crippling guilt from realising I raped someone (TW)

+100 to all of that, elfie.

I really hope I didn't come across as lecturing you because I'm totally the last person who should be doing that. Really sorry if though. It makes a lot of sense now reading that you missed the part in which the victim identified as having been raped.

I don't think the OP is a monster though so I'm glad you agree with that.

Lord Jesus, this is too much to read. How about you think before you act? Gosh. People are fning weird.

I'm failing to see how your a rapist? What just because she was raped in the past? So What. If she didn't say no and she didn't struggle against you, your not a rapist. I have no doubt you are indeed feminist inclined, as one of the ridiculous beliefs of male feminists is that a woman must be the sexual instigator, otherwise its practically rape.

If your so guilt ridden why don't you turn yourself into the police? Or when you meet a woman you like, ask her if she's ever been raped lol.

ashc wrote:Lord Jesus, this is too much to read. How about you think before you act? Gosh. People are fning weird.

lmao

Dazz wrote:I'm failing to see how your a rapist? What just because she was raped in the past? So What. If she didn't say no and she didn't struggle against you, your not a rapist. I have no doubt you are indeed feminist inclined, as one of the ridiculous beliefs of male feminists is that a woman must be the sexual instigator, otherwise its practically rape.

If your so guilt ridden why don't you turn yourself into the police? Or when you meet a woman you like, ask her if she's ever been raped lol.

ashc wrote:Lord Jesus, this is too much to read. How about you think before you act? Gosh. People are fning weird.

lmao

Ash luvs Dazz.

Feminists crack me up. Do you know how many times I've been banned from websites for expressing these same views? I agree 100%- one must state her feelings and struggle , NEVER GIVE IN. Otherwise, iit's NOT rape OR sexual assault. My definitions are flawed supposedly, but it's what I believe. Glad I FIIIIIIIINAAAALY find someone who agrees.

sprock...no you werent lecturing at all, don't worry. I do believe there are grey areas and I hate this sex obsessed society where anything is seen as sexual assault. Humans do things that other humans don't like or agree to all the time. If we criminalized all of it we wouldnt function as a species.
If this girl felt she as violated then that is her right. But I agree, the OP is in no way a monster. He sounds pretty normal. Yes he may have been inappropriate but I dislike the term 'rapist' in this instance and its connotations.

elfie24 wrote:sprock...no you werent lecturing at all, don't worry. I do believe there are grey areas and I hate this sex obsessed society where anything is seen as sexual assault. Humans do things that other humans don't like or agree to all the time. If we criminalized all of it we wouldnt function as a species.
If this girl felt she as violated then that is her right. But I agree, the OP is in no way a monster. He sounds pretty normal. Yes he may have been inappropriate but I dislike the term 'rapist' in this instance and its connotations.

I have a lot of sympathy when it comes to the stance that there are no grey areas when it comes to consent and rape... I guess I used the fact that 16 is the age of consent here in Britain as a grey area to excuse and minimize my own act of statutory rape in my second relationship (legally, in fact, there is no such thing - it's a blanket term - it would be 'sexual assault of a child' in the state I was in) for some time after the relationship ended, since I'm British and have grown up with 16 being the so-called 'magic number' (*eye roll*). I realize now that this was just denial, so I'm way of people using similar excuses themselves. However much I wish it wasn't, statutory rape is real rape and no less deserving of that term, than any other form of rape.

That said... I know that some states and countries have arguably overly harsh laws. In California, for example, not only in the age of consent 18, there is no close in age exemption. If I'm honest, I wouldn't necessarily see every 18-year-old Californian sleeping with a 17-year-old partner as a rapist, although legally this may well be the case. I don't like making exception, but that does seem a bit... well... pedantic. It means that legally a massive, massive amount of Californian high schoolers must be rapists. Maybe almost half. That doesn't seem right.

I also find it easier to be harder on myself (and yes, probably men in general) than on partners who society would recognise as female (my first partner in sixth form was a young woman; my third partner during my MA was genderqueer) crossed my own boundaries.

When I lost my virginity at 17, it was because my girlfriend's friends had all placed monetary bets on when we'd have sex, which put on lot on pressure on her, in turn putting pressure on me. I didn't really want to, was too nervous and so wasn't really in the mood and ended up in tears because of my failure! Though we had a pretty good / healthy sex life thereafter, there was one instance in which her mother was downstairs and we were messing about upstairs and she wanted us to have sex. I was nervous about her mum walking in and kept withdrawing, saying that I was anxious because I could hear her walking about. Eventually, my girlfriend, annoyed / angry said something to the effect of 'just do it' and, I'm not sure, but possibly grabbed me. That wasn't great and I remember feeling pretty hurt.

