**TW**

[Mod edit at request] ~ thread had moved to second page and topic resolved

OP committed act as young child. Now adult and long passed statute of limitations and will not offend again.

cantfunction, first of all **do not kill yourself**

You are a human being and as such have a fundamental right to life.

Secondly, I don't think killing yourself would be a moral act. I think it would be an attempt to escape suffering and all that it would do is transfer the suffering onto your wife and children. They don't deserve that and neither - for that matter - do you.

Obviously your post brings up both legal and moral issues... I think it might be useful to get a better sense of the situation first:

1.) What triggered your recollection of the molestation?

2.) Does [edited to remove identifying information] the victim know about your behaviour?

Thanks,
Sprock

EDIT: I've also put a trigger warning in your original subject line.

I would never hurt myself, but the thought of how much less painful that would have to be crossed my mind as making sense. I would never hurt myself physically.

1. I was sitting here thinking about how much I love my wife and how I've made a lot of mistakes since we've been together, and then that one came up. I don't want there to be any secrets between us is what I told her last week, and then a few days ago I realized the secret I was keeping could no longer be dismissed as a hormonal kid acting out of urges but had to call it what it really was for the first time.

2. No she does not know.

-- Wed May 13, 2015 2:35 pm --

Again, let me reiterate I would never hurt myself in any way, I'm just terrified of what I've done and the guilt and shame I am carrying right now is very heavy. I am working through this and finding a way to come clean about this situation but it's extremely difficult. I know I wont have peace until I come clean. Please, any advice from anyone.

Sometimes what appears to be the virtue of honesty can be motivated by pure selfishness or ignorance. It can be a way for someone to unburden themselves, which is not in of itself a bad thing. But if that means the burden then gets put on someone else, and creates suffering as opposed to relieving suffering, then I think we have to be very cautious about what we reveal to others about our past selves.

This is especially true if we know deep in our hearts that we are not the same people we were in the past, whether that change has come from remorse or just the passage of time.

I can think of many cases where honesty is indeed the best policy. Perhaps it's true of most cases. But in cases like the one presented here, I would advise caution over what you reveal and how you reveal it. Honesty for the sake of honesty makes no rational sense. We need to think about what the real implications are of what we say, and whether those words will truly represent who you are now, because a lot of the time you will simply be representing a non-existent ghost from the past and, at the same time, causing immense suffering for the people you love.

It just doesn't feel like a secret I can hold from the one I love forever. The woman that gave me two beautiful children that have changed my life and my approach to the world. It is impossible for me to imagine growing up with this woman and holding this in. I know it's going to be painful, and several times the last few days I have wanted to just blurt it out and let the chips fall where they may. I know a much more nuanced approach would be ideal but it just doesn't seem like there is a real way out of this than owning up and accepting my punishment. I wouldn't learn anything from the punishment, but I would at least feel that I've atoned in some way.

The shame and guilt I have for what I've done is just taking everything away from me. My appetite, my ability to sleep, my ability to be close to my wife and kids whom I would do anything for. As selfish as confessing may be to soothe my soul, I feel like my wife has earned that for what she has given me. That she has earned the right to be with someone worthy of her love and the wonderful things she has to offer. I don't feel good enough for her. I feel like a fraud. I love her with every ounce of my being, and having to keep this a secret forever would be a burden I am too weak to handle. I've changed so much through the years, I appreciate the smallest things in life. I quit my career to work from home and not miss a day of my kids growing up and not miss a morning of being able to wake up and spend time with the person I love. I volunteer, I donate, I help out anyone at anytime, I am the first to give everything for anyone. But I feel no matter how good I am now, it is tainted by my acts.

I have a severe case of OCD from growing up in the Catholic Church and this has been such a burden on my brain and body. I don't know how I can make this situation be ok. It will never be ok.

You have to be able to prove to yourself that you're not just going to blurt this out for your own peace of mind (i.e. to unburden yourself no matter what the cost to others). You have to be pretty certain that in the long run revealing this will strengthen your relationship as opposed to destroy it.

