I let myself be used the way I used my sisters

When we were young my two sisters and I played sexually a lot. I am the oldest and I used to feel guilty even though they were very willing in the beginning they became less and less willing. I wonder how it must have felt to them giving oral and anal to avoid pregnancies.

I decide to try my own medicine. I have alway been straight but I made myself let guys use me. I gave oral and anal to anonymous guy. I felt used and disgusted but got some weird pleasure even as I cried sometime. Does this make sense to anyone?

Xnasty wrote:When we were young my two sisters and I played sexually a lot. I am the oldest and I used to feel guilty even though they were very willing in the beginning they became less and less willing. I wonder how it must have felt to them giving oral and anal to avoid pregnancies.

I decide to try my own medicine. I have alway been straight but I made myself let guys use me. I gave oral and anal to anonymous guy. I felt used and disgusted but got some weird pleasure even as I cried sometime. Does this make sense to anyone?

Sounds to me like something pretty complex is going on here- I suspect this would be a good thing to take to a therapist as it sounds like it is complicated and needs the help of a professional to untangle

Cracked

This does seem very psychologically complex and I would recommend therapy.

I will also say that having sexually assaulted my ex-girlfriend after touching her in a violatory way after she had said she just wanted to spoon, I then found that when I was in a situation with my subsequent partner of being penetrated without having been asked (I'm a straightish guy and hadn't done this before and I think they rather clumsily assumed that progressing from rubbing to penetration would be ok) I felt mentally incredibly confused - at once vulnerable and anxious, while simultaneously glad that I was experiencing some sense of the violation I had previously perpetrated. I don't believe in karma... but in some sense I feel I almost willed what happened - that I'd gotten into that situation as a way to punish myself. This seems to be what you are saying too. It's hard for me to classify as well because I find it easily to be hard on myself than on my ex-partner since, while they absolutely should have asked first, it was absolutely an act of foolishness, rather than selfishness.

So... I guess what I'm saying is - while it isn't healthy or useful to punish yourself, perhaps you can take something from the fact that you now know what it feels like to feel pressured or uncomfortable. I hope that my experience has made me more careful and aware, at least. Maybe you can feel the same.

May I ask how old you are as well, if you don't mind my asking? I hope you're not still young and that you're safe, y'know.

People who violate others can also desire to be violated, it is the aggression of the power or loss of power of the situations which attracts them to it. I don't believe that you let those men use you just so that you would feel the shame of what your sisters felt, deep down you wanted to be violated anyway because that's part of your troubled sexuality.

Maybe - people can change from childhood to adulthood though and shame / self-loathing can certainly cause people to act in weird ways, or against their own self-interest.

I am sorry, I don't mean to minimise what is going on for you - the reason I have suggested you getting help is that I believe there are serious issues going on for you which need some professional input

Cracked

? I don't think you were minimizing, CG (maybe you missed it was me replying rather than the OP)

I agree that the OP should get therapy and that the situation sounds complex. Some of their other posts might suggest their are a fantasist, but a fantasist can also be abused and if they are still a teenage kid themselves, I especially hope they are not being used / exploited / abused by adult men.

Sorry it was a reply on reading my first post again which I thought sounded a bit dismissive

I def hope the OP is safe

Cracked

No worries!

I want to thank everyone for their response.?im in my late 40s and the first time I let a guy use me was about 10 years ago. My sister and I were both recently divorced and having some drinks when I got undressed and she did the same but regretted it. But since then I have had three out of five girlfriends that also had incest expericenes and are turned on see me with a guy since I am totally masculine and love women.