Only sexual experiences have been with prostitutes

by **zeikseig** » Mon May 18, 2015 11:27 pm

I am a 27 year old guy and I've always been socially awkward and unable to connect with girls. I also grew up in a religious household where sex outside marriage is not acceptable. When I was about 21, I discovered online escort ads and I started going to them. At first I didn't want to lose my virginity to an escort, so I just did oral sex and stuff like that. But then eventually I went to this one that I found very attractive. First time she let me use a strap on dildo and I figured you know, I might as well just go ahead with it because this is a really hot woman. So next time I told her I wanted her to be my first and I had sex with her. Basically I ended up having trouble getting it up and couldn't last long. I was 23 at the time. I went to her a couple more time, but I also went to about 5 others, 2 of whom were really unattractive and I don't know why I even did it with them. Most of my experiences were so quick I don't even know if they count, I pretty much put it in and finished right away. That was all in a one year period and since then I never tried to have sex again, I have just been going erotic massage type escorts. But I feel so guilty about the fact that I wasted my first experience on a prostitute and about the fact that I had sex with some of those really unattractive trashy women. Also, the fact that I've had sex with SIX people who meant nothing to me and ZER0 who I actually cared about. I feel like I wasted my first experiences, which should have been memorable and meaningful. And just today someone on a forum was talking about how only a cold person without a heart can have sex with someone and not feel anything for them. I feel like there might be something wrong with me. I am wondering if it could be because of how I used to watch a lot of porn. But I just feel really ashamed of myself and like I turned out the wrong way.

Utter nonsense - please don't take to heart what they said.

Sex can of course be emotionally intimate if it's with someone you love, but without the love sex is all about the satiation of one of our most primal urges. It's like drinking when you're thirsty or eating when you're hungry. Let's get real.

The elephant in the room here is the effect your religious upbringing had on your attitudes towards sex. I'd explore that deeply. There's nothing wrong with holding out until marriage, but equally there's nothing wrong with satisfying your needs (with care, of course) outside of that particular legal arrangement. You absolutely should not feel guilty about it. That guilt you feel is likely manufactured by the conditioning of your upbringing. It's not what I would call "healthy guilt".

Sex is whatever you and your partner (and I use that term loosely!) want it to be. That doesn't mean it'll always be great sex, or even ok sex. Sometimes you might feel like you'd have had a better time masturbating to some good porn. But that's after-the-fact.

If you do find someone with whom you end up in a loving relationship, there's no reason why the first time with them should be any less special than if it was your first time period. In fact, many would argue that, because first times do tend to be awkward, it can be beneficial that you already had that prior sexual experience.

You have a heart that pumps red blood. You have testosterone and a sex drive. Don't feel guilty about dealing with it in a safe way.

by **sprock** » Tue May 19, 2015 6:59 pm

Agreed. As long as none of the people you paid for sex were underage or victims of sex trafficking (an indicator might be that they speak very little British and the monetary transaction is conducted exclusively with a pimp) then you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about IMHO.

There are certainly ethical problems with prostitution as it currently stands and I can see how the relationship between a prostitute and customer might become coercive i.e. with the client demanding that certain acts are performed which the woman has stated she does not provide as part of her service. Working in retail I'm also too familiar with the 'customer is always right' mindset.

But as long as you were decent and non-abusive, there's zero to feel guilty about. Honest.

by **zeikseig** » Tue May 19, 2015 11:01 pm

I actually live in the U.S. These prostitutes did not have pimps and I am pretty certain there was no coercion going on. They were not street prostitutes or anything like that.

It isn't the religious morality aspect that is causing me to feel ashamed. If I had sex with a girl I was dating or even just had casual sex with a high quality girl who wanted to have sex with me, that would be great. It is more so the stigma against seeing prostitutes that is causing my guilt. I feel like seeing prostitutes is associated with creepy old men who can't get girls. It is not something I would ever want associated with me.

Another thing that is causing me to feel guilty is that I intend on keeping this a secret from everyone, and as far as everyone I know is concerned, I am still a virgin. I kind of have this weird anxiety around this. I am afraid that I will somehow be caught in the lie and exposed. One thing that keeps coming to my mind is what if in the future there is some lie detector technology that is available to the public and I am subjected to a test where I am asked about my first sexual experiences.

by **epiphany55** » Wed May 20, 2015 2:29 am

I take your word for it that the religious upbringing has nothing to do with the guilt. I'll drop it.

