please help! did i molest my younger brother??

As a child (i was around 7 or i was curious about sex and i asked an older cousin (in his 20's) about sex, and he told me. He would touch me sexually, tell me about men and that i made him horny, show me xxx magazines, and how sex works and i consented, i enjoyed it, being told that i am desirable. i saw it as a good thing, but a secret. even though i never got orgasms, because i was a child. i became promiscuous and would behave in a way a child wasn't supposed to around grown men, but after this, it was my only exposure to sex, i would have disturbing fantasies about pain and pleasure, being hurt in order to feel good, etc.

around the same time after this, when i was about 7, 8, or 9 (hard as i try i cant remember the exact age, but i was young), my small brother was 3 years younger. i was in the bath tub with my younger brother and i told him "someone told me about sex" and then i told him where to touch himself, and then i touched him. i showed him where the penis goes inside a girl and to be honest i don't remember much of it, but i know i wasn't forceful, we were caught by the help who sat us down and told me it was wrong. i started crying and immediately felt guilty and apologized. this was the first and last time it ever happened and they bathed us separately from then on. did i molest him?

we weren't that close, but we became close as teenagers, and nothing even remotely inappropriate has ever happened after that event, i feel disgusting, i don't know what to do. i have tried my best to be a good sister. he has never brought it up, and he considers me his favorite sister, but i cant live with this guilt anymore. i know what i did was wrong, from the moment i did it and got caught, it changed my viewit wasn't a harmless secret, it was bad. i have never lusted over him, but intrusive thoughts have made it impossible to get through my daily life, this issue bothers me deeply.

You were acting out due to being molested yourself by an adult. I don't believe either psychology nor criminal law would consider what you did molestation. In psychology child sexual abuse is generally defined with the abuser +5 years older than the victim, within a few years it is called 'peer abuse'. However, I feel this was closer to [EDIT: wrong word, sorry] 'exploration'. The behaviour may have been inappropriate, but what was needed was therapy and assistance for yourself, not punishment. Please try to bear in mind how very young you were. You were a victim and I believe that you brother should be okay. Have you ever spoken about what happened with your cousin to anyone else?

thank you for your reply @sprock
no, ive never talked to anyone about it, its something i feel very much responsible so i would never dare "out" myself over the years. i don't feel i deserve to call myself a victim, i let it happen, and it happened with more than one person after that. i'm a complete opposite person now, probably because of this, but i have ocd and my intrusive thoughts are with me every day, all day and i know that i deserve them. i was terrified to tell because i would have gotten in trouble, my father is one person i would never dare cross. i understand it better now, because i know that it wasn't harmless sexual exploration. by the definition of exploitation, this was still abuse?

Hi,

First of all.. you absolutely deserve to call yourself a victim/a survivor or any term you choose here..
and you'd be more than welcome in the abuse forums to talk through what happened with your cousin..

There are many members that can relate to you acting out sexually with your peers due to what happened to you..

I absolutely wouldn't call what happened between you and your brother abuse.. i'd call it childhood exploration.
Many many children do this.. and I think the help who bathed you did the right thing by explaining to you that it wasn't the way children should play together but perhaps no-one followed it up properly with you..
it should have been explained to you at the time in a really gentle way why it's not supposed to happen.. but not in a way that made you feel like you'd done something terrible.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.. as an ex child that once acted out with my friends.. and as a mother who knows just how young and innocent young children should be- please try and trust me when i say that you don't have anything to feel guilty of.

xx

Please listen to CG. She's explained it better than I ever could

Honestly, you're not a molester. Promise.

@seabreezeblue @sprock
I know this is months later, but I just want to say thank you for your insight and response. I really have been ruminating on this situation, so i'm glad I finally got to say something to another human being. I'm going to seek further help as this has been weighing on my chest for years, and its had a big impact in my mental health.

Really glad you're seeking help for yourself. You deserve it.

I'm glad that our replies at least helped a little bit.