Please help

Hello,

I feel like I may be a sex addict because of the things that I have done in the past. I have watched porn since a very early age and have used it as a way to cope ever since, especially after my grandma died when I was 14. Anyways, I'm 19 now and have been trying to get my life on track by quitting porn (which I have done) and getting my relationships back to where they need to be. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years now and i finally told her, just recently, about all the things that I have done in the past, especially sexually because I finally realized that she deserves to know about me. But telling her wasn't easy, I had to go into things that I have done to her in the past that she had no idea about which was taking picture of her during sex without her permission. After telling her what I did she was angry, as she very much had the right to, and now we are better and filled with love and everything is great. But I'm starting to remember more things that I have done to her and am getting anxiety about telling her. I found that I actually recorded on an iTouch for about a few seconds, us having sex without her permission about a year ago. i deleted the video right away, but I guess for a while I didn't think much of it which is why I am barley starting to remember what I did. I know that what I did was illegal and stupid, very stupid and i feel like a damn perve and never want to be that person again. i need to tell her, for her and for me. I can't take the gult any longer and it's really starting to literally kill me, my health is decreasing fast and I just can't think straight. I'm scared that she may just break up with me and possibly report me for what I did. I really want to change my life and be a better person for me and everyone I love. i really can't believe what I did to my beautiful and sweet girlfriend. I just don't know what to do! I have nobody to talk to, nobody to really hear me out, so please, if anyone has any advice, I would definitley appreciate it. I'm sorry for what you have read here, as it may have been disturbing.

You should tell her. While taking a video of your girlfriend during sex without her permission isn't the best decision, it is really not a huge deal. I say this under the assumption that you did not show anyone else the video, but I think your guilt is magnifying the issue. Sure, she will be upset when you tell her but the way you describe your relationship I think you will both get past it. Keeping it a secret will only make things worse, as your guilt will put a strain on your relationship and she will probably eventually sense that you are hiding something from her.

It sounds like you are past your sexual compulsions, so you should not feel so guilty that you made this mistake when you were young and your testosterone levels were raging. Lots of guys make sexual mistakes during that period of their life (I know I did) and there are quite a few worse things you could have done such as cheating.

I strongly believe that being honest with your girlfriend will only make your relationship stronger in the long run, as the strongest relationships are built on trust.

This might not be of any help, but if it were me in the position of your partner, I would not want to know the specifics of what you did AS LONG AS it is firmly in the past and you are not that person any more.

Honesty is important when you have done something that may negatively affect someone in future, but to recall every last detail of your past misdeeds is, in my opinion, often unnecessary and serves no purpose but to keep alive the past self that you wish not to be.

My general "rule" is, do and say that which will cause the least amount of suffering. If withholding a past transgression will cause more harm than good, reveal it. If revealing it will cause more harm than good, don't. Many people "unload" their past on to other people simply to relieve them of their guilt - this is selfish and potentially harmful.

We tell kids not to lie, but in the real world it's not as simple as that. Sometimes it's about not raking up old graves. It's about not misrepresenting who you are today. Sometimes to reveal a truth about the past is simply to hurt someone in the present.

Honesty without compassion, that is honesty for the sake of honesty, is tantamount to cruelty. What is most important is that you are now more self aware, awakened as an individual.

I'm glad you've realised that what you did was inappropriate and illegal. I think it is unlikely that your girlfriend would report you, though I think if she wanted to do that, you should honour the decision... that said, I'm not sure that your fear is really of being in legal trouble, but of losing the love of your girlfriend.

My feeling is that taking a video without her consent is a very similar transgression to having taken the photograph (as long as you did not share the material with anyone else). I think it should be possible to tell her about the latter carefully and compassionately as an honest extension of the former confession i.e. "I feel it's important that I'm completely honest with you and that I didn't just take a photograph, but a few seconds of video, which I deleted soon after. I'm really sorry about this and I know it was a violation of your trust and I will never ever repeat this behaviour."

That said, I think Epiphany is right is saying that going into precise details might not be useful... it's very easy to turn a confession of guilt into something selfish and unhelpful. I read a post about this on Tumblr recently:

When you tell a man how he has hurt you and his response is “oh I’m such a piece of $#%^ I’m a terrible person omg omg” and mentions/does nothing at all w/re: to your pain and then you’re the one reassuring and comforting him of course you are, again ... If you open up to someone about how you’re hurting and how they’ve hurt you, and they run off some self-deprecating speech, and continue to take from you instead of giving support and understanding, then you’re just stuck in a toxic cycle.

So, if you do decide to tell her, give her space to be angry and try not to put yourself in the position of beating yourself up so that your gf will comfort you... I've totally done this myself and it's not a nice thing to do so tread carefully!

I'm really glad that you are trying to face up to what you did and seem dedicated to being a decent person and a loving boyfriend. You're an adult now, though your brain will keep developing for a few more years, so there is no reason for you to be defined by your behaviour as a teenaged kid, especially if your girlfriend has forgiven you. That is to say, I think you can afford to go a bit easier on yourself. You seem like a reflective and decent young chap.