I can't take this guilt and shame much longer.

First off I never thought I'd find myself confessing to something like this on an internet forum. But until I find a good therapist (no health insurance right now) this will have to do.

I'm a 28 year old man who is dealing with a lot of depression and major anxiety especially this year after having my father pass away due to cancer. Also I just had a 2 and 1/2 year relationship end and I lost a great girlfriend/best friend. I didn't reach my father in time to at least make peace with him and tell him I still loved him. We had a non-existent relationship the last ten years because of many family problems (divorce, emotional abuse) I firmly believe was a result of his alcoholism.

So here it goes…..growing up I had an older cousin who is now deceased (drunk driving accident) who I look up to like a brother/best friend. I loved being around and always tried to emulate how he talked or dressed. I thought it was so cool to be his 'little brother'. I think he was still in high school and I remember sleeping over at his house one day (I was very young maybe 11-12? ) and we were laying in his bed. I remember him fondling me and in turn had me fondle him. It was very confusing at the time and I thought it must be 'ok' and acceptable behavior because he was family. But I just really didn't know what to make of it at the time. I don't know how many times this happened, but I'm sure it happened more than once and it never really went past fondling each other. I can also recall seeing pornography at a very young age, especially when around my older cousin.

It did something to me though, like it sparked urges in me to want and touch other people. I have 3 younger siblings. This hurts me so much to talk about and confess it. It's so overwhelming and I've carried this around without telling anyone up until now. I remember one day seeing my young sister sleeping and I actually opened up her pants to try and touch her down there. I remember though I hesitated like 'what the hell are you doing? This is your LITTLE SISTER!' and I stopped.

But these urges kept coming up and around that same time I remember playing with my younger brother (2nd oldest) and manipulating him into 'playing with me'. I touched him and he touched me back. I remember doing acts with him I must have learned from watching pornography or something, where I tried to penetrate him and have him perform fellatio on me. I just don't understand what got into me? I F****** sexually abused my little brother and it kills me every time I think about it.

He has not approached me about it at all and I'm pretty sure he remembers some of it. He has commitment issues and I would say he's a heavy drinker with a sort of 'reckless'I'm a badass type' attitude. If I told him, I'm just not sure how he would take.

For the last couple years I've been infatuated with pictures of young girls (nothing illegal) and other porn in general. It's like a sort of coping mechanism for stress and anxiety and I become engrossed in a 'fantasy world'. Alongside all my emotional baggage I think this was a big part in the undoing of my last relationship. It devastated her knowing that I was looking at porn, when she was always so eager to please me.

I know I really need to see a therapist ASAP. But what should be my plan of action? This month I have gone cold-turkey on all porn. I just want to be happy and really work through all this emotional baggage I've been carrying around for years. I go to a great school right now and I'm in a position to have a very bright future. I have to seriously address all of this because I'm pursuing a career in the medical field.

I'm just so lost, hurt, and depressed.

You do need a therapist. A lot of places will take clients on for a sliding scale fee, often for next to nothing. I think the first thing you need to do is to examine your guilty feelings: kids do not have the behavioral or emotional control that we would expect from adults. Have you acted on those feelings since you were younger? How did your brother react? Was this really abusing your brother or was it mutual exploration?

Jimjustjim wrote:You do need a therapist. A lot of places will take clients on for a sliding scale fee, often for next to nothing. I think the first thing you need to do is to examine your guilty feelings: kids do not have the behavioral or emotional control that we would expect from adults. Have you acted on those feelings since you were younger? How did your brother react? Was this really abusing your brother or was it mutual exploration?

Thank you very much. I've felt a lot better now since just getting it 'out there' even if it is on an internet forum. I've been looking up therapists and will do my best to find one with a sliding scale fee. It's just going to be so hard to talk to someone in person about this. I know I have to talk to someone about it eventually though.

