My childhood guilt and OCD

Here is my story. From other posts, that I post on here in the OCD forum, I know I have OCD. But my OCD is a sub-type call Pure OCD. Meaning I suffer from obsessive-intrusive thoughts. I am 23 M. I knew I was different when I was a kid. My mind was always wired. I was physically outgoing, but mentally, I was suffering with obsessive thoughts. Before my molestation, I minor violent/sexual thoughts that just made me doubt myself. Then my uncle, from Mexico, started fondling me. At the same time, my female cousin, who is a year younger than I started to kiss me. I did not wanted any of this. My uncle fondling, or my cousin kissing me, I just wanted to be outside and play normally as a kid. Yet the fondling continued, and my female cousin would introduce new ways to kiss me. I just acted with like I did not cared. My uncle fondling me stopped, but my cousin and I continued. When I resisted, she would say "I am going to get our other cousin to kiss me." I would get anxious and did not want her to hate m . So I continued. We kissed under the her bed covers, I think, and she wanted me to go to her vagina area. Which, I did not out of uncomfortable. Then one day, we went to my backyard and we kissed. Then out of my will, I went down on her. It stopped after that. My parents separated, because of my father's alcoholism, and I felt I lost everything. My sister became the parent, because my mother did not speak any English at that time. So I emotionally lost my sister. My parents would talk crap about each other and made us choose to whom we liked better, and my obsessions grew into more violent and sexual. I was doubtful, unloved, lonely child. When I was in Mexico, my male cousin and I decided to gross my older brother out. I was around 11, and my male cousin was also 11. We grinded on each other, just to make fun at my older brother. Then when my brother decided to stay at my grandparents home, my cousin and I decided to play. I felt curious and also wanted. My cousin grinded up on me and I did not want that. I wanted someone to hug me and kiss me. He decided to put his penis inside my pants and I said no. So to stop him, I kissed him and he stopped. I was always looking for nurture, I had crushes on class members guys or girls, I am bisexual. When I was 12 I was fat, depressed, obsessively hating myself. I was in 7th grade and I fell for a girl in my orchestra class. I still remember her to this day. I was head over heels for her. We talked a lot and had a moment. I loved her. I discovered masturbation one day, at the age of 12 and I was watching porn straight and gay. I told my friends because I thought it was cool. The girl I liked was disgusted and made fun of me. I was heart broken. I was so confused, lonely, un loved, and I did the unthinkable. One day, my obsessions where yelling at me and I had a thought "Only my cousins love me." At that time, I was very close with my family. I love them all dearly, but this one time, I did something bad. I made my 4 year old male cousin touch me. I told him to lick me all around, excluding my penis. I pulled out my penis, but I did not have him go there. I masturbated, but I did not let him near my penis. I just wanted him to kiss me. He did, and I stood up in despair. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and calmed down. He followed me. I still had my penis out because I washed it with water. Suddenly turned around and my penis glanced his lips. I quickly wash water around his lips and told him not to tell anyone. I was scared to death. My aunty called me and told me that her son told her "Why is my penis bigger?" I told her that I was peeing in the bathroom and he barged in. I lived in fear from there on. I am not attracted to kids at all. I knew what I did was wrong and I want to kill myself. In my teens, I went through bouts of loneliness, anxiety, anorexia, and BDD. Looking back at it, I hated myself for being so obsessively looking for love. I was in a failed relationship because of my fear of being a Pedophile. Looking back, every time when I was around my cousins I would get sexual thoughts that I knew were wrong. Yet I had physical sensations in my groin area, that made me think that these thoughts were validations. I am not doing great at all. I fear being a Pedophile, being Schizophrenic, fear of attraction to anything abnormal. My male cousin that I wronged is now 14 and is doing great. He is on top of his game, I apologized to him for being so rude and mean to him. I did not bring it up to him because I did not want him to revisit that day. But I know, when that day comes, I will take full responsibility and explain my actions. He asks me questions about anxiety, depression, and also sex. I give him advice on healthy sexual activity, being his own truthful person, and to love himself. He looks at me like a big brother, and I just hate myself for what I did to him. The fear of pedophilia is so strong, that a therapist was concerned if I was actually one. My fear is very high, I am highly doubting my sexuality, and my life is stuck. A therapist told me that there are some pedos that do not act on there desires. I decided to lie to her and told her that these thoughts stopped. But it has not. I was diagnosed with OCD, but can there be a chance a pedo can be OCD?!? I went to another therapist, and he told me that it is OCD and that the other therapist did not know how to deal with the situation. Now I am obsessing about that other therapist. I am sorry if it is long, but I am lost, scared, remorseful. OCD specialist are very expensive, but regular non-OCD therapist I saw did not help me at all. Like I mention, actually two therapist thought I was an actual pedo?!?! When a trained psychiatrist said that I am actually an OCD sufferer. Who can I trust???

