I abused someone when I was a child. Unbearable guilt.

This is my first post and I am actually highly nervous to talk about this with anyone, but this place seems like a pretty non-judging arena to discuss my guilt.

When I was 6 years old I was abused by a family member of mine that I lived with. He would put his hand down my pants and touch me while I was sleeping, but I would wake up and be aware of what was happening until I fell back asleep. I knew it was wrong and everything, as I was always told that if anyone touched me like that it was inappropriate. However, knowing it was wrong I still did something bad to someone else. My dad and I were in a bad situation just about a month after that where the only place we could go was my grandpa's house and we had to share a room. One night, out of sheer curiosity and wanting to know why someone else did it to me, I did the same thing to my dad. I put my hand down his pants just to see what it was like. Of course, I only did it for a few seconds, didn't go very far down, didn't feel anything, etc. But still it's the fact that I went and did the same exact awful thing to someone else that was done to me. I was only 6 years old. I told my dad about it when I was a little older (like eight) and he cried and seemed really upset. I felt so awful about myself and still do to this day. I have a pretty good relationship with my dad and he doesn't seem to hold anything against me, etc. We've never talked about it after that, but it still really hurts to know that I probably permanently hurt someone I love, even if I was only a child. I feel like a bad and awful person every single day, on top of my pure-O OCD that reinforces these thoughts that I'm a bad person. I also have recurring sexual dreams about my father that stem from this guilt, as I wake up feeling dirty, disgusting, guilty, etc.
It gets to the point where the guilt is so crippling that it is affecting my relationship. I'm happily married, but when I get into my guilt trips about this particular thing where I start thinking that I'm an awful person, sexual predator or something, etc, I don't want to be around my husband, can't be intimate with him and CAN'T tell him why. I guess I just need someone to talk about this with and someone to tell me that what I did isn't unusual for children who were abused, or someone to just tell me that it's okay to let go. I'm scared to go to a therapist for fear of them turning me into the police or something or making a report that i could possibly be harmful now, idk.
Please help.

You were a tiny child acting out the confusing and traumatic abuse perpetrated against you. There is 100% absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. I'd even go further than 100% if I could!

Honestly. Honestly. Honestly.

Your feelings of guilty and taintedness are absolutely due to OCD and have no moral bearing upon you whatsoever. You deserve to be free.

Hi ocd_girl,

You didn't abuse anyone. You were just 6 years old, and trying to process what was done to you.

Do this exercise, go to a place where you can see a 6 year old. Does it look that she has the understanding to abuse someone else?

You were just a child, and what you did was a reflect of what was done to you. Actually, it's a very important sign for adults to know what is being done to their kids. And you did it in order to understand why that was done to you. Imitation. Kids imitate everything they see, that's the way we learn.

What was done to you was definitely inappropriate, and an abusive behaviour, specially if it was done by an adult who should know that these actions are inappropriate.

ocd_girl92 wrote:I knew it was wrong and everything, as I was always told that if anyone touched me like that it was inappropriate. However, knowing it was wrong I still did something bad to someone else.

You had a conflicting situation, and you tried to resolve it. You were told it was inappropriate, but it was done on to you. So you did it, not fully comprehending what you were doing, but trying to solve the conflict that had arise.

ocd_girl92 wrote:But still it's the fact that I went and did the same exact awful thing to someone else that was done to me. I was only 6 years old. I told my dad about it when I was a little older (like eight) and he cried and seemed really upset. I felt so awful about myself and still do to this day.

I think that adults refrain from talking about the subject, because they themselves don't know how to manage it. However, I think it is important for adults to talk to their kids and let them know that what they did didn't was not that awful. I don't think it was in this case, you were just a kid.

ocd_girl92 wrote:I have a pretty good relationship with my dad and he doesn't seem to hold anything against me, etc. We've never talked about it after that, but it still really hurts to know that I probably permanently hurt someone I love, even if I was only a child.

