Really sorry for posting again just its been 5 months depressed, last 2 months have actually been great, with only small worries about it but recently I've been starting to ponder whether or not I'm an evil piece of **** who hurt children when I was younger,
When I was 9 I used to dryhump and do weird experimentation on my cousins who were 4-5 younger than me and I did this I THINK I did this till I was about 13 and I think I knew this was bad but didn't really think or care as I was young and stupid, I also used to think about having sex with them as I got to 13 but I dont think I did as I cant remember only certain moments, But I constantly think what if I did fully fondle and touch them when i was 12/14,What if I did?! I'm evil and should just commit suicide as I ain't worth sh1t I have serious OCD too and get a constant fear im living a lie and that I molested my cousins as I keep getting an image of going into their room and sitting on my cousins bed but I'm not sure if its false memory Now I'm older I understand how wrong it was what i did and feel like I dont deserve anything good In life, I've attempted suicide twice now because of this I also saw a porn video that reminded me of my cousins at 12-13 and ONE time I stupidly searched ***** "porn" I never saw anything tho but the guilt is still here though (im 17 now) I would never think of doing that to a child now and it makes me sick for doing it and thinking these horrible thoughts
I have a great relationship with my cousins and always message me on fb when they need me so its obvious they don't know,
Please help what can I do to get over this or someone give me reassurance as I seriously worry about this.
again sorry for asking