Touched my sleeping friend years ago

Hi there

First of all hi to everyone, I'm new to this forum.

I'm a 17 yr old male, and I'm writing this because lately I have been thinking a lot about my childhood, and I remembered something that happened when I was 12 years old.

I had almost forgotten it, but when I was 12 and a really good friend of mine was 13, he came over to my house and he slept with me in the same bed.

While he was sleeping, I slipped my hand in his boxers and touched his penis for a few minutes.

I cannot believe I did such thing, and nowadays I'm struggling with loads of guilt because of it. I don't know why I did it and I cannot help myself from thinking I do not deserve happiness and I'm a horrible person. I think about what I did on a 24-hour-basis and I'm suffering from serious insomnia and anxiety, all throughout the day.

What drives me crazy is the possible consequences what I did can have on him... He's now 18, and he's got kind of a reckless attitude, he smokes and drinks and he's not doing well at school. The thing is he has never done well at school, so I don't know whether what I did to him was the cause of that or just other factors...

In the other end, our relationship is really good, and he usually tells me he loves me a lot and that I'm like a brother for him. Also, he tells me he has never been so happy as he is nowadays.

So, I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe he didn't even noticed I touched him, but I cannot help myself from feeling responsible of every bad thing that happens to him.

Thank you very much for reading, I would really appreciate if you could help me sort this out, you all seem really mature, understanding and sensible people.

Obviously, your behaviour was inappropriate and your friend couldn't consent because he was sleeping (and a child). It's understandable you feel remorse about this.

However, you were very young yourself. I mean, legally speaking, you're still a child!

So, how about this... when you turn 18 you say goodbye to your child self. Legally speaking, children convicted of crimes are often released when they turn 18 and their crime does not stay on their adult record forever. The fact is, your brain was no-where near developed at 12. You didn't have the same self-control and sense of right & wrong that you did now. That isn't to say that a 12-year-old is never responsible for what they do, but in this case where you friend is not whatsoever traumatised for what happened, I don't think personally that you have anything left to make up for. You are a different person some 5 years down the line. That's half a decade.

So, I say, promise yourself and us that once you turn 18, you recognise that you're a new person. That's pretty socially, scientifically and legally sanctioned. You can do this. Continue being a supportive friend. I'm very confessional and really care about the truth but, in this case, I don't think anything would be gained by telling him what happened. This is your secret to live with. But you no longer have to feel horrible or guilty about it, not as an adult.

If you want to put good back into the world, perhaps as an adult you could do some volunteering, maybe at a rape crisis centre, or else with animals, or an old person's home, or anything really. You sound like a very conscientious and sincere person. I personally wish you well!

Without sounding totally trite, your new future starts soon!

Hello jackhabtisch!

I just want to complement sprock's reply. As he said I do not believe your actions had any
psychological ramifications on your friend. I remember camp pranks to sleeping boys that were far more extreme than what you did.. (and they too were pretty innocent) If he was sleeping he wouldn't have noticed it and if he was faking it and didn't punch you in the face afterwards, your relationship would have reached a whole new level years ago Call it a prank, call it experimentation, at the end of the day you simply touched his penis, you didn't cut it with scissors! If you are still troubled with guilts and doubts, consider telling him what happened, just think carefully of his possible reactions and how open-minded is he on these things (If I told my high school buddy that that night he crawled into my bed because he was afraid of lightnings I was aching to feel him, he would be all over the place, pfff..) His answer might surprise you!

I believe it would be more productive to think why did you remember that thing now all of a sudden. What prompted it? You said you have been thinking a lot about your childhood lately, so is there more to the story that's troubling you?

I wish you resolve this matter quickly and be well. Life is too short to fret over such trivial things