I am 19 and I lost my virginity to a backpage escort.

Six days ago I lost my virginity to a prostitute I found on backpage. I paid $140 for a half hour session. I told my parents I was going to a friends house. The session ended in 14 minutes and her apartment was in a #######5 area with a lot of sketchy people and it lacked any furniture.

Needless to say these past couple of days after seeing the prostitute has been terrible for me. I have been feeling depressed, anxiety, guilt, shame and remorse. I feel really #######5 right now and I just want to forget about all of this. I wish I could go back in time and redo all of this.

My thoughts keep alternating over the fact that I might have gotten stds from her, and I have done countless research online (I wore a condom) just to make sure that I was not at risk of anything. I also do not notice any skin lesions or symptoms so I know that I do not have any stds, but for some reason my mind keeps having these irrational thoughts that for some hypothetical chance I might have gotten stds or hiv.

I also keep on thinking how pathetic I must be to have lost my virginity to a prostitute. I don't know why I did it. I was feeling horny and I was looking at the backpage section and out of an impulse I decided to do it. I don't consider myself to be unattractive, I am currently home from college on break and I can chit chat with others without issues - although I am little awkward.

I just want to forget about this, but this #######5 feeling of anxiety, sadness, guilt and shame is eating inside of me and I have been feeling very detached and feeling brain fog lately. On top of this, I feel that I am have an existential crises. I have been reflecting on my memories of my family and childhood and it has just made me feel even more regret. As if I betrayed myself and I have became a pathetic person to do such a thing. My sleep has been #######5, but it has gotten better today and yesterday but every time I wake up I feel this anxiety and shame. I know it has only been 6 days but will this feeling ever get past me? Has anyone else been in a similar situation as I? It is strange because I have been googling scenarios similar to mind and some people seem to not be effected by it and others seem to be deeply effected.

I am sorry for the long post (which I'm sure has many errors/is not coherent sentence wise), it might even seem pathetic.

Your post was as long as it needed to be. And wasn't pathetic. I'm sorry you're feeling so many negative emotions from this. It seems like the anxiety is looking for something to latch onto. So it's picking on STDs. Even though you used a condom. And therefore your chances of catching anything were lower than your chances of a transport accident on the way back from seeing her.

Everyone has a different background. And so it does make sense that the effects will be equally different. There isn't a "normal" response to have. I think it's sad that this milestone is causing so much stress for you though. Virginity is an extremely arbitrary concept. Many cultures make an incredible fuss about it. And really it's not that helpful to treat it like that. It just causes people stress.

You're not pathetic to have visited a sex worker to lose your virginity. In a way it's a practical decision. To go with someone who knows what they're doing. And who's focusing on your enjoyment. Many people have a very stressful first time because they're afraid of not pleasing their partner, of cumming too soon, of not getting erect in the first place and so on. You skipped most of that. It's not a bad thing.

As I see it. This doesn't need to reflect in any bad way on your family, your upbringing or your future. It's something you chose to do. Now you might never visit another sex worker. Or this might be something you're comfortable with doing again in future. For whatever reasons either way. That's your choice too.

All just my thoughts. I'm no expert or professional or anything.