I sexually assaulted my siblings...

hello, I'm 22, I'll start with saying that I am deeply remorseful about what I did, I haven't been able to get it out of my head for a few years now, I'm nearing the edge, I need help.

From what I can remember and piece together I was around 10/11/12/13 years old, can't remember much about age, anyway my sister is 5 years younger and my brother is 7 years younger.

I remember performing oral sex on them both, and encouraging them to do the same to me,
I'd also try it on with my other brother who is 4 years younger, I remember thinking this was normal, but I knew it was wrong else I wouldn't of been scared of my parents finding out,

I also had this fling going my my friend at the time who is a boy, we would perform oral she's on each other and kiss each other with tongues, I can't remember when this ended, I'm not gay btw I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend who I adore. I don't know why I did these things I feel so terrible!

Also I remember me and my brother who is 4 years younger would bully our other 2 younger siblings and make them have fights while we watched, we would get them into trouble by blaming things on them,

Me and my brother did other weird things like put diapers on and wee ourselves, spread poo on bread and pretend to our siblings that it was chocolate spread.... And probably a host of other things I can't remember, like I said I don't know why these things happened, I feel guilty as hell, I'm scared to death that I'll actually kilo myself as I don't see any other option, I've obsessed over this for years now, I've had to drop out of college because I can't focus on other things,

Please any advice is much appreciated.

Also my siblings appear to be fine with me, but I don't have much contact with them as It reminds me of the things I've done.

Hi

It is brave of you to admit what you did and that is important. Sounds like you are pretty disturbed at what happened and also the other things you would do with your siblings. I think the main piece of advice I would have for you is to see a therapist about this as it does sound like some odd behaviour some of it and it may be they can help you figure it out some. In terms of the sexual behaviour with siblings, it was wrong yes, but probably experimenting on your part rather than deliberately causing harm. I do think you need to talk to a therapist about it tho including to see if they think you need to address it more with your siblings. I think the experimenting with your friend is a normal behaviour.

Please think about therapy

Cracked

How do I go about seeing a councillor/therapist?

I think that's what I'll try to do,

I should add that one of the weird things I remembered that I did was peek at my mum when she was in the shower, this seems awfully strange to me...

Thanks for the reply.

WorldPeace92 wrote:How do I go about seeing a councillor/therapist?

I think that's what I'll try to do,

I should add that one of the weird things I remembered that I did was peek at my mum when she was in the shower, this seems awfully strange to me...

Thanks for the reply.

Hey

I only know about the UK in any detail. Here it can be difficult to get therapy on the NHS unless you have a diagnosis where it would help-and even then it can be tough to get the right sort. CBT is readily available on the NHS because of its evidence with depression but I am not certain that would be the thing for you- tho you would have to check with a professional about that. Another option which might be more helpful is to look for a private therapist. This would cost tho. But might be a way of more easily getting to see someone. You could try going to your GPand explaining and seeing if they have any suggestions too.

In terms of elsewhere I am not sure how it works but that is the UK

Cracked

Thank you,

I've seen that I can get CBT as soon as this week, but what is it? Why would it be something tha wouldn't help?

Also another thing, does the age difference between me and my siblings make me a pedophile? I've read that usual age difference for sexual experimentation between siblings is 2-3 years... It's made me feel even worse after reading that.

Thanks for replying

WorldPeace92 wrote:Thank you,

I've seen that I can get CBT as soon as this week, but what is it? Why would it be something tha wouldn't help?

Also another thing, does the age difference between me and my siblings make me a pedophile? I've read that usual age difference for sexual experimentation between siblings is 2-3 years... It's made me feel even worse after reading that.

Thanks for replying

Hi

In terms of CBT it is not that it would not work, it is just from my experience it is more about changing thinking patterns etc than going to the core issues - but I am not an expert and I think it would be good to check with someone who knows like your GP

In terms of the question about bein a paedophile I think it is about asking yourself if you are attracted to children. If you are not, you are not a paedophile. If you are not sure then perhaps reading in the paraphilias forum might help. But I don't think what you did necessarily makes you a paedophile

Cracked

Okay I'll have a chat with my GP, I'll try to give him limited information as I don't feel I'd be comfortable telling him the whole story,

As for the attraction to children, that answer is a definitive no, it's just my past actions have a way of making me question it, like Why did I do those things? It's not normal, and Surely only a pedophile would do these things.

Thanks cracked,

On a side note, I recently had a chat with my girlfriend about it, (Very difficult and uncomfortable) and to my shock she actually had some of the same stories from her childhood all be it was a nephew not a brother and sister, and that it was a closer age gap.

Hi

WorldPeace92 wrote:Okay I'll have a chat with my GP, I'll try to give him limited information as I don't feel I'd be comfortable telling him the whole story,

I think this is a good plan and you are right, you dont have to say it all to your GP

WorldPeace92 wrote:As for the attraction to children, that answer is a definitive no, it's just my past actions have a way of making me question it, like Why did I do those things? It's not normal, and Surely only a pedophile would do these things.

I do understand the questioning but I believe that ppl act in this way for many different reasons including just hormones amongst other things, and genuine curiosity. This type of behaviour imo does not necessarily mean you are a paedophile.

WorldPeace92 wrote:On a side note, I recently had a chat with my girlfriend about it, (Very difficult and uncomfortable) and to my shock she actually had some of the same stories from her childhood all be it was a nephew not a brother and sister, and that it was a closer age gap.

I think it is really good you could talk to your girlfriend about this- you guys must have a strong relationship to trust to have that conversation and I am really pleased you have that support. I am n not that surprised that she had some similar experiences - I think this kind of thing is pretty common. It does not mean that it wont be damaging- at times it will, but other times it is something which ppl just move forward from.

But yeah I do think from what you said that talking to your GP and taking things from there would be a good plan

Cracked