Did I cross the line? sexuality.

I'm so worried about the way I acted with my brother during my childhood, I’m a 26 year old girl and
I have a almost 3 years younger brother, when we were children we played games involving ”sexual exploration”. (My mother tongue is not english, so my english is not perfect) We would pretend to be asleep and "accidently" touch each others private parts, on our clothes and sometimes inside our clothes. We have also been lying on top of each other a few times as far as I can remember, but there has been no kind of penetration or "fingering", we didn’t engage in oral sex, we didn’t kiss each other, and there has been no sexual attraction between us whatsoever. We continued this game, until I started to notice that my body was about to change, I started to get pubic hair, my first reaction was to not let him touch me inside my clothes, and then shortly after it stopped completly. One of the first things that happened in my puberty was that I got my period, almost at the same time I got pubic hair, my breast came far after that. Shortly after the games stopped, few months after, we shared a bed when we were on holiday, my brother tried starting our games again a few times, and I turned him down except for this one time.... I guess that I knew somehow that it wasn’t a good idea, and I didnt let him touch me inside my clothes because I didn't want him to get so close to my developing body, I was also in the end of my periode. I fell asleep though, and woke up because he put his hand in my panties, I feelt so disgusted, (and the fact that it was during my period made it even more shameful to me) I immediatly pushed him away. The game ended for good. Now, I wonder if that was a sick behavior on my part? I’m so affraid of that, and I can’t stop thinking about it, some days I can't even get myself out of bed because of these thoughts..! It's so painful, I feel like a molester!
I can forgive my brother, and look back at him as a child who was curious, and even though it was very inappropriate I know he didn’t do it to hurt me.

Sometimes I can loook at myself as a child too, who just started her puberty and think that maybe it wasn't that strange after all. I was curious and that it's a healthy sign that it feelt wrong, and that the games stopped at that point instead of continuing long after puberty started... But I can't silent my mind, that I'm a sick person because of that last time we played our "game".What do you think, is this just exploration?

Please help me, I really need it.

-- Wed Oct 29, 2014 9:17 am --

Schould mention that My puberty started very late, so the last time we played, I was 14, my brother just turned 12, which means he wasn't extremely young and kids his age had probably also reached puberty. I was the little girl, a head shorter then the other girls still wearing kid sized clothes.

I really think you need to not beat yourself up about this. Kids experiment, both pre and post puberty and sibling experimentation is not unusual as I am sure you can see from this forum. I dont think you are a molester or have done anything that is bad and wrong. Please cut yourself some slack. From what I have seen from modding here I think that your behaviour is on the normal variant.

Take good care and be kind to yourself

Cracked

I don't think you did anything wrong tbh. I have so many things from my childhood that I could be ashamed of (masturbation in front of parents, in school (i'm girl)), but I accept it as normal because it is. Children like to experiment, and since you've stopped doing it after puberty, it means that there's nothing wrong with you (nor your brother)... just accept it, and move on

There is no need to carry your past "self" into the present. In fact, it is completely irrational to do so.

Everyone has memories, both good and bad, but those memories do not define who you are in this moment, and it's better they do not, because carrying such baggage, based on a mere image that arises in the mind, does nobody any good. It suppresses the potential of your present self.

People say "let go of the past", with good intention, but in reality you don't need to let go of the past in the same way you don't need to let go of every breath you take. It HAS passed. It's only the IMAGE of that past that remains in your mind.

Watch that image come and go, but don't for a second believe it is who you are.

Thank you guys for taking the time to write, I really appreciate it and I try to take in
and process everything you've wrote.
I wrote with psychologist the other day as well, who confirmed that this isn't really
sick at all, but exploration a part of childhood. He didn't even think the last time we played
this game is wierd, since I was only just in the beginning of my puberty, and still a child
in many ways. These are things I've already been thinking, just like the things you've been writing, my challenge is to p. rocess it, and aukcelly feel it. It makes sence when I think about it, but still I get worried and have problems with letting it go, the psychologist thought that's the main problem and I need to work on that.

It is very helpful and nice to be comfirmed by others though, because I think a lot of times we (people) worries so much about what other people would think of us if they knew things...

No problem

Your therapist sounds helpful

I think you are right ppl worry about what they think others will think of them but if we were all honest with each other we would realise that things we are ashamed of are not so shameful.

Cracked

I'm feeling very low today and can't get this out of my head at all.
It's one hopeless day!

It's the last time we played that's spinning around in my head and it makes me so anxious, and the feeling that I'll never feel okey and that I'm just one sick person arises inside of me.

A part of me can look at myself as a kid, and understand that it's not about an adult that was starting her puberty, but a child which makes the whole thing more understandable. But at the same time I can't get in touch with that feeling and take it in, and I keep feeling like a creep, and get disgusted by myself. I seriously don't know how to take in what people telling me about it, because I been feeling like I've done something wrong for such a long time.

Hi again, cantsleep.

