Guilt from sexual exploration. Help

Although I have made some progress since my last post, I am still deeply bothered by guilt from things I did when I was 13-15 and very sexually naive for my age. There are a few incidents I still worry about, all involving the same person, my brother's friend, who is almost four years younger than me. I'm just going to list them here, for full disclosure. 1- Four of us were sitting/lying on a bed playing video games. I was 13 or 14. I casually leaned over a bit and rested my elbow on the side of his bare torso like an armrest (he was laying next to me on his side) for maybe around 1 minute, and I had an erection from this (which he wouldn't have known). 2- I was playing basketball on an indoor mini-net in my brother's room for a couple of minutes and was turned on by the physical contact with his friend during the game. 3- Four of us were squished together playing video games on the couch, and I was aroused by having my arm touching the side of his torso and stomach a bit. A few times I leaned back a bit when I was excited by the game to get more contact, but nothing too weird. 4- One time I reached my arms around him to try to take the basketball from him, and he jokingly said "ahh you perv", and I jumped away.

Those are the things I worry about. The person involved has never shown any sign that he dislikes me at all in the many times I have been around him. A few months ago my wonderful mom died very suddenly from a heart attack (that's another story), and during a visit he gave me a hug that seemed completely unrestrained. He also hugged my dad and brother, who were there. I later got my brother to ask him for me whether I ever "did anything mean that would have made him dislike me". The guy replied right away that he couldn't think of anything and that he had always liked me. Not long after, I bumped into him in the gym, and he was very friendly and struck up conversation with me. I am now a 21 year old gay man, I've never had a boyfriend, and I have virtually no experience with any kind of sexual intimacy with anyone. My counselor thinks that once I gain some experience with sex/intimacy, the feelings will go away. For now, I still can't shake the feeling and thoughts that maybe I deserve to be in jail, and it's ruining my life Any help or perspective would be much appreciated.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. << Read that until your eyes hurt

Sexual arousal comes from a place beyond our control, like hunger or the need to go to the toilet (although it's obviously far more complex than those impulses). A lot of people have trouble grasping that concept, but it's the truth.

Even Orwell's thought police couldn't get you on arousal, since it's not born of volition.

Some arousal happens in socially acceptable situations, some in questionable situations, some in what would be considered socially unacceptable circumstances. But the fact remains that arousal itself is not under anyone's control, therefore the notion that you deserve jail is preposterous.

Honestly, you will look back on this when you're 30 (hopefully much sooner) and shake your head in disbelief that you could have beaten yourself up so much over so little.

Be at peace.

Thank you so much Epiphany55. That is very reassuring. I just want to make clear that I did choose to do these things (albeit very impulsively) because I wanted to experience the sexual pleasure from them. I was hormonal and very naive (I didn't discover masturbation for instance until I was 17, long after these events). So, it wasn't that I just sort of happened to experience arousal in the situations, beyond my control... more that I consciously, subtly took advantage of the situation so that I could be in contact with him and enjoy it. Though on the surface there wasn't much of anything weird about what I was doing, or that was my hope. For example, I went to play basketball in my brother's room because I knew it would mean I'd get to be in contact with his friend a fair bit. I highly doubt he would have thought there was anything unusual about it, since they played the game all the time, but I still worry. And full disclosure, when I went back to my room after playing, I actually had a small orgasm, the first one I'd ever had (sorry if that's TMI). My concern is that maybe he felt uncomfortable in one of these situations I mentioned, or was somehow harmed, in which case it seems like sexual assault of a child

Sorry, I didn't realise that you actually wanted to feel aroused, which is why in my first reply I just wanted to clarify the point of not feeling at fault for the arousal itself. But even if you did manipulate situations in order to create arousal, that's still a long way from actually sexually assaulting someone, especially since you were technically a child yourself and in that awkward phase of experimentation.

It probably seems more obviously sexual from your POV because you're the one who was feeling aroused. I wouldn't worry about harming anyone by doing what you said.

You certainly don't deserve jail. What a notion!

Hello feelingdown93,

I am also a gay man in my 20s and I would like to offer you my perspective on the things that trouble you.

These memories that you describe.. seem very sweet and tender. They are a part of your sexual awakening and you should really look back to them with warmth and fondness, not condenm them! I understand that you feel awkward because at the time your friend was 10 years old, but this doesn't really mean anything.. You were a kid yourself too (14 is not exactly adult), naturally attracted to boys close to your age and when the occasion arose something else arose too

There is nothing in your narration that even remotely suggests manipulation or impulsivity.. You clearly tried to gain from the situation as much as you could (which was totally natural by the way), WITHOUT trespassing on your friend. You leaned on his shoulder and tried to make it look as natural as possible in order not to disturb him. 10 year old boys are not famous for their tact: if you made him uncomfortable he would complain and shoo you away without second thoughts. Even if he didn't do that, that kind of physical contact could hardly classify as molestation or trauma! I also feel that if he showed the faintest signs of irritation you would be the first one to notice and keep your distances!

[Just to be sure here manipulation or impulsivity would mean luring him alone in a nearby room and having your way with him whether he wanted it or not. I mean it is a totally different situation! Even if the thought DID occur to you, it still wouldn't matter: control always excites us, but fantasizing is entirely different than acting.]

I am so sorry that you feel so bad for such a trivial thing, but it is really not worth it.. If I may express an entirely personal opinion, I believe people with OCD have so many strict rules and preconceptions about sexuality that lead them to fear their sexuality and restrain/punish themselves (that surely happened to me!). We are not robots you know.. we cannot choose at will what excites us and what not! But it is a real shame that this guilt keeps you closed to yourself, your sexuality dormant and doesn't let you connect with another person Our life is very short to fret over such things and time won't reverse, in a few years you will probably regret the time you spent worrying about all these stuff (but one could always argue that you needed that time to reach that conclusion )

I became instantly fond of you, because in many ways you remind me of myself.. I truly hope you will give yourself some slack, that will alleviate your worries.

Hi, bi guy here (some people think we're fictional, like unicorns). Don't feel guilty. What you did was just what straight people do in their teens, only with a guy. At least around here, there's a lot of leeway for teenagers to sexually explore. Everybody does it, it's natural.

Now you know who you are, don't be ashamed of it. What you are experiencing is called "internalized homophobia." That's when you start to believe what others told you. Could they be right all along, and I really am an abomination? That sort of thing.

Well you're not. You're just like everyone else, except that you fall in love with men.

Really.