How to address possible sexual abuse

When I was 10 my parents got divorced. It was messy. There was domestic violence. The whole package of childhood nightmares. During that time he brought a women to live with us (my mom moved out). He had sex with her in front of us. I witnessed him doing inappropriate things to her in the kitchen while we were eating breakfast multiple times. Right in front of us.

During that time I also sexually abused my little sister. I was 10. She was 6. We played 'husband and wife'. There was dry humping and groping over clothes. There may have been one kiss. No penetration or skin-to-skin contact, though I did expose myself to her once for a few seconds. It happened 3, maybe 4 times over a few weeks. There was no coercion, threatening, or bribery. It felt playful and naughty at the time. Dad found out and didn't say much but he did tell his girlfriend who completely demonized me. She said I was a monster and that my little sister would be coming to live with her to 'get her away from me'. I had never felt so low in my life. We talked to a psychologist and my little sister said she didn't remember anything, but I told the doctor what happened and she said not to let it happen again. We moved out of my dad's house and in with my mom shortly after for unrelated reasons.

We never mentioned it again. Fast forward a few years (I'm now 19, she's 15) and she supposedly told my mom she feels guilty and 'dirty' about it and it contributes to her food addiction. I had hoped she'd forgotten. My stomach sank. All these years the guilt I've felt, the shame, they've never lessened. I've talked to a couple therapists over the years for anxiety and we've talked about the incident and they've all said I was a victim of sexual abuse too. A damaged child damaging a child- an inappropriate event born out of an unhealthy home. Something I wouldn't have done otherwise.

But that doesn't make me feel any better. I did it. I was older. She was my little sister. I should have protected and sheltered her. Instead I feel like I defiled her. I feel like a monster and a predator. Who I was then, the things I did, and who I am now are so far apart it feels like a different life but I can't erase the things I did.

So, was what happened sexual abuse? experimentation? And regardless, it's clearly a sore spot. Should I talk to her about it? How? Or wait for her to come to me? I just want her to know how sorry I am and how I haven't forgotten and won't brush it under the rug or undermine her pain. I love her so much. I just want us to have a healthy brother-sister relationship.

I'd really appreciate opinions, advice, or wisdom anyone has to offer.

Hi

I honestly think that you are giving yourself a really difficult time here. What you did may not have been healthy and it wasa probably ill advised but you were in a situation where it is likely your sexual boundaries were messed up from what you have seen so it is perhaps not surprising you would act out sexually. The fact that you experienced inappropriate sexual behaviour is not your fault and I do believe this would have had an impact on what you did with your sister. In terms of what to do, she may or may not want to talk to you about this depending on how she processed the events. One thing you could do is to write her a letter explaining your thoughts on it all and saying that if she wants to talk with you then you would be OK with that but equally if she does not then you wont bring it up. Then the ball is in her court. That is one idea which comes to mind about what to do. I think it is important she has the choice as to whether or not she wants to discuss it.

Please try not to beat yourself up about this too much. I believe this behaviour comes from what you saw as a kid

Cracked

I agree with Cracked, writing a letter would be a gentle way of inviting your sister to talk to you about what happened.

Remember that love is really all that matters in the end. Keep showing her (and others) your unconditional love and try in every moment to convert the negative energy of the memory of this event into productive, positive energy. That doesn't mean you should paint on a false smile or fight negative feelings, but when you really meet and examine this negativity, it really is just... energy.

There is often a greater perspective required from people who dwell on the past. Instead of seeing something as an isolated event, see it for what it truly is - a moment in time that determines your thought pattern and resulting actions today. If you do something bad, but the memory acts as a daily reminder to do good and love others, then it could be said the bad deed was necessary (unfortunately) to awaken that change. Who's to say, by the end of your life, that your reaction to the bad deed wasn't far more significant than the deed itself?

Make it so.

Another part of this greater perspective is one that I often point people towards - that your self today, now, is clearly not the same as your past self. The notion of a perpetual, unchanged, unitary self existing behind the eyes is nothing more than an elaborate illusion. It simply doesn't exist, except in our conscious identity (which is a product of both antecedent environmental and genetic conditioning). There is good science to support this, but it also just makes sense when you contemplate it. So there's no reason for you to condemn your "present self" for the sins of your "past self", especially if you know you no longer have the desire to repeat those sins, to be that person.

You can be a different person every time you wake up, both literally and figuratively

Physically, molecularly, there's no question you are a different person from several years ago. Atoms are turning over all the time. Energy is constantly flowing into and out of you, changing the very structure of your being. Most people would accept the science behind this. But rarely do we think about how this construct of self, moving through space and time, is also in constant flux and renewal. When you really think about, what evidence is there to presuppose you are the same "self" you were even yesterday, beyond merely thinking you are?

Indeed, where is the evidence this self actually exists, beyond merely thinking it does. Contemplate this as deeply as you can and you may find it is only this moment, your present being, that truly exists and therefore where all potential lies, to love and to do good.