You need to observe your feelings as indiscriminate objects within consciousness, rather than determiners of your identity, i.e. who you think you are. The latter is an illusion, and the sooner you break that illusion, the less power negative feelings will have over you.

It takes practice, and meditation can help with this. Studies have shown that ten minutes meditation per day can make you happier and healthier overall. There are many guided meditations on Youtube, but PM me if you would like some recommendations.

Try this simple mindfulness exercise every time you feel something unpleasant. It may seem long and drawn out when you read it, but the process will get quicker and quicker with practice.

Let's say you "feel hopeless". Ignore what you think about it for a moment, or that it has a name. Simply place your attention on where you physically FEEL it. You may want to close your eyes as you do this. Many find the feeling disappears as soon as they locate it in the body (because it often needs the mind-made story as fuel - no story, no feeling). If the feeling prevails or comes back up because of a recurring thought, keep reading...

The feeling may be around the heart. It may be in the stomach or even a sensation in your head. It may be in all three. These are all normal physiological symptoms of psychological stress. Place as much of your attention on one of its locations as you can. Don't build a story or an internal dialogue around it, just try to feel the raw feeling as intimately and consciously as you can. It doesn't actually matter if you feel something that happens to be completely unrelated - this is all just a way of re-calibrating your awareness.

Once you've got as close to the feeling with your attention as you can get, gradually start to "zoom out" with your awareness. Begin to invite more and more of your bodily sensations into that concious space. Your breathing, for example, or the tingling of pressure points and veins.

It doesn't matter if you get lost in thought momentarily. Just slowly bring your attention back to the feeling (if it's still there - find another sensation if not) and start to zoom out again.

Eventually, you can start to go beyond the body, incorporating the shapes, colours and sounds around you into this growing sphere of consciousness (it can never be "full"), all the time trying to keep your awareness of your bodily feelings intact.

It's kind of like spinning plates, trying to feel everything simultaneously.

Eventually you'll only need several seconds to get through the process.

What this does is train you to see everything as existing in the same neutral, non-judgemental space.

In reality, that is all that is happening anyway. Judgements about whether a feeling or what you see is "good" or "bad" comes from the internal dialogue of the mind, which is conditioned by many factors beyond your control. You may even want to incorporate this dialogue into that same space of consciousness if it starts up, if only to realise it is not separate from any other thing/object you are aware of.

Your feelings, what you see, hear smell and taste, and finally your thoughts, have no degree of separation in consciousness when you simply observe them without the narration of the mind.

Now what is hopelessness from this new perspective? It may lose its power, indeed its very meaning, as you watch it float within the vastness of your conscious experience - the same space as everything else, the good, the bad and the bloody awful.

Why discriminate against something just because it comes from the atoms in your brain rather than "out there"? It all ends up in the same place, which is your conscious experience - a completely neutral place.

I will try that, evetually...
I have been doing some mindfulness before, but sometimes it's just too hard.
i guess I need some practise.
Doubt it would take away my worries though.

Today I'm thinking about my brother. I've been so worried that he feel as bad as I do, or worse, that I've hurt him by playing these games. I have never forced, it was my idea, but he did participate in the games, without me forcing or bribing or anything like that...! But it's been eating me up anyway.
I wrote him a letter some years a go, asking him if hewere thinking of it too. I wrote back that he had been thinking about it before, but not anymore, healso wrote that it's nothing that makes him feel bad today and that he's been thinking "kids do such stupid things" ... which was a relief, but he also wrote that he's focusing on positive things in life instead of bad things, and that stuck in my mind. Does it mean I've hurt him anyway!? ... I keept thinking of it, and tried to bring it up again, and started to annoy him (I have a hard time letting things go, ALWAYS assuming the worst) ... in the end he just said that he don't remember that much from that time, and the conversation ended.

Now I can't bring it up again. I think either I've hurt him... Or, maybe he's embaressed to talk about it. I can kind of accept it's normal for kids to play like that. I know I didn't force him... But if I've hurt him, it feels like none of that matters, and I want to make sure he's ok. He's been hanging out with "wrong" kind of people, doing stupid things.... I just don't know if it's my fault... in that case I've ruined his and my familys life when I was a child. It's devastating!

It sounds like you're thinking about this a lot more than your brother is.

You just want to know if what happened has contributed negatively in any way to the person he is today.

Let's say you were able to find out it has. Now what?

Let's say you were able to find out it hasn't. Now what?

Let's say you will never find out if it has or not. Now what?

The answer to those three questions should be exactly the same - give your brother as much love as you have within you. What other possible outcome should there be?

The mindfulness will not extinguish your worry or anxiety. It will simply make you see them for what they truly are - objects within awareness, thus making you dis-identify from them.

All thoughts are chemical reactions within the brain - energy. There is no such thing as "good" or "bad" energy, in terms of its raw potential. When you feel bad for your brother, give him your love and release the energy in the only way that makes sense right now, in this moment. The past is dead and you are missing all this present potential by ruminating.