Very strong guilt that won't go away

It started almost a year ago. Something went terribly wrong in my head and for some reason I found my mother attractive. Her wearing more revealing clothes did not help at all. I am a teen, so my hormones are all over the place and I couldn't help but masturbate once to the thought of her. Immediately after I was finished I panicked, felt so much guilt and hoped that it was just a bad dream. Since then I view her as nothing more than my mom and feel ZERO attraction to her. I feel disgusted with myself every time I remember that, which happens almost every time I see her. I wish that I had never done that, as I would have a much, much more happier life. It really makes me think about suicide since the guilt is unbearable. Other stuff I should note is that I experienced two rather unpleasant things in my life which happened before I did it - My mom and almost getting a divorce ( but in an unpleasant way, my mom was crying, grandpa was very mad at my father, etc. ), my grandpa getting drunk and getting aggressive. I'm on good terms with my father and grandfather, though. They're both good people. I also have an incest fetish after that happened but it hasn't been giving me that much guilt as I try to minimize it, if you can say that.

I think, while taboo, this is probably more common than we might assume (or admit). I mean, if your frame of reference are your friends, then they simply aren't going to share this sort of information.

Sexuality is very complex and mostly unconsciously driven. There is little you could have done to stop these urges arising. It doesn't necessarily mean you were specifically attracted to your mother either. It could simply be her femininity you were attracted to - a generic sexualisation of the female form.

I too went through a phase in my early teen years where I fantasised about my mother. I don't know where it came from, but it was just a phase and looking back it was a minor obsession over certain clothes she wore. It was simply objectification of a female form that was particularly close to me.

You can see from a lot of posts on this forum that sexual experimentation and intrigue can cause one to stumble across boundaries one might later find slightly uncomfortable.

But there's no need to feel any guilt about this. You couldn't help it and nobody was hurt.