crippling guilt from realising I raped someone (TW)

I agree with TachiShi that the OP's post does not necessarily imply rape (although if an individual self-identifies as having been raped, it certainly seems highly likely they were, since false allegations are so rare and so little is to be gained from them) but for some of the other people who replied earlier, I think this quote on rape / sexual assault is apposite:

I have long thought back on those early days of my sexual life and wondered how many boys and men I’ve known who raped. These would be guys I cared about, broke bread with, and who were like brothers to me. Nice people, well-mannered, but also raised by a culture that tells them they aren’t men if they don’t behave certain ways, to ignore silly girls who are fickle and need to be told what they want in one way or another. They wouldn’t know they’d raped someone until accused, and even then they might respond... by citing their credibility and feigning complete ignorance of consent. That’s rape culture when men can be so totally unaware that the person they’re laying with doesn’t want them there and they don’t have to care.

...

To top all of that off there’s the vast gray zone between being labeled a rapist and not being a rapist. The stigma of the word makes it really hard for young men to own up to non-consensual sex. Rape sounds like such a violent word, and when men reflect on events and note the stark absence of violence, they may admit it was non-consensual, but they will not call it a rape. Even though those things are equivalent. Men who don’t take their victims by violence or overt coercion struggle to identify the event as an act of rape. For them, rapist means something else, something that’s clearly wrong, something that’s obvious. For them, rape can’t simply be having sex with someone who isn’t struggling against you, sex with someone who just lays there without participating, sex with someone who hasn’t shown interest, but who appears to allow it to happen. I think most of the time, these are what typical rapes look like.

The question is one of identifying the rapists - studies like Lisak & Miller (2002) and McWhorter (2009) identified, respectively 6% and 13% of the male population as rapists - however, alarmingly, questions were only focused upon rape via physical force or threat, or rape in which the victim was intoxicated to the point of black-out. This ignored rape in which the victim simply does not grant affirmative consent and the perpetrator does whatever the ###$ they want anyway, or rape due to the fact that the victim is underage - I suspect that these comprise the majority of rape cases i.e. the vast majority of men will stop when they hear a 'no' and wouldn't use physical force or violence, but a sizeable number are scummy enough to exploit an awkward 'I'm not really sure' or convince themselves that "sex" with anyone underage (a child under 18) can be anything other than rape.

Personally, the above considered, I think the percentage of rapists in the male population is probably close to 25% than, say, 6 or 13% - especially considering that many rapes are completed with fingers and do not involved intercourse.

As written about before, I am a rapist (my victim, who was my girlfriend, was a 16-year-old child, so was unable to consent to anything sexual, even if she believed herself able to at the time. Furthermore, in the worst incident of abuse, I pressured her when she had said she was not in the mood that night - not "merely" statutory rape - although frankly statutory rape is just as hideous and unforgivable as any other form of rape).

With overpopulation as it is, I am leaning more and more towards the idea that rapists have forfeited the right to life... though I would make a serious exception for those who commit abuse as child (before 18) since they cannot really be held responsible for their actions to anywhere near the same degree as adults - I think this is a really important fact of law and I hate it when kids are charged in court as though they were adults.

I'm very aware that killing myself would, sadly, hurt others. I have a lot of beautiful and wonderful people in my life. However, two quotes makes a lot of sense to me:

“If I ever did anything as awful as rape someone, I’d want everyone to never speak to me again. If you let me be that horrible to someone, and you’re fine with it, you’re not a real friend.”

http://teneightymagazine.com/2014/04/20/abuse-scandals/

And:

“Either he couldn't be made well--- in which case he was better dead for his own sake and for the safety of others---or he could be treated and made sane. In which case (it seemed to me) if he ever became sane enough for civilized society . . . and thought over what he had done while he was "sick"---what could be left for him but suicide? How could he Live with himself?”

http://themacavity.com/stch8web.txt

sprock wrote:I agree with TachiShi that the OP's post does not necessarily imply rape (although if an individual self-identifies as having been raped, it certainly seems highly likely they were, since false allegations are so rare and so little is to be gained from them)

True, and just to clarify, in case I wasn't voicing my thoughts as good as I thought;

I don't know what the girl was thinking/feeling, so I can't say "Yes it was rape!" or "No, it wasn't!".
I'm not a mind reader, so how could I?
By no means do I want to belittle someone else's feelings/experiences.
With my own experiences, that would be hypocritical. And I despise hypocrisy down to my core.