Hey, I don't think your father got affected the, for example, a child would. I don't think you permanently hurt him. Imagine if your child did something like that to you, because she had been done the same. I don't think you would feel permanently hurt.

ocd_girl92 wrote:I feel like a bad and awful person every single day, on top of my pure-O OCD that reinforces these thoughts that I'm a bad person. I also have recurring sexual dreams about my father that stem from this guilt, as I wake up feeling dirty, disgusting, guilty, etc.

You're not bad nor awful at all. You're just feeling really guilty, and maybe because of that the dreams keep coming.

ocd_girl92 wrote:It gets to the point where the guilt is so crippling that it is affecting my relationship. I'm happily married, but when I get into my guilt trips about this particular thing where I start thinking that I'm an awful person, sexual predator or something, etc, I don't want to be around my husband, can't be intimate with him and CAN'T tell him why.

I would definitely encourage you to talk to a therapist. A therapist could help you with understanding that what you did is a normal reaction to children who are abused, and could also help so that it doesn't interfere with your relationship.

It's ok to let go.

Children feel so guilty for their actions, and they don't understand that it wasn't their fault. Your child-self, is the one who is feeling like that right now. You can talk to that part of yourself, and let her/you know that it wasn't her fault, and that she didn't do anything terrible. That what she did was normal, and a way to understand what was done on to her. That it was brave of her in trying to deal with it by herself, and to know that she doesn't have to bear that alone, that you, the adult you, can guide her, and support her.

I hope a talk with a therapist would help.

You could also try and talk it with your husband. Do you think this is a possibility?

Sea

PS: For this no therapist would send you to the police nor make any report, this is confidencial. Unless your life or the life of someone else is in danger or a child is at risk, this will not be reported whatsoever.

I really don't think that a six year old girl touching their grown father's genitals out of curiosity is even in the same universe as abuse.

This is especially true if you were just imitating a behavior that somebody else did to you. To be honest I am unsure why your father would have such a strong reaction to it, I feel like if he would have just chalked it up to a child trying to figure out the world and handled it differently it might not have made you feel so horrible about it.

There are six year olds who still shower and bathe with their parents. What you did wasn't abuse, and if somebody else victimized you then they should be held accountable for their abuse against you. Stop blaming yourself for your father's reaction and what this other person did to you.

Was the family member your Father?, who you at 6 years went down your Father's pant?....T can give you freedom with your voice you can speak those memories . A therapist can let you know it isn't your fault...Once you hear how it isn't your fault that you were victimized then you feel better....They'll tell you things about taking back control, imitating, it could have been your way of telling on the family member if it wasn't your Father. Our bodies are made for pleasure...As embarrassing as it sounds sometimes we do things that reminds us about this pleasure....A good trained therapist can help you...It will be tough and please take your time to open up about what you remember...You'll remember more and more if you don't have full memories the longer your in therapy....

Take care

This is not you being an abuser at all, in any way. You were a young child who was trying to deal with what was happening to you and you acted out the abuse which happened to you. This is a common thing that children who have been abused do - I did it too and so have many, many others. You are not a bad person and you did not do a bad thing. Please try to tell yourself that

Hugs

Cracked

Seriously. You did nothing. You were a small child. I know you are fixated on it and it's hard to convince yourself otherwise but I'm sure curious children have done that and more, besides. Don't beat yourself up for it.

hi there,

I would like to say to you also, you have done nothing wrong, you were the child who was abused.

My situation is different but it helped reading your post and the replies particularly seangels reply, I was sexually abused at the same age as you by my brother, it took me until puberty at the age of 15 to do in essence what you were trying to achieve through your father, I was babysitting two girls who would have been around the age i was when i was abused and i inappropriately rubbed up against them or felt them when we all lay in the bed, i wanted to know what it was like to understand why it happened to me, I never felt any attraction to children ever, i think i was trying to understand my trauma and get closure too it, the girl has no memory of what happened, it was not invasive in anyway yet still i am torn apart now by guilt, I am a mother to 2 lovely boys who i love with all of my heart, the regret over this is really hard to deal with but i am hoping with time i can accept where i was then more and let this go for good, thanks for listening, and I am sorry you were abused as a child.

ocd_girl92 wrote:This is my first post and I am actually highly nervous to talk about this with anyone, but this place seems like a pretty non-judging arena to discuss my guilt.