It's difficult for me to comment on why such a stigma surrounding using escort services would exist. I don't see any reason for such a stigma existing and I don't know to what extent it does exist. I know (young) people who have paid for sex, and it's such an insignificant factor in my judgement of who they are. I honestly don't understand why people would care.

If you hang around with open minded, down to earth people, you will not be stigmatised. But there are people out there who have a "holier than thou" attitude towards others. It's up to you who you invite into your life and what you tell them, but don't automatically assume this stigma reflects the attitudes of most people. Especially in the States, where you're supposed to be able to get anything you want in the pursuit of happiness.

...as far as everyone I know is concerned, I am still a virgin

Why do they think you're a virgin? Why would they even care either way?

You have to ask yourself how much of this is purely in your mind and how bad the implications really are in terms of your present potential, being who you want to be today, now. Obviously a society in which thought police exist is a scary prospect for anyone who cherishes privacy and liberty. But that's just a dystopian fantasy and not worth your worry.

It has become a trite thing to say on these forums, but have you considered talking to a therapist about possible OCD symptoms or similar? It might be the recurring thought patterns themselves that are the real problem, not the content.

Many people come on these forums with feelings of guilt and fail to get replies, I imagine because people reading simply do not understand why they feel guilty. OCD can cause people to worry or feel guilty about things that people without OCD would not give a second thought. No matter how genuine your guilt is, a lot of people simply will not understand why you are giving yourself such a hard time. OCD and similar conditions can be the explanation. Something to consider.

Other than that, I can only reiterate that seeing escorts really is no big deal, whether it's your first or last sexual experience. You may say it's a big deal to you, and I appreciate that, but there is no rational reason that I can think of to feel guilty about it.

by **sprock** » Wed May 20, 2015 10:48 am

zeikseig wrote:I actually live in the U.S. These prostitutes did not have pimps and I am pretty certain there was no coercion going on. They were not street prostitutes or anything like that.

Then you have nothing to feel guilty about. So, your only concern is being "found out". I don't see why you should be and I don't feel it is an issue you would need to raise with anyone, except for maybe an intimate partner. I guess it might be a good idea to have an STD check just in case, but apart from that there honestly isn't anything to worry about.

One thing that keeps coming to my mind is what if in the future there is some lie detector technology that is available to the public and I am subjected to a test where I am asked about my first sexual experiences.

Part of me really wants such a thing to exist as I hate hypocrisy and the likes of Bill Cosby (who you are obviously nothing like!!!)

But I don't actually think such a machine is possible. Currently lie detectors are far from perfect. The reason IMO a 100% accurate lie detector will never exist is because:

1.) Words have different meanings to different people i.e. if you asked the late Ike Turner whether he ever beat Tina he might respond: “Sure, I’ve slapped Tina… There have been times when I punched her to the ground without thinking. But I never beat her.”

2.) People are very good as denial and cognitive dissonance! See above. People lie even to themselves, both knowingly and unknowingly.

3.) Memory is very, very, very far from being perfect.

...

So, such a machine is never going to exist!

If however it -miraculously- did and every citizen was subjected to it, I honestly think the amount of people exposed for doing far, far worse than you've ever done (i.e. raped someone; severely injured their child' tortured an animal to death; etc. etc.) would mean that no-one would be paying any attention to the fact that you once paid for sex.

by **Sonseearae** » Thu May 21, 2015 5:24 am

zeikseig wrote:But I feel so guilty about the fact that I wasted my first experience on a prostitute and about the fact that I had sex with some of those really unattractive trashy women.

I want to share something with you that I wrote to my wife, many years ago.

When we are advised to “accept ourselves for who we are” we automatically consider and reconcile ourselves to our shortcomings. We try to accept the fact that we’re a bit overweight or not the most experienced person in the office; we accept that we’ll never be as smart as Kyle or have flawless skin like Jessica. To truly accept ourselves as we are we need to go beyond and behind our fears and first actually see ourselves as we truly are. Consider this:

Until I met you, never has a woman been able to stupefy me with her beauty. You know that it’s true. You’ve watched as our conversation sputters, my train of thought gone, the complete bewilderment and utter confusion on my face as I get lost in you. To me, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known; but beauty couldn’t have me.