I have OCD since childhood too and deal with a lot of similar guilt (for dating a 16/17-year-old child when I was 21, which I now feel horrible about).

I think one of the differences between having OCD and not having OCD is that when you have OCD and you tell someone that you think about something all the time, you literally mean all the time. I think a lot of people feel guilt and regret about stuff (varying in severity) but it's just part of their daily life. Most people seem to have a lot of idle thoughts or sometimes aren't really thinking anything at all! I very much relate to your description of having a "wired" brain since childhood.

As to your specific behaviour, I think it was inappropriate and maybe abuse but you were still a very young child yourself acting out the sexual behaviour that you can been repeatedly subjected to. I think you were messed up and confused and way, way more of a victim than a villain. Now, at an adult in your 20s, you are a completely different human being to who you were when you were 12. Your brain has been developing all through that time.

I also think people wouldn't be as harsh on you as you expect. I was quite surprised looking at this story from Texas (Texas of all places) about a young man in his 20s who committed a sexual offence when he was 12:
http://www.texasobserver.org/life-on-the-list/

If you look at the comments, the vast, vast majority of people do not believe that a 20-something-year-old man should be punished for or labelled with behaviour he committed when he was 12.

Also, I do not think you are a pedophile. You were a young child yourself when you did what you did. The fact that the intrusive sexual thoughts you have now cause you distress and anxiety is proof that you have OCD, not that you are a pedophile.

Keep going to an OCD therapist if you can and try to be a supportive figure for your cousin and don't be too hard on yourself.

Thank you so much. I somewhat came to terms with the situation, but when I read that Lena Dunham told her story about curiosity when she was younger, and her OCD, she was labelled a molester by right wingers. I relate to that story, but my own is a bit more sadder. I want to be an actor, but I am afraid to have that same controversy that Lena has. And also, I know that whenever my cousin needs help, I am always there for him. I was raised to protect kids, but with this incident, I can't even look at kids because of my OCD. Whoever is reading my post, I just want to mention that you're not alone. I want to be an actor to bring awareness about mental illness. I could not go to sleep because I had a scary sleep paralysis episode because of all my fears/anxieties. I know I did wrong, and I am trying my best to combat these horrid intrusive thoughts. To make this short, I am working on my own self. I hate myself, but I am learning.

I actually thought your current anxiety might have been triggered by the Lena Dunham events.

I've certainly felt a lot more wretched since the Yewtree stuff here in Britain, even though 16 is the age of consent here. I try to remind myself that there were only a few years between me and my ex and I really did care about her and that in some ways it was a happy relationship, certainly not a hidden or secretive one... but then other days I can't really make the distinction between myself and Rolf Harris or Jimmy Savile.

But I think both of us know that OCD makes this stuff far worse, especially the intensity of the thoughts and the amount we think about it.

I relate to Lena Dunham a lot too and watch Girls primarily because I relate to aspects of her character. She was also diagnosed young and clearly has a desire to talk very openly about her life. I think OCD often has that confessional urge. I think what she did was slightly different to what you did as it sounds like it was on-going over several years, not a one-off incident when she was 12, say.

Still, I do think people have been somewhat harsh labelling her as a child molester and saying that she is *the same* as Roman Polanski or R. Kelly as I don't think that's entirely fair.

But you should also remember that quite a lot of people support her, or at least, thing that people are being too harsh on her.

I'm also kind of glad she's on TV because there aren't many other people who have severe OCD and talk about it in their work - especially not people who were diagnosed pre-teen.

You might find Maria Bamford a little comforting. She has OCD too and is really funny IMO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07G42sYYZxU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rC_MESoYmY