Want to go to prison, survivor not interested

Hi all,

*Trigger warning for statutory rape*

So, it's been six years since I committed statutory sexual crimes against my ex-partner (which is to say -legally- the fact of being her unconsenting was due to her age), two weeks before she was to turn 17. I was 21 (there was four and a half years between us). As I've written before, I'm British, so having grown up with the age of consent at 16, I was able to convince myself at the time that she wasn't a 'child' and that the relationship was acceptable. Online for several months and then in person for a week, the relationship was a pretty happy one, I think. However - as explained to me in email some years after the fact - my partner suddenly felt freaked that she was in a relationship with an older guy, but didn't know how to break things off and felt too 'proud' (in her own words) to accept that she was too young to be in such a relationship and was no longer comfortable. This happened after roughly a week of us being together in person, I would say. At the time I refused to accept this (i.e. I could tell she no longer seemed as happy, but did not want to believe it was because she wanted to break up) and pushed her boundaries. I absolutely do not blame her for this and I think her experience is a good illustration of why teenagers of 16 or 17 should probably not be dating anyone in their 20s (legally or otherwise) ... there is too much of a power imbalance and it creates the potential for abuse, if the older partner is selfish and entitled, as I was.

*Trigger warning for description of sexual assault / rape*

I committed one horrible act which was assaultive / digital rape (my ex has never named it as such... but I do not think that silence or anxious acquiescence is consent) irrespective of our ages, in which we were spooning together in bed in our underwear and she asked me just to hold her, placing my hands about her chest. I moved my hand away and she replaced it. Several minutes later I moved my hand again, after some minutes, touching her in a violatory way. My #######5 reasoning at the time was that 'she'd say something if she wasn't ok', 'she could move away', etc. which was wholly self-centred and entitled. She had said she wasn't in the mood to be sexual. I ignored that. This is assault / rape.

Obviously, this is something I've thought about a lot ever since, on a daily basis. A couple of years back I emailed my ex to apologise and to try to be accountable for my behaviour. She appreciated the apology and said she had felt really uncomfortable / had her boundaries pushed, but also said that I was taking the matter far, far too seriously and didn't seem to see what had happened as being 'rape' (which I think might be because it was non-penile contact and that people still think of rape as involving force, coercion, restraint, or intoxication - in fact, that is the case according to the state's law, which is ridiculous) so it is only the age of my ex that renders my behaviour illegal... however, I feel morally it was rape and I think that the F.B.I.'s updated definition should be seen as definitive, including those assaults that occurred before the fact.

I have thought a lot about and planned suicide, but the fact that K has repeatedly said that she is ok and no longer feels I owe her anything, gives me the impression that her life has not been ruined. While this has little to do with me (and everything to do with her own strength of character) it does somewhat make me feel that I don't deserve to die / have some right to life.

However, a crime is not just a crime against an individual, but against a whole society. At the very least, I know I should face prison and decades, if not a lifetime, of sex offender registration. As far as I can see, I am a child rapist and I do not know of any crime which is so horrific or reprehensible.

Yet my ex has cleared stated that she doesn't consider herself the victim of 'child molestation' and has no interest in taking legal action (in fact, I got the impression that it hadn't even occurred to her).

As such, if I turned myself in, I would be bringing charges against her wishes. Legally, she would be forced to testify, even if she didn't want to. This would surely be adding insult to injury.

I only asked her twice and have since dropped the matter and not contacted her again. I don't believe that an abuser or rapist can be 100% redeemed or become a 'good person', but I do believe in change and that I can contribute some goodness to the world. However, I think that this right is only granted after legal punishment. I hate individuals like Roman Polanski who evade justice. I think that the American people (including any American readers) deserve as much.

But I also don't want to ride over and obscure the victim's narrative, nor make her do anything she doesn't want to do, since that would be grotesque, unfair and selfish.

So... I don't know. I feel like suicide or jail are the only two options. But both will inevitably cause people (probably including my ex) to be further hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone any more.

I guess the question is for any survivors who feel comfortable answering... as a perpetrator, is it best for me to respect the needs of the victim / survivor, or to face legal justice?

Obviously the best thing to have done would have been to respect another country's laws and maintained appropriate boundaries. However, I did not and this is the situation. I wish I knew what to do.

I don't believe in punishment for the sake of punishment. Everything should have a logically defined purpose, supported with evidence. I think prison should be primarily to house people who:

a) Express no remorse or desire to change harmful behaviour (which leads to...)
b) Are an imminent danger to society

So it's difficult to talk about what the "right" thing to do is when you don't agree with how the justice system of the country in which you live operates.

