Am I really messed up?

I once again posted a fake story about rape that I passed off as real on reddit.

I left it there for 15 mins before trying to delete it, but it was still there. I discovered that it doesn't delete the message properly, that I should have edited the text out before deleting. I don't know if anyone else could access it, I can't do anything to it now. At least it has a trigger warning. I also trolled two more times and I can't take them back either though at least both of them could easily enough be taken as short examples. They didn't have trigger warnings on those.

I feel so guilty and know it's wrong to pose as a rape victim for attention. I mean I actually was sexually assaulted, by a friend no less! I could trigger someone for no good reason over a fake post. And I knew it, which is why I put a trigger warning. How could I stop myself from doing this in the future? Have I just completely ###$ up?

Is it just attention you're seeking?

Try turning it around - have you tried offering your attention/help to other people?

Often we like to see people receiving what we ourselves like to receive. For example, we like giving people gifts or giving other people good news. It makes you feel good. In fact, studies have shown that helping others is the "secret" to long term happiness and well being.

That might be a better way of channelling your energy and spending time away from those forums. Plus, you'll get positive attention for doing good deeds.

Hey, don't feel so badly. People will find triggering stuff... and it sounds like you are trying to work through your issues. You don't sound so messed up to me.

Do you think it could be that you're worried that people won't take the actual sexual assault you suffered seriously enough, so you feel the need to invent further stories? The only case of someone I know lying about rape online when they were a teenager was because they were being emotionally (and possibly physically, I can't remember) abused and I think they were scared that no-one would listen to them.

You haven't abused anyone. It sounds like you're mostly hurting yourself. Please give yourself a break if you can.