You also have to consider whether you are truly representing who you are now through your honesty. This is the one people tend to overlook. If you really have changed, you have to be willing to put your present self on the line for something your past self did. If the change between your past and present self is so significant that you know you would never do something like that again, then what you are in fact doing is asking to be judged for what is as good as someone else's actions.

I personally think that is utterly absurd.

Now people may say that reeks of shirking responsibility, and perhaps I am just saying that because of my bias due to my own remorse. But as long as I remember, I have felt there is something inherently wrong with judging a truly changed wo/man on their past actions. You see, only you know how much you have changed. So in revealing the past to someone else, no matter how close they are to you, you have to be certain they know how much you have changed to the degree you know it.

This is a real test of how well somebody knows you, but you must accept no matter how well you think they know you, they will never know you as well as you know yourself.

Many people will be aware of the futility in desperately trying to convince their loved one they have "changed". They may sincerely mean it, and know it, but it's just a cliche thing to say after you have admitted a past wrongdoing! There is no getting away from it.

So I guess the real question is, will you be able to convince this woman you are a different person? And really, is it for anyone else to judge that but you? The only person who truly knows it?

Funnily enough, I barely know you, but I for one believe you have changed. Your gushing remorse proves it. I feel it through every word you type. But I'm not the one you have to convince.

After sitting here feeling absolutely horrible about this for several days, I've decided the only thing to do is tell my wife what happened and go from there. She's at work now but I can't live another day with this shame and guilt. I don't know if it will make things better, but I feel like it can't get any worse. I don't know if what I'm doing is stupid. If it's the easy way out, or the hard way. I'm so lost and disgusted with myself that I will do anything to face up to what I have done. I don't know where this leads. Prison or what. It's the scariest thing I've ever encountered in my life. I've read through almost every thread on this site the last few days and I appreciate what the people here have built, it is an incredible resource for anyone going through any of this.

I am only now coming to grips over the last month that I along with several of my cousins were taken advantage of by our uncles growing up, as well as knowing our grandfather raped one of his daughters. I would do anything to protect my children, they are my heart and soul, but I wont be able to live with what I am keeping inside for the rest of my life and look at them without it running in my head. I feel like I don't deserve the good things I have, even thought I am proud of the man I have become. I pray that this doesn't make things worse, I don't see how it could.

I don't mean this to sound dismissive but anyone reading your posts would assume you've done something a LOT worse than simply touch someone's bottom. Most people would hopefully know it's wrong to inappropriately touch someone, but please let's have some perspective. Nobody has died or had their life ruined. There are people in this world who endure terrible abuse on a daily basis, who are starving, who have had their families torn apart. And you feel like a monster because you touched someone's bottom, which they don't even know about?

I am so tempted to say "snap out of it". I just feel this sense of immense frustration that someone would feel their life is over because of this.

*deep breath*

You have said that there is an OCD element to this caused by a strict upbringing and now you say you were taken advantage of by your uncle. I think in general you need to let your past go, and that includes the incident that prompted this thread. You then need to get therapy for your OCD as these things will keep coming back if you can't learn to tame the mind.

Nobody was harmed by your actions and you are killing your potential as a loving, decent human being by constantly reviving something that happened nearly a decade ago. You don't deserve to be tied to your past like this.

Whatever you choose to do, please seek therapy for your OCD and to help process the events of your past.

I just want to echo what Epiphany is saying. Sometimes, for various reasons, life does not allow us to obtain closure with the people we feel we need it from. You may want to investigate ways of making peace with things on your own; for example, some people find that writing helps: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fi ... -3-letters
Others have found that a symbolic gesture of some kind is very effective. You might also want to look into what AA/12-stepping calls "Indirect Amends."

I agree that you should try and find a way to stop attacking yourself about this forever, which helps no one.

It sounds like you were a molester as a teen but not anymore so I would forget about it and move on if at all possible. If you are filled with guilty thoughts then your focus will be on yourself all the time.