Some advice please? Am I a horrible person?

Hello everyone,
This is going to be really hard for me. Bare with me while I try to explain, and try and fight back the tears and the nausea.
I have been holding this in for so long and just can't deal anymore, I also don't want this to be long-winded.
When I was younger, about 10-12 years old, I sexually experimented with a friend who was a year older. Not sure if I was always a sexually curious child, but I felt like it wasn't wrong because my best friend said it was fine and I had seen things on TV and in magazines of people having sex. Girl on girl. All that.
Anyways, around this time, my Sister and I did the same thing (she is 2 years younger). I cannot fully remember, there was some "sexual intercourse" if you want to call it that between the two of us...I don't remember if our clothes were on or not or if I am making things up or if it was with my friend. I just don't know! It all seems so muddled!
Anyways, I never forced anything on her. And I have read so many things saying this is totally normal sexual experimentation as a child but the guilt is overwhelming. Is it experimentation if there is touching to that extent??
I feel like it's all my fault even though we both did it and never thought nothing of it and soon stopped after a few times.
My Sister and I are still close and we talk often but whenever I see her I can't help but feel shame and guilt. I do not want to bring it up to her because what if she is doing just fine and I ruin it all? What if she doesn't want to bring it up. Then again she might laugh it off as us being young and "dumb". But I just am at a loss right now.
Other then that life is going well enough, we are both in long term relationships and our relationship is good.
I also have OCD so I will sit and ruminate on these things all day and finally I have had the courage to write about this. I have NEVER once said or told anyone about this.
Many people say that ones that don't have an illness like OCD laugh it off and say "we did some stupid stuff when we were young!" But I can't seem to let it go! And I hope that this will help and I do feel a bit better writing it out here. It's only ever been in my head.
I don't think I am an abuser. I don't. But I also hope that I didn't do anything to harm her long term, mentally or emotionally. I guess we wouldn't be talking if I did. Or she would have some problems.
If anyone can give me any sort of advice. I am here to take it. I just want these thoughts to go away. In the past I brushed them off and thought we were silly children but then now all of a sudden it's come to this. I don't know if it's my OCD or...if I am just a horrible person and being punished.

Thank you for listening.

Hi, you're clearly feeling tremendous psychological pain over things you did when you were a child.

Without a doubt the problem here is your OCD and not what you did, because what you did is not actually that bad. Until you can sort out your obsessive thought patterns you will always find something to play on repeat. Your mind just happened to latch on to this particular memory - "ah, perfect" it says! The ego loves drama (because it strengthens identity, which is linked to survival), and there's no greater drama than with guilt. If something doesn't warrant quite enough guilt, it will elaborate on the story behind it and inflate the sense of guilt. When you have OCD, this is multiplied by ten.

Step back and watch it (your mind) play its games. Laugh at it, even, when you see it for what it truly is. I know it can be irritating, but all this inflated guilt/shame you're experiencing is merely a side effect of an otherwise well meaning survival mechanism. It's trying to cling on to a sense of self that you don't need any more.

Aside from all this, I don't feel there is such a thing as a horrible person. No matter what you do, it will always only be a small part of what makes up the thing you can call "I".

There are horrible actions (by human standards at least), sure. Yours wasn't horrible as it was purely out of curiosity and mutual experimentation. It sounds like you were both on the same page. I'm not condoning underage sex, I'm just saying, given the individual circumstances, it's nothing serious.

Be at peace. You are not the girl who did those things and you are not your OCD. But by getting your OCD under control through psychotherapy, you'll be in a far more comfortable place to explore the true self. Once you can do this, past events, especially those from childhood, don't seem so significant any more.

Thank you so much Epiphany55 for taking the time to reply to my long post.

I will have to agree with you that I need to get my OCD under control and I thank you for driving that home for me.
There are definitely days that are better then others, but my OCD definitely plays on my emotions and past thoughts and actions. There have even been circumstances where I have made "memories" up and gone from there!
I am unsure why I have great difficulty looking back on past real memories and it's hard sometimes for me to tell if they did in fact actually happen or if I watered that seed (thought) to something that has grown into what I feel is an actual memory.
I don't deny that things happened when I was younger and I do try to remember that I am not that child. I am an adult now (late 20s). I guess I am moreso afraid that I somehow scarred her, even though things were done with no force whatsoever nor any coercion or verbal abuse.
I do feel like I carry this huge weight on my shoulders....and it pains me but I feel in some way I deserve it.
I will definitely look into therapy, 110%. I do believe I need to work through this with someone to lead a more happy and fulfilled life.
My relationship with my sibling is, just fine....I guess if anything were to be wrong, then there would be red flags of some sort. We talk very often and are close.

I guess we are not alone, in a small way I feel better that I am not the only one. We aren't monsters. We are fallible as human beings in general, and we were only just children that didn't really know what we were doing, right from wrong...

I just still have a lot to work on in terms of letting this guilt go, moving forward and not allowing my mental illness to be constantly getting in the way.

Thank you again. I do truly appreciate it.


Ps. I know you don't condone underage sex and neither do I. I just wanted to point out that I wasn't even really sure what I was doing. Just what my friend told me was "normal" and what we had seen on TV or in movies as "normal" to do between people. I was never really educated on sex and what was right or wrong. I am still unsure why it happened but I guess in a way people are right when they say children do things for the raw pleasure of things, that they don't really look at the consequences or repercussions of their actions.
If I could change it I would.

You're welcome. It's good to hear your relationship with your sibling is fine.

You will let go of this baggage when you're ready. In a way, it can feel like you're the one setting the terms of your own punishment. It is an irritating and needless game your ego is playing, but give it the space to do its thing. Just be quietly and non-judgementally aware of it, don't identify with it.

The guilt trip will "play itself out" eventually (and probably a lot quicker if you tackle your OCD), and you'll find you have much more clarity and perspective over what your past means to you today.

It may take some time, but try not to put your life on hold in the meantime. Don't get into the trap of thinking "this is me for the rest of my life". Like the clouds in the sky and everything that is finite and subject to the law of impermanence... this too shall pass

Again - thank you so much Epiphany - everything you say makes total sense....
My OCD definitely takes things and runs with it...oftentimes it blows things out of proportion...as I have realized that there was no 'sexual intercourse' and yet, I wrote that....not even thinking....but I am not going to go into it all and replaying it - because that is what my OCD wants as well....and then next I'll be asking for reassurance, which is what continues this entire cycle.

I will try and not put my life on hold, although the negative self-talk really plays a number on me day in and day out. I know that I didn't abuse...I know that it was stupid exploration as *children*....I just don't understand how some people can just let it go, chalk it up to children being stupid, naive and just not *knowing* what they are doing...to people that become obsessed with it, riddled with guilt. I guess I know the answer to that.

I will definitely look into therapy....definitely work through this and try not to let it take over. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I thank you, sincerely, for taking the time to reply to my posts, Epiphany. You seem quite knowledgable about OCD...maybe if I have questions I could PM you in the future?

Hope everyone else is genuinely doing well....
Take care.

Yes, please feel free to message me any time you want.

I haven't been diagnosed with OCD myself, but I have lived with someone with OCD and I know how much it can dominate your life and distort your thinking. There are people with OCD who post on this forum who may be able to offer more first hand experience.