I find it troubling to consider how appropriately served your justice would be in a country that still has the death penalty on the majority of its states' books, for example. You wouldn't get the death penalty of course, but the sentence would likely be overly and counter-productively punitive.

I also don't like the idea of paying to house and feed a grown man who can clearly look after himself and is no threat to society!

I think you touch on the most important thing here though when you speak of not wanting to cause further suffering. Often, based on this principle, the choice is clear cut, such as in your case, Sprock. Your imprisonment would be for what purpose exactly? To fulfil a procedure? To know that you have been punished? This is circular logic at its finest!

If you'll pardon the blunt question: aren't the reasons for you wanting to serve time more selfish than about "doing the right thing"? Is it not to ultimately make you feel better about life, even if that comes from knowing other people (victim, society) might feel better? And if they do feel better, is it because the justice necessarily served a logically defined purpose or is it because they are applying conditioned, childhood-based solutions to adult-based problems?

So I would rather forget everything we know about "serving justice" and just look at the fundamental question: what is the most constructive response, for the growth of society, the victim and yourself?

What will produce the most good from this regrettable situation? This is the question few people ask, yet it's surely the most important.

I think that the most utilitarian response does make sense... I mean, I know that prison would only serve the purpose of letting me feel punished in an officially-sanctioned way, which is essentially a selfish desire. Obviously it's impossible for anyone else to know for sure, but I know 100% that I would never repeat such abusive behaviour (since the fact that I committed the abuse above sickens me to my core) or date anyone underage (since I'm no longer just out of my teens and so kids that age have no interest to me whatsoever!!)

'Justice' is odd though as it is this big, metaphysical thing. I think that most people believe in punishment because of a combination of it seeming intuitively just and because it is satisfying to see bad people suffer. Obviously, in terms of recidivism, systems like those in Norway are shown to be by far-and-away the most successful. But at the same time, I really do believe in justice and feel like I owe it to the American people to be punished.

I'll repost what my ex said, because I know that her own words are really important:

It's nice of you to offer, but you're taking this way, way, waaaaaay too seriously. It's certainly not like you molested a child, and you are making it sound a lot closer to something like that. I'm not even really sure what legal action there would be to take. Don't spend your time dwelling on this or feeling like you owe me anything. Move forward, redirect the negative energy from worrying about this, turn it into positive energy and put it towards something productive. There's nothing left to feel bad about, time has taken care of everything.

I have tried to do good things - I spent the last year doing weekly voluntary work at a community hospital for people with dementia and I helped out with 'Sexpression' who teach good consent to kids in secondary school (all younger than my ex was, since we don't teach to sixth formers... otherwise I'd feel even stranger about it, I think) and have done regular shifts with a university 'Nightline' service, which is basically like Samaritans, talking to people who are anxious or depressed. My worry is that these good actions are 'tainted' by the fact that I am an abuser and thus a bad person. As such, I don't feel like I should really be doing these things, especially as I don't want to deceive anyone.

It's like someone said in the comments to this article:
http://msmagazine.com/blog/2013/03/20/did-girls-romanticize-a-rapist/

I am so disgusted with so-called feminists claiming that “most rapists” are “not simply villains with no appealing character traits. They are guys we know and like and sometimes love.” Yeah, well the same could be said of serial killers and pedophiles. Let’s not muddy the issue with the fact that decent people are easily fooled. Rape is a serious crime and rapists are REAL CRIMINALS. It really doesn’t matter how “nice” they can seem when they aren’t raping someone. Ted Bundy was a sweetheart most of the time. He even volunteered on a rape crisis line. But he absolutely was a “villain.” All rapists are.

I can live self-identifying as a villain. I don't believe that all villains have lost the right to life. However, I don't want to be like Ted Bundy volunteering on a rape crisis line, or - which is my worst fear - Hugo Schwyzer.

-- Wed Sep 17, 2014 11:39 am --

What also complicates the issue in my mind is that while the majority of people claim that they are hard-line on rape and abuse, so many people seem to have really terrible internal definitions of what constitutes rape and abuse! As such, I worry that some people (particularly young men) who claim to hate rape or think all rapists should be tortured, may actually be rapists themselves. Having told my friends about my behaviour, what has been shocking / enlightening / disturbing is not only how many people seem to downplay what I did or don't really see it as 'rape' (or certainly not a 'child rape') but seem to have suffered similar abuses themselves. I don't have the right to go into details, but I've had friends whose ex-partners didn't stop when asked; said they were going to use protection and then didn't; who were pressured or badgered; etc. I get the impression that these guys do not - for even a second - see themselves as rapists or abusers, which is scary and confusing.

