Is This Abuse?

When I was a child (I can't remember what age, must have been 10-12) When my brother was asleep I used his hand to touch myself and I also remember looking into his pants and reaching into there, I don't recall actually touching his privates though I might have? My memory is vivid :\ Anyway I'm feeling so guilty to the point I feel like I want to die, I feel like the most horrible abusive terrible person. I keep telling myself it's abuse because of the face sleep doesn't equal consent and reading other people's stories like this everybody says it's abuse. It's eating me up inside. I also feel like I'm having false memory or fearing that I wasn't a child, when deep down I know I was.

I told my mom about this. Her first reaction was "It's totally normal for kids to experiment, I did it when I was younger too." But then my OCD compulsion to confess kicked in. I felt more guilt because I feared that I didn't make it clear to my mom that he didn't give me consent so I went back and confessed to her that he was sleeping. But my OCD is still obsessing over "What if she doesn't understand he didn't give consent and that I abused him?" Because I forgot how I worded it and I'm scared I'm not making it clear even though I have. I can't stop obsessing and being compulsive and it's destroying me.

Someone help me please, the guilt is unbearable.

You have to stop trying to convince yourself that what you did was not abuse and that you were a kid. The more you try to convince yourself, the worse the worry will get. When you get the worry that you abused your brother or that you weren't a kid, focus your attention on something else. Eventually the anxiety should go away without having to convince yourself of anything.

Thank you for you response. I'm trying with this :\ but it's just trying to accept the fact that maybe I was older is something I'm struggling to get out of my head. I can't deal with this "What if you were over 15?" thought. I realize it's OCD kicking in now because I've confessed to what I've done and accepted kids commonly experiment or feel curious but It's genuinely terrifying me because my mom said that it would obviously be bad if you weren't a kid. My mom even said to me "You wouldn't have been 14" like it's a bad thing so how on earth can I sit with such a what-if in my head? I don't have any idea what age I was and age is such a huge thing...because I'd have known it was wrong and sick and it would mean I'm a sexual abuser and my mom and family would need to know the truth.

-- Wed Apr 22, 2015 4:46 pm --

Sorry for responding again

I told my mom I'm worried about not knowing what age I was and she said it's fine as long as I wasn't 16 or over. Now I'm in extreme panic and anxiety worrying if I was 16. I told her that now my OCD will make me worry if I was 16 and she sounded kinda mad and told me I need to think about something else. It has really triggered me...I feel like I want to die, why can't I feel settled and accept I was a child? The what if is destroying me. I'm sure I was much younger than 16 but then when I feel this anxious I'm completely unsure of everything and it feels real???

There is NO WAY I can accept uncertainty like "Maybe I was 16" because from what my mom said it makes me an abuser and she'd hate me, I can't live accepting something like this.

It's predictable that the anxiety is getting worse as you try to convince yourself that you were young when it happened. It is pretty clear what is happening. You have the obsessive thought that you abused your brother or that you were older (14 or 16) when it happened. The compulsive behaviour is to try to reassure yourself that your actions were not a big deal, or to try to figure out how old you were. Then you start analyzing meaningless statements like "you wouldn't have been 14" and the way that the person said it. The way to get better is to stop trying to reassure yourself.

What is stopping you from stopping reassuring yourself? Are you afraid of what might happen if you give up your efforts to reassure yourself?

I'm afraid of what it means about me as a person if it were true, because the fact I can't remember doesn't rule out the fact it could be true. It would mean I'm getting away with it simply because I can't remember, my parents won't know they have a sick person living under their roof. My mom's reaction to me worrying if I was 16 says it all, that it wouldn't be acceptable. I don't know how to deal with living in uncertainty about something this big. This is the worst I've ever felt in all my years of obsessing over thoughts, I feel like I can't go on with life. I seriously wish I was dead, I can't escape these thoughts and I have no one to help me. I feel like a monster.

intomind wrote:I'm afraid of what it means about me as a person if it were true, because the fact I can't remember doesn't rule out the fact it could be true.

Dig a little deeper. What are you really afraid of? The closer you can get to the true source of this fear, without the story behind it, the less substantial you'll observe it to be.

Don't pin your past actions on to your present identity. Learn lessons from the past (both from your past mistakes and other people's mistakes - so there are plenty!), but don't identify with the past as if it defines who you are right now in the same way you wouldn't identify with the actions of somebody else.

intomind wrote:It would mean I'm getting away with it simply because I can't remember...

I don't think remembering such specific details is so important (others may disagree). What's important is that, whatever happened, you have become more conscious of your present actions by learning the lessons of the past. That's how we all grow. It doesn't matter so much what the source of those lessons was.

You aren't in any doubt over what is and isn't acceptable. So drop the story and just use this whole experience to strengthen and clarify your moral conscience. Think more about rational outcomes as opposed to ruminating over what might or might not have happened.

intomind wrote:...my parents won't know they have a sick person living under their roof. My mom's reaction to me worrying if I was 16 says it all, that it wouldn't be acceptable.

If you feel you are sick, seek help, in the same way you would go to a doctor if you are physically sick. But it sounds to me like the sick person (your words not mine) is no longer living under that roof.

intomind wrote:I don't know how to deal with living in uncertainty about something this big. This is the worst I've ever felt in all my years of obsessing over thoughts, I feel like I can't go on with life. I seriously wish I was dead, I can't escape these thoughts and I have no one to help me. I feel like a monster.

Feeling bad is not a sign you are not dealing with it. Feelings associated with remorse do make us feel alone and anxious. But it's your thoughts about the feelings, the stories that form around them, that turn it into deep suffering.

It's time to work on changing the role of your mind in your life. The mind is a tool. It is not useful in telling us who we are because whatever it tells you is based on conditioning factors that go right back to childhood.

As long as you really believe everything your mind is telling you about who you are in this moment, then you will continue to suffer, because it will continue to drag you into the now non-existent past for a sense of identity (can you see how absurd this is?). If, however, you can create a rational filter that labels thoughts as "useful" or "not useful", you'll find that 90% of thought is useless rambling.

The truth is you don't need anyone or anything to define you, whether it's your mum, a random person in the street, your mind, or your past self. If you are defined by anything, it is your experience in the present moment - the only moment that we truly have and will ever have.