You are the most intelligent woman I have even met. Intellectually gifted, street smarts, emotional intelligence, you are the complete package. I bring everything to you; holding nothing back because of a fear that you won’t understand. The subject might be obscure, the concept revolutionary, the depth daunting – but you intuitively grasp whatever subject matter I bring to you; but intelligence couldn’t have me.

You possess a self-awareness born of wisdom attributable only to an old soul. Your ability to peer behind fear and see things as they truly are is astounding. You’ve amazed me from the first day we met and that amazement only grows. Able to grow beyond your programming, you are freer than most will ever be. From our earliest days I knew and I shared with you my desire to always watch the world reflected through your eyes. You are my beloved teacher; but wisdom couldn’t have me.

When love abides in a person, there is a light that emanates from them; the energy from that light is palpable and measurable. We ponder the strange behavior of the moth, drawn inexorably to the light and yet, their behavior is far from strange; all living things are drawn to the light. You are my light, you lift me up and help me to become more than I could be without you. Only love could have me; it took love.

Love is light, light is energy and energy has a frequency that determines compatibility between other sources of energy. Whatever you think of me baby, whatever significance or greatness you might attribute to me, whatever spirituality or love you find in me, know that in all the universe, you are my perfect balance. Accept yourself for who you are; accept your greatness and your divinity. Dare to reject the diseased and decrepit tapes, which speak of insignificance and brokenness. See yourself as you truly are. See yourself as the only woman I’ve ever felt worthy to be my world.

I was studying for the monastery when I saw her; my coffee forgotten, slipped from my hands. I saw God. Most of us tell ourselves that God is inside of each of us, a little slice of the divine pie. We hope it's true but we don't really know. In that moment, I knew. God stood before me wrapped in a Michelle suit. Enter the monastery to find God or worship the Ultimate through this girl? Wasn't really a question, as you might imagine.

Thirty years later I still thank her every day for agreeing to become my wife. Before that she was a prostitute.

by **Seangel** » Fri May 22, 2015 1:58 am

Wow, Sonseearae (A

!

It is an amazing letter!! How much love, how much deep love you feel for this woman. My spirit rejoice in your words, in your happiness, in the life you've had together.

Sea

-- Thu May 21, 2015 9:07 pm --

Zeikseig,

I don't think that people who have sex without feelings involved are cold or heartless.

I think you are in for the ride of your life the first time you have sex with someone you have feelings for. It's going to be amazing!!!

Maybe society has made too much "fuzz" about "first times". Sometimes we need a second, third and even seventh time to make things right, to feel things deeply, to have fun. "First times" might be over... Appreciated.

Go on a meet someone, fall in love, make love to her for the first time in your life, and then come back us and tell us how it went.

Sea

by **truth2bscene+** » Sat May 30, 2015 8:21 pm

I've been an escort for 20+/- years. You have no idea how many young men accessed my services to launch their sex life. I believe their shame was more about lacking any sexual experience and the fear of what a first partner may think of this fact. I always respect my younger, transgressive oriented clients for seeking out the services of an experienced woman, presumably to jumpstart their sexual prowess/confidence and identity.

Simultaneously, I live the stigma of being a prostitute. My clients cannot begin to understand the isolating effect it has had on my late 20's ++ adult life. This is my choice to bear the weight of, nothing you should carry. Unless you are looking to impress and court a daughter from the TV reality show, "19 Kids and Counting" I would think you are gonna find more success w/ "quality" women by adhering to the Truth. Saying you are a virgin is probably going to freak women out as opposed to having a "normative" repertoire consisting of at least 5 ladies (bonus is their experience becomes yours when you accept it as a gift). You are part of the status quo. Isn't this what you want?

by **sprock** » Mon Jun 01, 2015 5:17 pm

I'm sad/angry to think you have to live with any stigma at all. It's ridiculous. As long as the customer isn't coercive and the woman (or man) is engaged in sex work through free choice as is over 18 then there really shouldn't be a problem. Society has daft priorities.

Only sexual experiences have been with prostitutes

Only sexual experiences have been with prostitutes

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