My current partner's ex is one of the only human beings I know directly who I consider to be a worse human being than myself. He was consistently abusive in the relationship and has preyed on much younger girls in a very predatory way (enabled by his high status within an internet community) but when my partner broke up with him, he framed the issue as though he had been deeply wronged!! This led to my partner getting death threats from the community and basically being slandered and denigrated online, even having suffered horrible abuse. And this guy will sometimes post "feminist" status updates and considers himself a "born romantic" and a genuinely nice guy.

Obviously, I feel I absolutely should be judged by decent human beings who have never abused in their lives! That's absolutely well within their rights! But I hate the idea of being judged by someone like this guy, who has arguably done even worse things that I did (or certainly a lot more) but has zero faculties of self-reflection.

The most shocking / 'I don't understand people' articles I have read recently are these two articles, which I'd say are going to be very *triggering* for anyone who has been raped or sexually assaulted and so I would recommend reading only if the reader is in a good state of mind:

http://www.phillymag.com/articles/rape-happens-here-swarthmore-college-sexual-assaults/

http://www.phillymag.com/news/2014/04/28/sexual-assault-campus-rape-swarthmore/

Basically the first article describes rapes that have occurred at at Swarthmore college.

The first incident sounds similar to the assault I committed, save for the fact that the perpetrator was an ex- rather than a current partner and that the rape was penile rather than digital:

When he ended up falling asleep on her bed, she changed into pajamas and climbed in next to him. Soon, he was putting his arm around her and taking off her clothes. “I basically said, ‘No, I don’t want to have sex with you.’ And then he said, ‘Okay, that’s fine’ and stopped,” Sendrow told me. “And then he started again a few minutes later, taking off my panties, taking off his boxers. I just kind of laid there and didn’t do anything — I had already said no. I was just tired and wanted to go to bed. I let him finish. I pulled my panties back on and went to sleep.

This seems incredibly clear-cut to me! She said 'no' and he didn't listen and raped her.

But then, in the comments section, by far and away the most popular comment (with 126 up votes, compared to the 18 up votes of the detractor) is:

You sleep in a single twin bed with someone you have had sex with in the past and then are horrified, horrified that he put a move on? Trivial. And then you expect everyone {the college, the government, mommy and daddy} to fix your bad judgement for you? Ludicrous. And then you make rape seem trivial. Tragic. These girls show no bravery or courage, as so many women do. Rape is not trivial. i hope these girls enjoy their 15 minutes of fame as they throw the women who really need our sympathy and help back into a lifetime of hell. Shame. Shame. Shame. And shame on this magazine for writing such a silly story.

!!!

Which is the kind of thing that makes me think that there must be scores of people committing rapes which they never think of as rapes, judging other rapists, without extending the same judgement to themselves! Like... if that comment is actually representative of what the majority of people think, then I almost just give up. It matches up with the way that all my friends and family (with the exception of one female friend, who is very similar to me) don't seem to take what I did very seriously. I tend to assume this is because they are biased and see me as a 'nice guy' and so they can't match up their conception of me with the fact of my crime... but reading nonsense like the above makes me feel like they all just have really weird ideas about abuse and rape, which is really scary and confusing and alienating?!

The magazine then did a follow-up story, which is one of the worst things I've ever read, due to how grossly irresponsible it is... like, if I was a victim, gave my story to a magazine in good faith, and then a follow up story by the same magazine completely minimized and dismissed what had happened to me, I can't even imagine how angry I would feel.

It starts:

After one of my colleagues read the page proofs for the piece, he came into my office. “Did you find that first incident to be a little … ambiguous?” he asked tentatively. I told him I didn’t find it ambiguous at all; it didn’t meet my definition of rape. Another colleague overheard our conversation and joined us. She, too, said what happened to the woman didn’t sound like rape—“Or if it is,” she added, “I’ve been raped in every relationship I’ve ever been in.”

A few days later, that first colleague and I were discussing the piece with another staffer who is in her 20s. She was adamant that what the woman experienced was rape. “But I did worry, when I read it,” the younger staffer admitted, “that some people wouldn’t see it that way.”

Can rape really be in the eyes of the beholder? It appears it can.