I have not acted on those feelings since being younger. But like I mentioned before I've been a bit obsessed and often have fantasized about being with very young teen/preteen girls I'd see pictures of (again nothing illegal) on websites. That was for a big part of this year especially, but I've stopped cold turkey. With everything that happened with my ex, it has been a huge wake up call that what I was engaged in and the thoughts are not 'healthy' at all if I ever want to have a great relationship with a person.

I've been very disgusted with myself. After my ex had started dating someone else, that really hurt, because I lost her as a best friend too. I really had started contemplating suicide, but chickened out in the end because I knew how many people it was going to hurt. Plus that's the last thing I'd do after my father just died, it would've been too cruel to my family.

My brother reacted innocently and did not fight it or really question it, he just went with it and yes it was more like mutual exploration. I just remember it was like just playing and having fun and I felt excited about it all. This had only happened that one day and that was it.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Yes, therapy will help with the psychological aspects of all this.

In the meantime you should be present and mindful of your feelings as they arise. Have you tried meditation? A lot of people are put off meditation because they believe it to be new age woo, only for Buddhists or something! But there are scientifically proven benefits of basic mindfulness exercises undertaken on a daily basis for as little as ten minutes...

For example: http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/mind ... meditation

The point of meditation is to realise a simple yet overlooked truth - that what you call the "I", the experience of consciousness, is not synonymous with your thoughts or feelings and, to a further degree, is illusory.

If a negative thought arises, whether guilt from the past or anxiety about the future, you never actually take the form of these thoughts. You are simply the space (consciousness) in which they arise.

Now, realising this doesn't make the negative thoughts go away, or even less negative, but what it does is detach you from your identification with them.

The problem is, you have been brought up, like most people, to identify with things like past, your job, your class, your personality etc. These are all conditions you experience as "me". But in fact it is the experience OF these conditions that is the essence of your being and never changes. To exist fully in the present moment is to exist in the only moment that thought has no power over you. You start to watch thoughts instead of absorb yourself in them.

The illusion of ego or the "self" has been widely documented by neuroscientists and philosophers, and through my own personal exploration of these concepts I have found incredible peace and freedom from the suffering created by the mind.

If he isn't having issues and it was just mutual exploration then I wouldn't feel too guilty about it. You should still see someone about it, but don't beat yourself up about the past.

epiphany55 wrote:Yes, therapy will help with the psychological aspects of all this.

In the meantime you should be present and mindful of your feelings as they arise. Have you tried meditation? A lot of people are put off meditation because they believe it to be new age woo, only for Buddhists or something! But there are scientifically proven benefits of basic mindfulness exercises undertaken on a daily basis for as little as ten minutes...

For example: http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/mind ... meditation

The point of meditation is to realise a simple yet overlooked truth - that what you call the "I", the experience of consciousness, is not synonymous with your thoughts or feelings and, to a further degree, is illusory.

If a negative thought arises, whether guilt from the past or anxiety about the future, you never actually take the form of these thoughts. You are simply the space (consciousness) in which they arise.

Now, realising this doesn't make the negative thoughts go away, or even less negative, but what it does is detach you from your identification with them.

The problem is, you have been brought up, like most people, to identify with things like past, your job, your class, your personality etc. These are all conditions you experience as "me". But in fact it is the experience OF these conditions that is the essence of your being and never changes. To exist fully in the present moment is to exist in the only moment that thought has no power over you. You start to watch thoughts instead of absorb yourself in them.

The illusion of ego or the "self" has been widely documented by neuroscientists and philosophers, and through my own personal exploration of these concepts I have found incredible peace and freedom from the suffering created by the mind.

Thank you this is very deep. I'm very into the Buddhist way of life (and I did meditate long ago) and I swear it ultimately helped me find purpose in life when I had been in a very dark place many years ago before I set out on my journey to go to college.

I'm going to start bringing meditation back into my life. I've just had so much negativity and just trash clouding up my conscience.

I've been reading a book called 'spiritual evolution' by an MD and it's been an amazing read so far and he often mentions buddhism/meditation and all the great scientific research backing it.