No remorse or complete detachment?

I can't work out if I have no remorse for my crimes or if I have somehow detatched myself from them. I have been in a forensic secure hospital for last 10 years. And have been locked up since aged 18. I'm 32 now and not incarcerated at mo. I have served for man slaughter and other crimes all similar and violent/traumatic. When I think back on the incidents I can't feel anything which is troubling me. I know how the peoples involved must of felt and families but can't feel any emotion connected to it. Nothing. I think I may have disconnected in some way.
I've spent a lot of time talking about it and have found it difficult because I was aware of the severity of what I was saying. But It still doesn't evoke any feeling at all.
I had drug induced pschosis/shizophrenia and am high on aspd but it's all up in the air at mo and my diagnosis may be changed. The dr is quite reluctant to tell me why pschopathy was concidered. I know I'm not a pschopath as I can't relate to some of the traits. I'm confused and have lied about symptoms in the past to avoid prison so I can't talk openly to staff/dr as I'm on a criminal section and could mess up tribunal. Has anyone detatched like this from a traumatic event?

Did you have feelings of remorse in the past or is this a more recent development? I think the most important thing is that now you are no longer incarcerated, you ensure that you do not commit any more violent acts, both for others and yourself. I imagine you have received a lot in the way of anger management and other therapy in hospital? Do you read or watch films? Sometimes I think that watching or reading things can be a way to increase empathy or better understand the suffering of others (although you say that you know how the people involved must have felt).

I feel near constant remorse for my own behaviour / crime, in truth, so I find it hard to imagine not feeling any. In some ways I wish I was freed from feeling so horrible, but at the same time, it absolutely ensures I won't hurt anyone else again, which is the most important thing. In some ways, I am glad that I feel so stricken with remorse... I'd much rather live in truth as a guilt-stricken but non-dangerous person, than in falsehood, happy, oblivious, and dangerous. Guilt and remorse can ensure that someone stays changed and prevents further harm. If you don't mind my asking, do you regret what you did? The most important thing is remaining self-aware and dedicating yourself to change

Hi Sprock.

My crimes were commited when I used to mix sleeping pills alcohol and ketamine and various other drugs.
So for last 14 years I haven't drunk or taken anything as I am fully aware I can't and because it's been so long it doesn't feel weird that I don't. I don't get into trouble with crime and lead a pretty healthy life now.
I can reconise emotion in other people but I react with anger when it's a family emotion or bond so I avoid this.
I have always known that people have suffered and when I talk about it I am so used to saying about remorse but it's become a bit of a speech. In my notes from the beginning of all this it said that I am a young man who will tell you what you want to hear. I have trouble remembering how I have been for last decade as I was sedated on clozaril and I spent most of the time asleep and was very flat. I had hypomania coming off clozaril and I felt more than I ever had but I'm not sure if that was euphoria. I have no desire to hurt/kill.
The staff in every place I've been sectioned have regularly said that they think It was drug induced psychosis and I dont have shizophrenia.
I'm hyper vigilant about relapsing and tend to analyse my mental state a bit too much. But it's the anti social side that is my concern.

Well, I think it's understandable that you feel detachment from crimes committed when you were in a very altered state. Also, I would imagine that the practice of speaking aloud about your behaviour in hospital (with counsellors; group therapy; case-workers; whatever) might mean that it all feels a bit rehearsed by this point. Maybe there just isn't anything new for you to say about it?

I really do think that the most important thing is that you remain vigilant and don't relapse, as you say. As long as you commit yourself to a non-violent life, I certainly don't feel like I have the right to say you shouldn't be happy or free from remorse or anything else. Regret is arguably healthier and more useful than remorse in the long-term anyway.

I think it is hard to force yourself to feel emotions when you don't, or to stop feeling emotions when you do. I find much the opposite, the even though I've been told by loads of people not to feel so much remorse / guilt and to move on, I just don't know how to. To a large extent, people just feel what they feel.

So, I'd just say to keep compassionate and self-aware, but don't sweat the lack of remorse too much. In terms of simply empathising with other humans, I do find that reading or even watching good films helps, but that might just be me!

Thanks Sprock,