I did something terrible as a kid and I'm torturing myself

So when I was a little girl, I went through a BUTTLOAD of trauma and abuse. My dad was a malignant narcissist, and I remember being emotionally and physically abused by him. There may have been sexual abuse, but no substantial memories about that have surfaced, although it's possible I could have repressed them, as I have a history with that. My sister and I were being forced to live at his house during the summer and it was a living hell. My sister was 5, and I was 10. I received the brunt of the abuse, as I was the scapegoat and the one who always fought back. Anyways, one day I remember I forced myself on my sister sexually, and forced her to rub against me, and I kissed her, and then made her promise not to tell anybody ever and I was basically just an evil human being. I am a girl too. It has been my darkest secret forever, and I would NEVER EVER EVER even THINK of doing something like that!!!! I had no idea what sex even was at that age, and I'm torturing myself and hating myself for what I did. I honestly had no concept of what I was doing and once I learned about that kind of thing, I was just utterly horrified. I only did it once, I think. Or if I did do it more than once (which I don't think I did) then it would have been within the same week. She has never mentioned it to me and never acted out against me in that way, and she has the normal amount of anger for a child who had also been abused by our father and had a rough life. I asked her what the meanest thing I ever did to her was once a few years later, and she told me it was definitely this time I slapped her really hard in a fight. I was super relieved she didn't seem to remember...


but what the heck is wrong with me?????? Why would I do something like that at age 10????? I don't want to be a rapist or a molester, ever ever ever. I feel like I deserve the darkest hell for what I have done. I'm in therapy for the abuse I endured not only with my dad, but my mother and a cousin as well, and I haven't mentioned it to my therapist yet. I'm terrified. I'm so terrified. I hate myself.

Hello hatemailaif.

When you talk about the 10 year old you, it's as if you're talking about a different person. Would you agree with that? What I mean is, all the disdain, repulsion and sorrow you feel is clearly written from the perspective of someone who would never do such things.

So if you are as good as a different person, and that person would never do what you described this 10 year old girl doing, why do you ask "what is wrong with me" in the present tense?

Who is "me"?

Forgive the unusual questioning, but people throw around words like "I", "me", "I am..." without even thinking about what they actually refer to. They may conflate a past "me" with a present "me". Is this a logical thing to do, even if a fraction of what we think made up the past "me" makes up the present "me"?

You see it's slightly more complex than our fleeting words give it credit for!

Before you can tackle "what is wrong with me", you have to first define the "me" you are talking about. Is the essence of that 10 year old "you" still present within you right now, as you condemn her actions? How can you prove this? What is the defining source of continuity between the 10 year old you and the present you?

If you can deeply and honestly contemplate the answers to these questions, you will have far greater clarity over where these feelings come from, and indeed how legitimate/rational they are.

It sounds like you had a horribl childhood and imo this behaviour may have been acting out from that. It does not make you an awful person, or a child molester or anything like that- to me what it means is that you were in an awful situation and perhaps acting on that in some way or acting out something which happened to you tho I know you say you were not sure about sexual abuse. If there was sexual abuse it is not uncommon at all for the person being abused to have difficulties with sexual boundaries so this may also be worth thinking about tho I am not saying you were definitely sexually abused. Have you ever seen a therapist to talk about your childhood?

please dont beat yourself up here - sounds like you had reasons for your behaviour. You are not a bad person

Hugs

Cracked

I just wanted to tell you that I can relate to your story immensely, I'm also a female who did something awful to my younger female relative (except I know for a fact that it was twice and that I was older than 10, so imagine how much worse I feel, if that makes you feel any better!)

You are not a bad person and lucky for you, it sounds like you either have an understanding sister or she truly doesn't remember. Listen to epiphany and cracked and check in here regularly if you also need constant reassurance that you are not alone in this like I do. Most kids do really stupid, selfish things at least once in childhood, especially when they have been subjected to terribly abusive situations and especially when that abuse is constant. To think that we could have escaped our situations without making any mistakes would've been near impossible. Let yourself off the hook. We are human, not saints and we were children (you especially at just 10!), not adults. I hope you have an easy route to recovery and redemption and forgiveness of yourself. I'm not on here often but feel free to pm me and we can exchange emails if you want a pen pal. I just started therapy about this (amongst other things) and really feel like getting this out of my head as often as its in my head really helps! Take care!!

Hate, what you describe is actually more common than you may think. Don't ask me how I know.

My suggestion? Stop beating yourself up about it. Move on. There is really nothing else that can be done, unless you have a time machine. None of us here have a DeLorean with Marty McFly at the wheel...

Issues need to be addressed when they are causing problems currently. Some things are best left swept under the rug, IMHO.

Besides, kids can do really weird things. They don't have the same mental capacity as adults do.

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