When I was 6 years old I was abused by a family member of mine that I lived with. He would put his hand down my pants and touch me while I was sleeping, but I would wake up and be aware of what was happening until I fell back asleep. I knew it was wrong and everything, as I was always told that if anyone touched me like that it was inappropriate. However, knowing it was wrong I still did something bad to someone else. My dad and I were in a bad situation just about a month after that where the only place we could go was my grandpa's house and we had to share a room. One night, out of sheer curiosity and wanting to know why someone else did it to me, I did the same thing to my dad. I put my hand down his pants just to see what it was like. Of course, I only did it for a few seconds, didn't go very far down, didn't feel anything, etc. But still it's the fact that I went and did the same exact awful thing to someone else that was done to me. I was only 6 years old. I told my dad about it when I was a little older (like eight) and he cried and seemed really upset. I felt so awful about myself and still do to this day. I have a pretty good relationship with my dad and he doesn't seem to hold anything against me, etc. We've never talked about it after that, but it still really hurts to know that I probably permanently hurt someone I love, even if I was only a child. I feel like a bad and awful person every single day, on top of my pure-O OCD that reinforces these thoughts that I'm a bad person. I also have recurring sexual dreams about my father that stem from this guilt, as I wake up feeling dirty, disgusting, guilty, etc.
It gets to the point where the guilt is so crippling that it is affecting my relationship. I'm happily married, but when I get into my guilt trips about this particular thing where I start thinking that I'm an awful person, sexual predator or something, etc, I don't want to be around my husband, can't be intimate with him and CAN'T tell him why. I guess I just need someone to talk about this with and someone to tell me that what I did isn't unusual for children who were abused, or someone to just tell me that it's okay to let go. I'm scared to go to a therapist for fear of them turning me into the police or something or making a report that i could possibly be harmful now, idk.
Please help.

hi ocdgirl,

i cried reading your post, please do not feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong at all! I too have pure ocd so i can relate to feeling like an awful person and where your ocd can take you, i worry others are thinking i am an awful person or an abuser as I have recently talked about my story to my husband and 2 friends, i worry more about my friends judging me, I would just like to say my friends said to me, the real issue was what happened to you, i suppose you may feel like by blaming yourself you are protecting yourself from feeling the real pain of what happened to YOU, because for years i done the same thing also and we get so used to doing this, in my case I was 15 when i reenacting my abuse and it was totally different to yours but the same reasons behind it, as i was too abused at 6-7 by an older brother, i am totally in so much pain now and feeling like an awful person, i have two young boys and i see the innocence and fragility of children, i am judging my 15 year old self so harshly, its so hard, i know myself 100pc i am not a child abuser but i worry others will think i am, my ocd has me looking at pictures of 15 year olds to understand how young and clueless i was of my emotions etc, i put no thought into what i done and i did not hurt anyone, it was like my subconscious was trying to understand my own abuse, i suppose we can bury things but they do surface because things have to be understood to be let go.

-- Thu Apr 14, 2016 6:21 pm --

CrackedGirl wrote:This is not you being an abuser at all, in any way. You were a young child who was trying to deal with what was happening to you and you acted out the abuse which happened to you. This is a common thing that children who have been abused do - I did it too and so have many, many others. You are not a bad person and you did not do a bad thing. Please try to tell yourself that

Hugs

Cracked

Hi Cracked,
I have too agree with you, for me I did this at 15, it makes no sense for me as I am not attracted or wish to harm a child ever in anyway, i feel like when we are abused as children and we are not given tools to overcome the confusion of this we end up trying to figure things out ourselves, such as the op did, it is sad because we have no awareness of what we are doing at the time, it was only after when i felt guilt about it i knew it was not a good thing to do and i had no desire to act like that again, it is so sad looking back.

[Moderator edit to delete two repeated paragraphs]