**Did I abuse my sister, and what should I do now**

**OBJECTIVE OPINION AND ADVICE DESPERATELY NEEDED**

I am a 20 year old female.
There is a 6 year age gap between me and my younger sister (currently 14).
We have a really good relationship.
I suffer from and am in therapy for depression, social anxiety and struggle particularly with obsessive thought patterns.

Recently my sister, has been coming to me with lots about sex and sexuality. I have responded to them in the most practical and positive way I could. She wanted to ask me about some worries she had about masturbation, and told me about how some of her earliest experiences - the child-typical 'humping' of a pillow or soft object to obtain a 'nice feeling'. She says this goes back to the age of 8/9. This way (apart from one time when swimming?!) is exactly how I learnt of it as well, and I let her know that it isn't considered odd or strange. She found this a great a comfort, having previously thought this behaviour to be "weird".

Nothing about this conversation was difficult, but it did bring up in my mind some very uncomfortable memories that until now, I'm ashamed to say, I've done my best not to think about. I have tried to make myself talk to my psychologist about this but I am terrified of the response. I have an on-going issue with suicidal thoughts and even researching things on the internet has lead me to think that, if I truly am guilty of doing something terrible, then I don't know how I could live with myself. PLEASE, PLEASE, do not let this change the nature of any replies, I am in need of HONEST responses.

There are two specific incidents. I am honestly struggling to identify a specific age but I believe at both of these times I was between 12 and 14, making my sister between 6 and 8.

BACKGROUND) I had recently learnt how to get the 'nice feeling' with a pillow and was doing this quite frequently. I had a lot of confused feelings around it, some good and some bad. Began with lots of feelings of shame which lessened, and then lead to curiosity. I learnt eventually through sex education that this was masturbation and it was normal. I also figured that you were meant to have these feelings with another person.

May I emphasise I had NO sexual attraction to my younger sister, now did I want to make her feel anything at all.
1) I feel sick typing this, but this first incident revolved around my curiosity as to what it would feel like to pleasure myself with the weight of someone on me. I went into my sister's room and suggested a game, something about me giving her a piggyback on the mattress. With her on my back I rocked/rubbed myself against the mattress underneath. I do not remember achieving orgasm, because it was uncomfortable, and I did feel that what I was doing was strange- so I stopped.

2)I think a long period of time passed between this first incident and the next. I was then curious as to what it would feel like to have a human body underneath. But I am sure I knew that touching or rubbing myself against my sister was wrong. So I created another game with an innocent nature, where we stacked up loads of pillows and my sister lay on top of 3 and under 3, and I went on top. Exactly the same patterning as with the piggyback game happened: rubbed self against the stack of pillows, within which there was my sister (!!?!) but for less time again- it felt wrong/creepy and I stopped.

FIRST WORRY: do these attempts at orgasm with my sister's unknowing participation count as a sexual abuse, and might they have affected her in anyway. Developmentally my sister is healthy apart from some teenage anxieties that have appeared in the last couple of years, and has a normal attitude towards sexuality, but I can't be sure there isn't something. Other than the actual 'rocking/rubbing' described above I swear to have made no sexual remarks, comments, touching of her body, or sounds.

SECOND WORRY: although we're incredibly close, we are six years apart in age which I know from internet research means this manipulative behaviour of mine can not just be held down to sibling curiosity- six years is a substantial enough age gap for this to count as an abuse if the actions themselves are deemed abusive. Also I was not a child, I was a very intellectually able adolescent and responsible for the workings of my own mind. I can't believe that I let myself do these things. If I was in fact 13 turning 14, does this definitely a) increase my culpability b) mean the deliberate actions I took carry a warning about my sexual habits in adult life?; would it be encouraged for me to confess these things to my psychologist with this in mind?

THIRD WORRY: Should I feel guilty at all, or more guilty than I do already? I am racking my brains for further memories related to these events and am paranoid that maybe I am not letting myself remember something that would seriously mark me as a dangerous pervert- because perhaps this is possible. I consider my actions as perverted but due to my mental health I need confirmation from someone with an objective perspective. I know how capable I am of extremely complex worrying and obsessing over facts relating to guilty feelings. I don't see how I can feel this awful without a cause, but also there is perhaps a chance (that I am clinging on to) that maybe all of these intensely guilty feelings are more to do with my mental health than perceived wrong doing. There has been a case of this covered previously in my therapy.

ACTIONS: who do I tell/speak to now? should I seek help for my sister?

I have been as factual and clear in typing this topic as I can, if anything needs confirming/reexplaining I shall ofcourse do so on request. I hope some of you could please help me shed some light on what is now a disturbing and blurred thought/memory pattern that I need some help understanding objectively.

Thank you

c.a.s. x

hi CAS,

First of all, yes, people can feel awful for no particular reason. Actually it is better to say, that they can feel awful for no apparent outward reason. If someone is predisposed to anxiety, depression or other forms of mental illness, there doesn't really need to be a reason besides the physiological problems they may have. Of course, it can be made worse or triggered by situation in the outside world.

So it stands reason that someone with depression and social anxiety, who is struggling particularly with obsessive thought patterns, can take a harmless couple of incidences and ruminate to the point of panic and worsening depression.

That is what I think is happening when I read what occurred between you and you sister. I had to read it three times to see if I was missing something substantial, that might go either way, but I couldn't find it.

But I know it is substantial to you, and I am sorry it is making you feel bad. I really think you should talk to your therapist about it. If you trust them and feel comfortable with them, I'm sure they will give you positive feedback and show you that there is nothing to worry about. More than that, they will be able to put this is in the context of what you have been diagnosed with, which I think is the real culprit here.

Otter.

You did what seemed logical to do as a middle schooler. I see nothing here to suggest that you harmed yourself or your sister in any lasting way, if at all. Here's a good link to common OCD thoughts, such as: "people with OCD don't spend their time wondering how to talk themselves into believing they're not going to be doing a child any harm by molesting them or anything like that. Instead, they tend to be concerned with the exact opposite, being preoccupied with how to preserve the safety and well-being of others...for someone with OCD to abuse a child or commit another crime, it would mean that high principles of concern for the safety of others and well-established personality traits would have to be overridden, which takes some time and wouldn't happen just in a moment."

But, you don't have to take our word for it. Find someone trustworthy (easier said than done airite) and hear what they have to say about it. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised if not relieved. You and your sister are okay.

I don't think you abused your sister, but this wasn't right, either.

You were not exposing her to sexuality. You did not touch her, she did not touch you.

However, yes, this wasn't right and I'm sure you are aware of that. BUT, you were young. You weren't doing these things to hurt her and it did not affect her. Unfortunately, childhood sexuality (including at 12 - 14) is normal, and sometimes if we're not aware of sex and have no education on it, things like this can happen. It was done out of ignorance. I know these like this have happened to me, and most weird sexual instances didn't mess me up at all. The only thing that ever messed me up was a time my brother got on top of me and did that rocking thing directly on me, and I did the same to him. Your thing is more mild than that and you weren't doing any sexual acts on your sister, like he was doing to me. You were really just doing it to the pillows, haha.

What I think you should do is maybe talk to her about it and ask how she feels. Confessing your childhood mistakes might help your conscience. If you don't want to do that, talk to a professional and ask for their advice. I think that this was a case of ignorance to sexuality and wasn't exactly completely your fault.