But, yes, I agree that false allegations are rare, but I want also to point out that as rare as it may be, it DOES happen.
Whether it happened in this case though, I cannot say. Nor do I have any right to.

elfie24 wrote:If that is what constitutes rape, then I would have been 'raped' by nearly every man Ive ever slept with. I know there is a grey area but come on, society is so obsessed with this kind of stuff. How many times has a girl played hard to get, or said no in a teasing way, and the guy simply tries harder to persuade them? Ex boyfriends have often wanted to have sex when I didn't want to, I say no I couldnt be bothered and they start feeling you up and saying aww please until you just give in to shut them up. Calling yourself a rapist (with connotations of a violent offender who forces himself on someone) is not helping anybody. Sounds like you were just being a bit of a horny man at times. Im not saying it's right, but for instance...every time I go out to a club, men slap my butt, sometimes grope, try very hard for me to have sex or even grab me. If I reported every single one of them for sexual assault there would be no men left to carry on the species. There is a line, and it is a grey area. When someone says no that should be respected, and it often isn't. But let's not join the crowds of people screaming rape at every given opportunity and making things harder for actual victims.

Oh my... there's a difference between implying consent through silence-and enthusiastically indicating support. I promise you this. I'm female and I will say- Yes, there have been times in bed that I was *pressured* so hard I said yes- because the implications if I didn't do so were obviously negative and denigrating. I was pressured into it... doesn't mean I consented.

I get that sometimes it's a fun game- oooh entice me- but there's a difference between that and being worried what will happen if you say no. Pressure is pressure is pressure- and it can produce a non-authentic response because at that point you can't get out, so you just deal and make it the best you can.


And to the OP: I respect you so much for admitting to your past. To me what this means is that you are wanting to be better. And that's what is important

Hi everyone,

Thank you very much for sharing your great thoughts and incredible stories on here!!! It is greatly appreciated!!! That takes a lot of courage and I'm very proud of y'all!!! I am not proud at all of this, but I too am I rapist. In my opinion, and I'm sure you'd all agree, what I did was worse. The people I violated were my very own cousins. The two incidences didn't happen too long apart from each other. They came over for a few days and there weren't enough beds for everyone to have a bed to themself, so I shared a bed with my cousin. She was asleep. I don't know what evil I swallowed for dinner that night, but I touched her in certain places and did some other really horrible, graphic things. The other cousin was practically the same scenario, except it was a different visit and I don't think I did as much graphic things. We had a sleepover, we shared the same bed, due to the amount of people compared to the amount of beds, and I then did some touching and a few things similar to the first incident. Talking about this is absolutely killing me. Thankfully neither one of them woke up because of my abominations, and neither knows about it. I don't intend on possibly ruining their lives too over a stupid, immature mistake. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. I think I was 13 years old at the time. I believe some of the lack of self-control had to do with spending a lot of my time masterbating in my youth. So please don't masturbate!!! It's been years since the incidents but feels like there almost hasn't been a day that I didn't truly hate myself for what I did. I don't like using "I" in this for I am a born-again. It has gotten in between a childhood dream of mine and maybe ruined my teenage years. The only person I told in-person about this was a priest in confession. That helped, which is one thing I would prefer to people suffering in the same situation. I basically wanted to share my story, get it off my chest, help anyone who is in a similar situation, educate people, let people know that no rapist is a "monster" by any means, just a child of God who was tempted by Devil and picked the apple from the tree in the center of the Garden of Eden, and give whatever good that could possibly come out of this. Now obviously this world is no "Garden of Eden" but I find it a good reference. It's best to look at these things as a learning experience so you may help others and avoid making the same mistakes again. Please live and learn, love, and respect every soul in the best way possible!!! Thank you all for taking the time to listen to my story, may the force (of God) be with you, and God bless!!! Also, if anyone has any questions, don't be afraid to ask. Thanks again and peace be with you!!!

I think taking responsibility is important. You say that you don't like using "I" when writing about this. Being born again is irrelevant though. You did do this. I'm not saying you should be miserable with guilt for the rest of your life. But it IS a part of your history. It wasn't someone else who did it. It wasn't a dream. It should be acknowledged as such.

Also, you can't be sure they were asleep. It's very common for people to freeze when being sexually abused. To pretend to be asleep in case things turn violent. Again, this is just my opinion. But I wonder about being honest with them. And whether you're more concerned with ruining your life than with theirs.

