Was it just experimentation?

I'm a teen and ive been really depressed lately because of intrusive thoughts, and just recently found out i have HOCD. Even though i believe that i'm straight, my mind wont let go of the thought of being gay. And since my mind keeps thinking these thoughts. It has brought back past experiences that i forgot all about that happened when i was younger, and the more that i think about it, the more guilty i feel.

I have 2 experiences which happened around the same year. I got my first laptop when i was 9 or 10 and i discovered porn somehow and i might have been watching almost everyday, which is what i think caused these things to happen, i believe i was just curious. I'm not even sure this experience even happened because i can't even remember when it happened, and im just not sure what to believe. It was when i was 10 and my brother was 4 when i think i humped my brother with just underwear on. Im not sure if that happened or if it it was a dream. The other experience i had is when i was 10 and my cousin was 6 and i think we humped naked and i doubt he remembers and i hope he doesnt. I feel so guilty about both of those and i think i mainly did it because i wanted to know why people on those films thought it felt so good. I was even desperate enough to ask my brother who is now 7 if i ever did anything like that, and since we're so close and we joke around a lot he just laughed and said no. I thought he would remember something like that because hes very intelligent. I really dont think the one with my brother happened but im just not sure. If these did happen should i feel this way? Was it just experimenting? And what can i do to stop feeling this way?

-- Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:11 am --

Please respond? I feel weird and disgusted with myself. I think i was just mimicking what i saw but it still wasnt right.

This does sound like experimentation to me. But me saying "don't worry about it" isn't going to change your mindset.

You need to continue getting therapy for your OCD. The fact is that most people without OCD would be able to shrug off everything you've mentioned as "stupid stuff I did as a kid". But as long as those obsessive thought patterns exist, no amount of reassurance will help. You need to get this OCD under control before you'll be able to move on.

I wish you all the best. Try to be mindful of the present moment as much as possible. If you catch yourself drifting into thoughts about sexuality or your past, bring your focus back to your body (e.g. your heart beat) and become aware of everything around you in its present form (noises, colours, feelings etc.).