Guilt from actions when younger...

Hey guys. Sorry this may be a little long. I've been feeling really down recently about something I did when I was younger. These thoughts came about during the summer.

Back when I was around 11/12, I started to walk a family friends' dog once or twice a week. I'd just walk the dog on my walk home from school.

One time when I was around 14 (not even sure of exact time), I decided to let the dog lick my penis. It felt good, and I didn't really think much of it. I went on with my day like nothing happened. I proceeded to do this a few more times, until I realized it may have been a little wrong. I also did this with my own dog twice, but that was it. Still, my life wasn't changed at all and I went on, living care free, not even looking back on it.

I believe my actions were spurred by the fact that I was really attracted to the wife in this family. I would always be aroused by her and the idea of being in her house alone really turned me on. I was always very sexually curious and this act was just experimental. I had no attraction to the dog and wasn't thinking about the moral side of things. Also, the dog wasn't hurt emotionally or physically. In reality, I didn't cause any harm.

So, I haven't thought about this event until about a month and a half ago (I'm 18). Since then, my thoughts have been clouded in shame and guilt. The person I am now would never do something like that and I wish I could take it back. The thought has just been so prominent in my mind and I've been feeling like I don't deserve any happiness, to the point where I can't even enjoy something as little as a meal because I feel like a horrible person.

I am overall a pretty good person, it's just that I've been focusing on this thought and it's making me think differently of myself. I've been feeling better recently (it hit real hard when the memory first resurfaced), but I still can't seem to let it go.

My outlook on life has changed so much. Everything seems to have lost its beauty. I'm constantly comparing myself to others, thinking "they probably haven't done anything that bad, or I wonder what's their worst regret".

Every time I feel joy or happiness, I question it and wonder if I deserve to feel happiness. Hobbies have even lost interest to me, I've had pretty much no sex drive recently, and my overall mood is always low. I haven't experienced happiness since this thought surfaced. I feel like a terrible person. I have so many good things going for me, but it's like I can't see the good in anything. It's like everything is clouded and I can't enjoy anything or be happy. I can't just live in the moment and enjoy myself, I'm always thinking and analyzing everything.

My mind is always thinking, and from reading a lot recently, I believe I do have OCD, and maybe depression and anxiety.

I been obsessed recently in reading all these posts in remorse and ones on reddit confession. I just need to clear my mind and have the outlook on life that I used to. And I have been seeing a counselor, which is helping a little.

Thank You

Hmm, I posted a reply yesterday and it seems to have disappeared.

Mods - any chance it can be recovered?

epiphany55 wrote:Hmm, I posted a reply yesterday and it seems to have disappeared.

Mods - any chance it can be recovered?

Yeah, I posted as well, seems to be gone also.