I'm a sexual abuser

When I was around 13-14 I remember going on a car trip with our family. I was lying in the back of the car with my younger cousin. She was 10-11 years old. We had been driving for hours and I suggested us to lie in the back of car instead of sitting. We had a blanket we covered us in and we cuddled into each other.

When I was cuddling with my cousin I let my hand get closer and closer to her underwear before I slipped it in. She didn't react to it and at that time she opened her legs a bit and we were cuddling like that and we talked about it and she said it was ok and we experimented like that.

Things like this happened a few times and lasted for a year. I licked her once, most of the things happened hidden under blankets with other adult family-members present (they didn't know anything about it).

Now I of course regret it. I hate myself for it. I'm a monster and an abuser. Now I know about the consequences and the harm I might have brought upon her. But at that time I didn't. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I felt guilty afterwards, but I didn't know it had the power to harm her. We used to be really close and she was one of my best friends, but after the incident it stopped. I couldn't talk to her any longer or speak to her without feeling sick about myself and what I did.

One time we were naked in the bathroom her mom knocked loudly on the door and we got dressed fast. I said we were playing a game but after that she wasn't allowed to be with me alone and if we were in a car her mom would always sit between us. I think her mom hated me and although she has started to be nice to me again I still think she looks upon me as a pervert and a monster.

I'm now 21 and my cousin is 16-17. I hate myself for what I did. I really do, it's against everything I stand for. In the "best version" of this I evoke her sexual curiosity in a way that's not natural, but in the least pleasant version I abused her and caused her harm and problems she will deal with for
the rest of her life.

She's still very nice to me, but everytime I see her I think of what I did and feel shame and guilt - How could I commit such crimes to someone? I'm a monster and I know it. She don't seem to hold anything against me, but I know this can be hunting her and that she's struggling in the silent or that she will remember it later, but I hope she doesn't. She still talks to me every now and then and sometimes we joke around and have fun.

Another thing is that my older cousin (who's now 28) once showed me his erection.. At the time I was a little kid and around 5-6 years old. I remember him talking about sex and erections. I have always been an overly sexual person and I wanted to touch him and see it, but he said no. I remember looking at my older cousin as the coolest guy in the world. I wanted to do anything he did. Maybe this had something to with what I did to my younger cousin? Although I remember what my older cousin did I don't look upon it as a bad thing and I don't remember it when I see him, but at the same time he didn't abuse me or do anything "wrong" a part from talking about sex and showing me his bulge.

Another thing I want to say it that I've always been very sexual. In primary school and kindergarden I would sometimes play sexual games. And I wasn't aware that I was abusing her at the time, it's as time went on that I understood how wrong my actions were and that what I did was abusive. I don't think it had anything to do with me being a boy or anything to do with me wanting to be dominant or express power. Sometimes I still cry when I think about it and I hate it what I did, and I hate myself for doing it. I just want her to be ok and not be scarred..

I'm sorry for everything I've done, I'm sorry for all of you struggling with having a monster like me come to you.

Oh sweetheart. I think it's very important that you feel remorse and very courageous of you for sharing your story. I hope none of that has affected her, at least that would be some piece of mind, correct? If you want someone to talk with, send me a pm. Okay? Do it. Hope you are feeling better after sharing this with us.

Thank you so much for your answering Simontheo! I wouldn't say it's very courageous as I'm still anonymous, but it does feel good to finally let it out..

I sent you a pm

I don't see how your a monster, if you forced your cousin yes, but you say she consented. Also you were like 2yrs older than her and going through puberty at the time, and she apparently enjoyed it (whether as a sexually pleasurable thing or simply as experimentation) and doesn't seem to of been badly effected by it.

Unfortunately as you seem to be very upset by this, I think you can either spend many wasted hours feeling guilty, or go to a therapist or discuss it with your cousin. I'd go with the last option, and give subtle hints to see if she picks up on what I was trying to bring up.

She'll either ease your conscience or make you feel worse, whatever the outcome you'll have released something thats obviously causing you harm.

Dazz wrote:I don't see how your a monster, if you forced your cousin yes, but you say she consented. Also you were like 2yrs older than her and going through puberty at the time, and she apparently enjoyed it (whether as a sexually pleasurable thing or simply as experimentation) and doesn't seem to of been badly effected by it.

Unfortunately as you seem to be very upset by this, I think you can either spend many wasted hours feeling guilty, or go to a therapist or discuss it with your cousin. I'd go with the last option, and give subtle hints to see if she picks up on what I was trying to bring up.

She'll either ease your conscience or make you feel worse, whatever the outcome you'll have released something thats obviously causing you harm.

This seems to make sense, it could also ease her mind...

The age gap between us is 4-5 years.. I'm 21 now and she's 16-17. I see I've made the age-gap appear smaller in the text. I was probably a few years older, around 14-15..