Finally, I don't think that masturbating is a bad thing. It can be a healthy outlet for sexuality. And is a million times better than touching a non consenting person. Certainly it can bring its own problems. And become a compulsion or addiction. But I don't think it contributes directly to abuse.

Hi, thanks for the opinion. I have been taking responsibility for years now. I hear and understand what you're saying but I say I don't like using "I" in this case because I try really hard to move on, and it just makes things harder to dwell in it instead of pushing yourself to move on. It isn't irrelevant that I'm a born-again because I've learned from my mistakes and am trying to move forward. They never mentioned anything about it and I'd like to think they would. Trust me, it wouldn't end well for anybody by mentioning this. I just... I don't know what to do anymore.

-- Tue May 05, 2015 11:29 pm --

Thank you very much for your reply, I really appreciate it, and you've really helped!!! I believe I understand where u r coming from and what u r saying. Also, what is that trigger warning/thing mean again? I saw it and was curious. Anyways, I wish the best for u in the future and will try to live with your advice/reasoning moving forward!!! Thanks and God Bless!!!

Consider the didactic of a children's cartoon: the good people are lovely and the bad ugly. How simple it makes the world work.

Your post shows this is a lie. You've committed a crime that qualifies you as a rapist, which conflicts with your own principles. Perhaps you feel as if you can not trust yourself and are tainted. You want to “make it right,” but really, you just want to feel like you know yourself again. These dichotomies can't coexist after all--either you are full of light or darkness.

I think the guilt that is driving you will ease when you realize that you are not a bad man. You deserve help as much as any rape victim--you unknowingly victimized yourself, did you not? If there is shame to be had let it fall on society, who claims to uphold the truth but harbors its own childish agenda.

cntbelivit wrote:I think the guilt that is driving you will ease when you realize that you are not a bad man. You deserve help as much as any rape victim--you unknowingly victimized yourself, did you not? If there is shame to be had let it fall on society, who claims to uphold the truth but harbors its own childish agenda.

I agree with the latter part of your message here... but I don't think it is quite right to say that the poster 'deserves help as much as any rape victim'.

Or rather, it is important for perpetrators to receive help and I'm very much of the opinion that society has an obligation to everyone. Criminals after all are still human and a prison exists within the bounds of society... I'm very wary of any argument that says that such-and-such actions make someone a 'monster' or 'sub-human' because I think that signals defeat in the face of the potential for change and progress.

That said I don't think it's true that anyone is just 'good' or 'evil' and I believe that Ada is right in saying that not using 'I' to address one's own actions is rather dangerous and evading responsibility.

Ruined_by_guilt, I think you have to accept that 'you' did these things... while also allowing yourself the grace to know that you were a child when you committed these acts. At a fundamental, physical level your brain is a different brain to what it was when you were 13 ... but you are still in continuation with that child. I think you can allow yourself to say that you did these things, while also honoring the fact that you have changed and don't deserve to feel bad forever.

Finally, masturbation in itself is perfectly moral and fine. It doesn't impact anyone else. The only time where it can be 'bad' is if the individual is masturbating over abusive or illegal images, such as those involving bestiality, child abuse pornography, or videos of rape. However, it is perfectly fine to masturbate and there are lots of far less harmful images that don't necessarily involve exploitation.

sprock wrote:Or rather, it is important for perpetrators to receive help and I'm very much of the opinion that society has an obligation to everyone. Criminals after all are still human and a prison exists within the bounds of society... I'm very wary of any argument that says that such-and-such actions make someone a 'monster' or 'sub-human' because I think that signals defeat in the face of the potential for change and progress.

Yes, I agree.

sprock wrote:That said I don't think it's true that anyone is just 'good' or 'evil' and I believe that Ada is right in saying that not using 'I' to address one's own actions is rather dangerous and evading responsibility.

My mistake. I was using "bad" as shorthand here, as in OP's actions are not routinely criminal. Even if they were, he deserves help as much as anyone else (and perhaps this is where we differ?) Personal responsibility is of course important, but I myself am uncomfortable when it's brought to the forefront without careful prompt. It's a heavy-handed phrase, I think, and can easily become a platitude, a source of shame/annoyance instead of what it should be.

sprock, wherever u got that second quote is ###$ up. They should shut the ###$ up because they're probably hypercrits who have done something worse!!! Btw, masturbating does contribute, relate, and/or whatever I said before about it!!! Also, u made it sound like u want to to be miserable. Not offended or anything like that. Just saying. Thanks, God bless!!!