And stuff like that makes me feel like however awful my own behaviour was, that it's really important that I do stay alive and try to educate people, because regular law abidin' human beings will still write things like the above!

TL;DR - I sort of swing between just loathing myself and wanting to go to jail... and horror / outrage at how messed up a lot of people's understand of sexual violence is and the resulting belief that I have some kind of duty to stay alive and help educate people because the situation is too dire for me not to!!! Obviously, this is all very grandoise and self-centering. Really I'd just like to be appropriately punished, then live a quite and humble life, doing good stuff when I can and helping my partner receive recognition for her own amazing writing.

Scanning through the comments, it does appear as if you've picked out the most unreasonable one.

This is the problem with emotive topics such as rape - the rational part of the brain tends to get out-shouted when we need it the most. A kind of Godwin's Law equivalent comes into effect and people start talking about Ted Bundy when the subject was originally someone who had been "a bit too forward" in the bedroom.

But I'm pleased to see the author was able to bring both extremes together into a reasoned, unifying statement:

We can and should see the men who commit such acts as complex human beings, but not glorify them as romantic ideals.

It does matter how nice someone who has raped is. The more niceness we have in the world the better. If all the time not spent raping and killing is spent being nice, that is better than it being spent not being nice.

It does matter that Ted Bundy volunteered on a rape crisis line. Rapist or not, help is help.

You don't be nice or volunteer because you want to absolve yourself of your past sins. You do it because you want to feel good/better about yourself. Let's not kid ourselves. However, I would rather have a world run on enlightened self interest, than the perpetual shame of not wanting to deceive people.

In a way, we are all deceiving others whenever we do a good deed and accept gratification because another person believes we did it purely out of altruism. But I am glad that good deeds can be linked to self interest, because it means even people like Ted Bundy would be driven to volunteer and be nice, in spite of his harmful impulses.

So you should volunteer and be nice if only because it will make you feel better. No deception necessary. You always were doing it for yourself...

You have to remember that laws are an attempt to put a black and white framework over an ultimately gray world. Guilty or not-guilty is how we try to ignore the true complexity of our reality. What matters more than the law is what you and the person you had this interaction with felt about it.

You said that this person has forgiven you, and didn't believe it to have been rape. That is what you should go with, because just because the law specifies something does not mean that it reflects the reality of what actually happened between you. Furthermore, the law is entirely divorced from ethics or morality. Just look at Jim Crow laws in the United States, clearly not all laws should be respected or even obeyed. The law is a horrible metric with which to measure the ethics of your actions.

That being said, I personally don't believe in punishment, I believe in rehabilitation. And since you feel remorse for this and have apologized, and the person you have this experience with accepted your apology, you can leave this behind you. In a sense, you have rehabilitated yourself. There is no reason to voluntarily commit yourself to a prison over this. Don't throw yourself at the mercy of the legal system, because the legal system is a "festival of cruelty" as Nietzsche would call it. It is a spectacle, don't volunteer to be a part a of.

I think there can be an element of gleeful cruelty to punishment... otherwise there wouldn't have been souvenirs at public hangings and people wouldn't post such delighted comments on articles when executions are botched and the criminal suffers for a long time before dying. I think it is difficult to extricate the pleasure from justice... but at the same time, don't genuinely law-abiding citizens deserve that pleasure? If someone has lived their life not causing harm or abuse, then have they not earned the right to see justice done and celebrate this as they wish?

The only thing that troubles me is that there are a number of people (and it is hard to know what amount) who have committed abuse, but lack the self-awareness to realise this. My current partner's ex, for instance, would be very pleased if he discovered I had been thrown into jail and would likely post many gleeful (and sanctimonious) updates on his blog about it, despite the fact that he was persistently abusive in his own relationship, is in his late 20s and tried to guilt-trip, bribe and badger a 16-year-old girl into sending him explicit photos, stalked another younger woman around the campus at his university until she was forced to drop out, and had his friends essentially send death threats to my partner when she broke up with him. Really, he is a real piece of work... but he just doesn't seem to see it! He characterises himself online as a 'true romantic' and even shares feminist updates, despite how shockingly badly he has treated the young women in his life. Likewise, the friend of a friend who says sex offenders should be hung, while dating a 15-year-old at the age of 20... or that horrible Jezebel article in which about half of their writers admitting to having committed domestic abuse... or Jeremy Kyle making a career out of judging others when he emotionally abused his wife, cut up his clothes, stole loads of her money and gambled it away and had an exploitative sexual relationship with a 16-year-old employee! I absolutely think people who have lived genuinely decent lives have the right to take pleasure in punishment... but I also worry that a lot of abusive people don't even recognise that they have acted abusively. It's confusing and frustrating and scary.