If we had been around the same age it wouldn't have been a problem, but as I was so much older than her and I was the one wanting it and asking for it at the time I'm afraid she might see it as an abuse. And she wouldn't be wrong if she did. Because even if she let me do it I don't think she understood what was going on, while I did.

Thank you for your help. I don't feel like I need to visit a therapist..I no longer think about it every day, but I wonder about it every now and then and when I do I feel bad for what I did.

I'm not sure if bringing it up will be the best thing.. maybe if she stops talking to me I'll ask her and come clean, but until that happen I won't bring it up.

But thank you so much - both of you

emmelig wrote:The age gap between us is 4-5 years.. I'm 21 now and she's 16-17. I see I've made the age-gap appear smaller in the text. I was probably a few years older, around 14-15..

If we had been around the same age it wouldn't have been a problem, but as I was so much older than her and I was the one wanting it and asking for it at the time I'm afraid she might see it as an abuse. And she wouldn't be wrong if she did. Because even if she let me do it I don't think she understood what was going on, while I did.

Thank you for your help. I don't feel like I need to visit a therapist..I no longer think about it every day, but I wonder about it every now and then and when I do I feel bad for what I did.

I'm not sure if bringing it up will be the best thing.. maybe if she stops talking to me I'll ask her and come clean, but until that happen I won't bring it up.

But thank you so much - both of you

That's the thing with Kids, they can't actually consent. Even if they say yes, they still don't know what's going on. Maybe it's best to not obsess over it and not bring it up with her, unless she says something or stops talking to you.

We are here to help!

I know they can't, but I wonder if I knew it? Was I just playing a game or did I know what I was doing? I was certainly old enough and the things we did was of a character which can't really be described as play.. Idk, I just wonder if she ever thinks about it and how it makes her feel.

But thank you so much (:.

Hi emmelig. You said this:

I hate myself for what I did. I really do, it's against everything I stand for.

That's good to read. It's against everything you currently stand for (present tense). I'm only concerned about the present you, because it's the only you that actually exists.

So it sounds like you're talking about two different people. The present "you" is disgusted with something a past "you" did, in the same way the present you would be disgusted if you saw a 13-14 year old kid do it now.

The only difference is you have memories of this particular 13-14 year old moving around inside your head. But memories are just thoughts. Thoughts don't have any power over who you are in this moment. You could think about children being slaughtered in Iraq. Does that make you feel guilty? If the answer is "no because I didn't do it", well then what's the difference? The present you didn't (and wouldn't by your own admission) do what the 13-14 year old you did.

This is a very radical concept, but the more you dissect the detail of who you are now vs who you were then, it is no different than if you talk about two different people.

Another way of looking at it...

Are you able to quantify how much of your 13-14 year old self you are carrying within your present self? And I don't mean memories, I mean actual personality traits - desires, opinions, values etc.

The answer is of course you can't quantify it. At best we can see that we evolve and grow as people. But what we leave behind, yet retain as memories, probably has more in common with another person than the present you!

The 13-14 year old you does not exist.

So right now you have a clear case of double-think.

One of your thoughts is telling you "what I did when I was 13-14 defines who I am now".

Yet your other thought is telling you "what I did when I was 13-14 is not who I am now".

Now, whether one thought is more valid than the other is not actually the issue. The issue is that you innocently believe that you are defined by your thoughts about your self, whatever those thoughts may be.

But your self is changing constantly. It is malleable to external and internal conditioning. You will never be able to keep up with it or understand every part of it. Yet you continue defining yourself based on thoughts that simply arise in your mind. This is the cause of your suffering.

Dis-identify with these thoughts about past self in the same way you wouldn't let a thought about someone else embody you, and you will stop judging your present self, punishing yourself, stunting your growth by chaining yourself to a past image of your self.

You are a different person now. This is your opportunity to reaffirm your purpose in life. Ask yourself "what would I do if I were here, right now?"

Simontheo wrote:That's the thing with Kids, they can't actually consent. Even if they say yes, they still don't know what's going on. Maybe it's best to not obsess over it and not bring it up with her, unless she says something or stops talking to you.

We are here to help!

Technically *some* children can consent to sexual activity, depending on location - such as 16 and 17-year-olds here in Britain and parts of Europe and America. Hopefully the age of consent will be universally raised to 18 sometime in the future though because currently while what you say is morally true, is isn't currently legally true across-the-board.

-- Thu Sep 25, 2014 1:25 pm --

As for the OP, I'm not sure what advice to give regarding whether it is best to bring the issue up with your cousin... I refuse your claim that you're a monster though, as human beings are all just human beings and, furthermore, you are clearly possessed of conscience and remorse. While I also understand your feeling remorseful, it is important to remember that you were a child yourself and, as such, it is not fair to judge yourself as harshly as you would an adult guilty of the same behaviour