Wow, im finally actually talking to someone in the world. im 21, Ive kept this a secret my whole life and have never told anyone. This is something that i think about everyday of my life but recently for some reason has been just eating away at me so much that i cant think about anything else. I dont know if my feelings are right about what i did.
When i was probably 9 or 10, my cousin (same age) and i would be alone often and we both liked to talk about naked girls and stuff. (we are both males). We had both been exposed to porn but he also had sexual experiences of sorts, I had not. I dont remember how it happened but I think he ended up suggesting that we touch each other, have oral sex, etc. And thats what we did. I definitely wasnt the one to come up with the idea, but i cant remember really resisting it either. Anyways, we did that several times and I remember feeling weird about it a few times and saying stuff like "I dont know if we should do this, it might make us gay," and he was kind of like "awh so what, it doesnt matter" and then it continued.
I wish the story stopped there, but it doesnt. Fast forward about a year and i was probably 11 years old, i asked a neighbor over to play video games (he was a year or 2 younger than me) and he came over. I dont know what came over me but i wanted to do more sexual stuff like my cousin had showed me so i asked if he had ever had a blowjob before, (I had heard from another young kid that he had). I cant remmber what he said but i think that he said that he just wanted to play video games. I told him that he should lay down and he did and i took his pants down and for about 1 second (literally) i performed oral on him. I realized instantly that it was wrong because he really didnt seem to be interested in it/ know what was going on so i stopped and his parents came to the door right at about the same time. That was the most extreme thing that ever happened between me and him, but i think in that same year i randomly would try to expose myself to him but nothing else ever actually happened. His parents ended up telling my brother something vague like "stop teaching him bad stuff". I felt super embaressed and never did anythign again.
I am nervous right now just typing this message to you all, as I just feel an incredible amount of shame and guilt and panic just reliving this. The reason why i decided to try to get him to do sexual things with me is because I had heard that he had done sexual stuff with his brother so i thought he would be into experimenting with me. Now the image that replays everyday in my head is me trying to get another kid to do something that I dont think he wanted to do.
What do i do? My guilt has gotten so bad, it has made me so nervous to go in public for fear of seeing him or his family. Shortly after the incident happned he told me that he couldnt hang out anymore cause his parents said so but basically told me it was ok. A few years down the road we were around each other a few times and it didnt seem too weird. From the ages of 13-16 i didnt really think much about it but these last few years and especially last few days have been absolute hell. I really just hope i didn't hurt him, hope his family didnt tell everyone in the world, and i hope that im just overreacting. But no matter what i do, my mind goes to the worst thing like "oh my god i molested someone, that is so ###$ up beyond belief" i just cant do it anymore. (by the way, everything is totally good now that im an adult, im not an offender or anything).
I feel like the person i am today is not the same person i was when i was 11. But its just,...i dont know. im rambling. please help. I just want to die thinking about what i did.