At the end of the day, though, while I believe I *should* be punished, I care about the feelings of my ex as an individual and a survivor more than the justice system of America - knowing, as well, that I would be sentenced because she was 16 (which was illegal) rather than my specific act of abuse (which, irrespective of her age, would not have been illegal)... I would feel weird about being sentenced for a relationship that would have been legal in 90% of the states (due to the age of consent either being 16, as in Oklahoma, or the existence of a 5-year close-in-age exemption, as in Florida) while I simultaneously feel I should be severely punished for the isolated act of sexual assault itself, which was horrible and selfish and the single worst thing I have ever committed and ever will commit.

Sometimes I think I will move to Texas just so I can see out the 10-year statute of limitations. This is not because I don't want justice to be served against me (and, indeed, even if my victim said that she wanted to press charges 50 years after the fact, I would plead guilty in a heart-beat) but because I would feel like then at least I had played by the (bizarre) rules of the Texan legal code... so, with my victim having forgiven me and not interested in pressing charges, and having fulfilled the requirements of Texan law (however arbitrary and archaic) I might be able to move on with my life... which is not to say I would forgive myself (I will always feel deep regret and sorrow for my behaviour as long as I live) but that I might be able not to think about it every hour, which gets in the way of me being a decent friend or doing good and useful things with my life.

sprock wrote:I think it is difficult to extricate the pleasure from justice... but at the same time, don't genuinely law-abiding citizens deserve that pleasure? If someone has lived their life not causing harm or abuse, then have they not earned the right to see justice done and celebrate this as they wish?

Well first of all, we need to distinguish between justice and the legal system. There is a big gulf between the two. Locking people up like animals isn't justice in my opinion. And on top of that, I don't think that any one individual is solely responsible for their actions. To believe this is the deny the structural impact on our lives by the various institutions, norms, and influences on our lives.

You have changed as a person since this happened, and you are truly remorseful. If you want to continue to punish yourself, go ahead, but please don't throw yourself into the gulag willingly. That is ridiculous.

At the end of the day, though, while I believe I *should* be punished, I care about the feelings of my ex as an individual and a survivor more than the justice system of America - knowing, as well, that I would be sentenced because she was 16 (which was illegal) rather than my specific act of abuse (which, irrespective of her age, would not have been illegal)... I would feel weird about being sentenced for a relationship that would have been legal in 90% of the states (due to the age of consent either being 16, as in Oklahoma, or the existence of a 5-year close-in-age exemption, as in Florida) while I simultaneously feel I should be severely punished for the isolated act of sexual assault itself, which was horrible and selfish and the single worst thing I have ever committed and ever will commit.

Sexual assault is a despicable crime, and you rightly feel bad about it. However, like I have pointed out before, you regret it. Clearly you are rehabilitated, clearly you won't do this again. If you really want to punish yourself, why don't you offer to pay for this girls therapy if she decides she needs it. Maybe provide here with material support, or ask her what you could do to make it right with her.

I paid her a sum of a few hundred pounds - reimbursement for the plane cost of my second visit - which I believe she appreciated (as we had previously disagreed about the payment, so it was something of a goodwill gesture) ... I'm way of getting in contact again after 6 years, since she did not reply to my last (i.e. second) offer to turn myself in, which I made a year or so ago, and declined the first time, saying that she didn't see what legal action there would be to take, that she felt I was taking the matter too seriously, and that I no longer 'owed' her anything... I'm not entirely if the latter was in response to my apology and offer of legal restitution, or the fact that I paid her the sum of money, but I believe it was made in good faith.

I'm obviously entirely confident that I will never assault someone again as long as I live. My current partner and I have a non-sexual relationship, which we are both comfortable with and I have always been careful of her boundaries around cuddling and kissing etc.

To be honest, if castration were readily available on the N.H.S. I would ask for it, though my assault was non-penile and I don't necessarily think that castration stops assault or rape from occurring... but I'm more than happy to live out life as a non-sexual being. I just don't want to hurt anyone else and wish to live quietly, trying to put some good back into the world, if I can. I've read so, so, so much stuff about how anyone who is sexual with a child, or commits any kind of assault, should be killed or tortured and will be so infinitely in Hell, so I find hope hard... sometimes I don't know if I deserve to live. But, at the same time, it seems like assault is horribly more common than people would think (even this week there has been a Youtube celebrity here in Britain who has made a video of himself "jokingly" assaulting women in the street) judging by things I have read and the experiences of many of my female friends and acquaintances. This doesn't make it whatsoever acceptable, but it probably means that if an individual is a perpetrator but has genuinely changed, it is useful for them to educate others and do what they can - the problem is that big.

