here I realise that i'm not alone.

When I was 10/11 I started pretending to have sex with my brother who is 5 years younger than me. We just rubbed against each other. I didn't know what sex was and I got no pleasure from it, I just felt like it was what other people were doing. It didn't go on for long.

Now I can't stop thinking about it and I worry about how my brother is feeling and if it haunts him. I feel fundamentally evil and i'm scared that my brother will tell someone. I want to kill myself because of it. I feel like i've completely messed up his life, although he is doing ok.

I had to bring him up from a young age because my parents weren't able to and I also feel like I brought him up wrong. I couldn't set the right boundaries and let him have anything he wanted. I know a child can't really be expected to bring up a child but I feel like a failure. If anything bad happens to him it will be my fault.

I should be executed.

You were just a child man , you didn't do it on purpose. I feel the same way because I also sexually assaulted my brother when we were kids , but we didn't know what we were doing.

I did that to my niece. It was fun. She had no idea what we were doing, it was only a game to her. She probably doesn't remember a thing now after so many years.

DarknessFalls wrote:I did that to my niece. It was fun. She had no idea what we were doing, it was only a game to her. She probably doesn't remember a thing now after so many years.

I'm not going to edit this as obviously only you know how you feel, but I'd hope that you now recognise that even if it was fun at the time, it was also inappropriate. Without knowing the age gap I'm not going to hazard whether it was abusive or not - I just feel that your comment veers a bit towards the kind of minimization that some paedophiles use to justify their behaviour (I absolutely wouldn't judge anyone's desires or thoughts in-and-of themselves, but it is important to recognise the morality and legality involved in this issue). Thanks.

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aplaceformyhead, you absolutely shouldn't be executed. That would be grotesque, fascist and utterly immoral. Personally, I don't believe in the death penalty full stop, but if it was introduced for the punishment of crimes committed as a 10-year-old, I would probably be lighting myself on fire in the street in protest I would be so sickened and outraged!!! Honestly, I cannot express enough how much I disagree with that.

I'm sure you wouldn't say the same thing about any other young child so please don't say the same about yourself. It is totally alright, maybe even a positive thing to regret what you did at such a young age, but don't judge a 10-year-old (even your past self) in the same way you would a fully-grown adult.

Finally, it sounds like you were put in a position you were far, far too young to deal with. Sadly, it's not entirely surprising that things didn't turn out as you would now have wanted them to. You were thrust into a care-giver role, which must have been scary and confusing for such a young child. Please don't beat yourself up so much.

I was around seven and she was around, like, five. That isn't an age when anyone would think about inappropriateness. I still don't see what the big deal is, as such things are pretty common in childhood. I'm sorry if you misinterpreted it, I should have been more explicit.
I should add that as an adult I'm not attracted to children at all, but that doesn't mean I ought to feel remorse about something silly that happened twenty years ago.

oh I'm not worried at all then - apologies

because she was / is your niece I'd imagined a larger age gap