Guilt over porn

I'm an 18 yo male whose been dealing with depression anxiety, and pure-o ocd. I've always watched a lot of porn, since i was about 12. It started out fairly benign, but eventually it took increasingly taboo fetishes to get off, such as incest porn. Recently though, I started looking for underage girls. I only found one site the first time i looked, but a couple months later i went on the darknet and explicitly looked for porn with underage girls. I didn't find anything after a little while, and i decided to stop looking. it didn't occur to me until recently, after hearing about sex trafficking, that these girls may have been forced. The idea that i may have been getting off on people basically being raped made me feel horribly guilty. Even though I didn't have any intention of hurting anyone, I know I have no excuse. Also, I know that everyone in my life would see me as a pervert if they knew the truth. Whenever I try to spend time with my family or friends, all I can think is "if only they knew..." I live a fairly easy life, and I don't feel like I deserve anything I have. I want to either come clean or kill myself, but I know both of those things would hurt my family, so I don't know what to do. I don't want to carry this weight for the rest of my life, but I feel like I don't deserve to live a normal, happy life. These obsessive thoughts have become consuming enough that I feel like I'm barely even there when I'm talking to people, and I'm tired of living this way. I would appreciate anyone's opinions on how serious what I did actually is, and what i should do about it.

*I tried to post this earlier, and I think my computer was having issues. If not, I apologize for double posting

First of all, don't ever try to look up child pornography again!! (though I believe and hope you have already learned this lesson)

Secondly, all child pornography is a document of child abuse as children cannot consent to sex (though I recognise this may not be the case with 16 and 17-year-olds in some places, but I think most people would recognise that "sexting" between age appropriate peers is not always morally the same as most online child pornography, as I understand it, though legally it is always worth remembering that there is no distinction).

Basically, viewing child pornography is contributing to something terrible and evil. I think it is healtht that you feel some degree of guilt over this.

However, from what you have suggested, you avoided actually accessing any photos or videos. Take it as a blessing that it was a failed attempt. Look to this as an important turning point to re-evaluate your relationship with pornography.

Porn is moderation is totally fine as long as it's legal and those involved are consenting adults who haven 't been hurt or exploited. But veering into darker territory like the stuff you mentioned (obviously child pornography, but also largely true of bestiality, documents of rape and other abusive pornography) is morally culpable and not something you want to associate yourself with.

My advice is do not attach your sense of self to this forever. You are still young. Recognise that you almost went to a very dark place, but you are pulling yourself back from the edge of that place. Personally speaking I don't feel you crossed the moral event horizon or permanently marked yourself, but it sounds like a close call.

Don't ever do it again.

But allow yourself some forgiveness.

Genuinely kind regards,
Sprock

Thanks for your reply, it was really helpful and encouraging. I definitely won't look up anything close to CP ever again, and I think I'm going to take a break from porn in general.

No problem and I'm really glad it was helpful!