My last partner was genderqueer, which did a hell of a lot to deconstruct my notions of masculinity and heterosexuality and was basically a very good thing for me (also, they're a really nice chap). Because they weren't necessarily comfortable with certain things, we moved away from intercourse and generally just touched instead. I was comfortable being touched genitally and one time my partner was doing this, but then, inserted a finger, without having asked. This wasn't something I had done before and while it was not unpleasant, I felt pretty weird that they hadn't asked for my permission first, as it felt pretty sudden. They then realised they hadn't asked, apologised profusely and asked if it was ok. I said it was, although this was partly because I didn't want to upset my partner further and partly because I remembered touching my own ex (my second girlfriend) in a violatory way without asking and since she had said she just wanted to spoon / cuddle that night, whereas now I was already in a sexual situation, just not one I expected to escalate in that way, it seemed it would be churlish to complain and that I 'deserved' what had happened, which was probably good for me to experience. And y'know, maybe it better helped me appreciate the vulnerable position a person is put in when they are penetrated and the fact that sex will generally be more intimate and potentially anxiety-provoking for biological women.

Anyway, my point is, I don't consider either of my partners above to be abusers or rapists, even though they were a bit entitled / stroppy (in the first instance) and clumsy / careless (in the second). I know they were acts of thoughtlessness, rather than predation or cruelty and it would seem unfair and OTT to class them alongside sex criminals. I guess I would call the instances I've described in which I felt uncomfortable as being 'grey areas', though I'm still not overly keen on the term.

Anyway! Sorry about the long reply. I just wanted to reflect properly upon what you said, rather than respond with an ideological hard-line 'NO THAT'S APOLOGIST!!' answer.

Yeah I understand what you mean. By saying that they are not 'rapists', I am not excusing their actions. What happened with you, particularly with the girl, was not appropriate and should be acknowledged as such. You felt uncomfortable and rightly so. However, as you say, I wouldn't call her a rapist and insist she goes to prison. If it was a repeated occurence that might be different, she made need to know it was wrong. But I think when people hear rapist they automatically assume an evil predator who needs to be in prison. And yes, I'd imagine half of the high school population would be considered 'rapists' by the law lol. I know I kissed someone who was 18 when I was 13. It didn't feel wrong and I enjoyed it, he was a nice guy who I liked. But looking back it was illegal (although we didn't have sex so I doubt he would get into much trouble.) The law is a funny thing. It serves a purpose, but in many ways it is so flawed. I know of a guy who is on the sex offender's register for flashing his butt at the police when drunk. LOL.

Hi

Firstly let me say that I have been sexually abused as a kid and also raped as an adult. It is important to take this sort of claim seriously however I think there are other situations that need to be considered.

I have to say that I am probably coming from a slightly cynical pov but I wonder whether she said she had been raped rather than admit to her BF she had drunken sex. From what I have seen on this forum apart from anywhere else is that this is not impossible. In addition if you have a messy past (I know this from experience) it ca cause you to regret sex afterwards. This is not the same as rape tho the two can get muddled. I have had quite a few experiences of having sex which I said yes to at the time and after feeling awful and like I had been assaulted. But this does not mean the guy raped me.

Maybe it is rape, I am not sure but I just wanted to bring up the points I made

Cracked

As a survivor of SA, I felt a need to reply to this post.

To start with, the nature of rape/attempted rape and nonconsensual sex may sometimes be different.
Generally speaking, the girl shouldn't have to voice a "no", the guy should get the hint anyway (assuming such has been provived).
If it was non consensual sex, it's possible the girl wasn't comfortable about the idea or had any wish to engage in such activities, but went through with it for 2 possible reasons:
A) She was afraid to say no (due to past incidents)

or

B) She was under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs and as such
is in no state to give consent to anything,in legal terms.

----------------------

However, I have a hard time seeing this as a rape.
Not all incidents is violent by nature, but even then the victim feel distress/numbness.
The victim, even if not voicing his/her protests, would most likely shake/shiver or look/appear frightened.

You say that the girl was "encouraging" when you got home, but you didn't notice any signs that a sexual approach was unwanted, didn't put up a struggle nor said no.

A survivor may experience loss of body control while it happens, but will make some form of protests
unless being subjected to verbal and/or physical threats.


I don't know whether this will help you come to terms with your past actions,
but I hope it will offer you a new perspective.

// TachiShi

I am now admittedly confused. I certainly did not see it as 'rape'. I made need some clarification (I direct this only to guiltridden). Oh! I just realized that I mistakenly came off as if I am wanting more details. I am sorry, guiltridden! I don't need more...