Judging by your opinion on prison and your profile picture, am I right in thinking that you are an anarchist, Ressentiment?

sprock wrote:I'm way of getting in contact again after 6 years, since she did not reply to my last (i.e. second) offer to turn myself in, which I made a year or so ago, and declined the first time, saying that she didn't see what legal action there would be to take, that she felt I was taking the matter too seriously, and that I no longer 'owed' her anything... I'm not entirely if the latter was in response to my apology and offer of legal restitution, or the fact that I paid her the sum of money, but I believe it was made in good faith.

Have you considered that maybe the best course of action for both of you is if you let it go? She clearly doesn't feel like it was a big event in her life. What you did was definitely wrong, but I think you should maybe let it go. If you keep tracking her down and telling her about it, it might be making things worse for her. Imagine that you were her for a second. Assume that she doesn't even think about this event much, and she genuinely doesn't think it is a big deal. If you kept getting letters every couple years reminding you about how you were sexually assaulted, don't you think that you would wish the person would stop reminding you of it?

Not only that, but they might not want somebody to keep messaging them all the time. I am not saying you are necessarily harassing them, but maybe you kinda are in a way. The thing is, you can't change what happened now. I think you should leave her alone, and let her find her own way in life. Stop reminding her about this, and don't bother her with it anymore.

I'm obviously entirely confident that I will never assault someone again as long as I live. My current partner and I have a non-sexual relationship, which we are both comfortable with and I have always been careful of her boundaries around cuddling and kissing etc.

I am glad that you have found a relationship that works for you, and that you also recognize that you will never make the same mistake again.

I've read so, so, so much stuff about how anyone who is sexual with a child, or commits any kind of assault, should be killed or tortured and will be so infinitely in Hell, so I find hope hard... sometimes I don't know if I deserve to live.

Well I am an atheist so I don't believe you will burn in hell for all eternity. Even if I were religious I doubt I would believe that, remember that the law and morality are separate. If God were a loving God and all that jazz, I really doubt he would punish you when you have clearly changed your ways. Say 10 hail Marys and you will be okay.

This doesn't make it whatsoever acceptable, but it probably means that if an individual is a perpetrator but has genuinely changed, it is useful for them to educate others and do what they can - the problem is that big.

Maybe that is what you should do. Find a way to influence others, and educate about this issue. If you ever witness it, say something. If a friend tells you a story about how they assaulted someone, educate them about it. Our culture is really horrible towards women, to the point where men don't even find it wrong that they coerce women into sex. You would be surprised how many people I barely know who have confessed some horrible $#%^ to me about what they have done to women, as if I will be down with it since I am a dude.

Judging by your opinion on prison and your profile picture, am I right in thinking that you are an anarchist, Ressentiment?

Yes

Thank you for the reply. You seem to have your head on straight.

I agree that I should not contact her again. I think asking the second time, after a couple of years had passed, was too much, already - as she was clear enough about not being interested in pressing charges and having long moved on from the relationship. She's a very creative person with a rich inner life so I imagine that she is putting her own energies into music, amongst other things. I do not want to harass her or, by pressing charges against her will, add insult to an already grievous injury.

I will continue to try to educate others... I've done some work with 'Sexpression', which I think is a good charity, and I've handed out some of the zines I posted elsewhere in this sub-forum. Since I have decided not to kill myself, it is best to do useful stuff, rather than just beat myself up... though I often struggle with the issue of whether I 'deserve' to do good, which is pretty futile and useless, really. I think there must be a balance between feeling regret and shame and not being completely cut off from life. I will never have the self-respect than I would have had I not done something so horrible and that is something I am learning to respect. I am glad I am less likely to act like an entitled, male jerk now than 6 years back. I am really thankful that I came to understand how screwed up my actions were.

As for Hell... I don't much believe in it either, but the doubt still gets to me sometimes. To be honest, the idea that people would want me to suffer infinitely for infinity is very scary. But I understand the desire and belief.

As for anarchism, have you read Ursula Le Guin's novel The Dispossessed?