Past guilt

Hey, so I've delt with this guilt pretty much half my life, I used to play around with my sister who is 2 and a half years younger than I am between the ages of 12-15. Nothing overtly sexual just light games that would require touching over the clothes and what not.

Pretty much I run my life by the anxiety of these events to the point of severe lonleyness. I've never had a girlfriend, I don't even have a best friend, and I live everyday wondering if she will remember what happend and go to a therapist and pretty much paint me as a monster.

Also because I've never had a girlfriend I question myself all the time that maybe I'm a pedophile and that's why I've never really had a girlfriend, and that's also why I did those things to my sister.... Its so confusing and scary, and quit frankly I don't think I'm too far off by being a bit concerned that one day she will see me as a monster since that has happens to some of the people on this forum.

By the way I'm 22, a virgin, and live in constant fear of being a pedophile/abuser

I really just want a normal life, I hate when people say they want to be weird and different because if they only knew what weird and different really was they would be very happy to be normal.

-- Mon Jul 07, 2014 10:46 pm --

I should also add that I have brought this up to my parents and sister multiple times including multiple therapists and they all say I'm fine, its OK.... But I do t k ow sometimes..... Why havnt I pursued a relationship, because of the anxiety or something more?

It sound like all this is really stressing you out. Obviously I dont know the details between you and your sister (and I dont need to) but what I would say is the a lot of childhood and also teen behavour is to do with experimenting rather than abusing.

Having all these thoughts as to whether you are a paedophile sounds very difficult for you. With the input from therapists etc did they ever mention obsessive behaviour and thinking to you? I can't diagnose you as this is a peer support site but it might be worth talking about this to them if you keep on struggling with all of this.

In terms of why you have not pursued a relationship there are lots of potential reasons for that, a big one being poor self esteem.

Take good care and mention obsessive thinking/behaviour to a dr or therapist and ask them about it wrt your situation.

Cracked

This definitely sounds more a problem with obsessive thought patterns than the event itself. There's some paranoia about becoming a serial abuser. This is not something that "just happens" without you realising. You would know by now if you were attracted to children. You would be fantasising about it and thinking about it when you masturbate, for example.

There are a lot of people on this forum who react disproportionately to their deed. Remorse on its own isn't about destroying your life over what you did. Quite the opposite. It's supposed to (eventually) give you a humble clarity of perspective and purpose. If it's not doing that after so many years, then you know there's something else at play here.

TBH, your therapist should be able to spot these destructive patterns and advise or refer you appropriately.

Thanks for the reply's, its just too weird, why would I ever do that? I must be deranged in some way, not everyone does stuff like that, I was too old, I should have been at least dating people of appropriate age, at least socializing. And why is it that I should just move on when in fact if people knew about it they would probably go out of their way to make sure I didn't live a decent existence. I just don't understand.... By the way this wasn't a one time thing, more than once, low impulse control obviously.... I don't think people understand the dynamics behind it, there is obviously more at play, Ive never been well adjusted and because of that I acted out sexually with my sister, younger sister at that. I can't even masturbate with out these memories just flooding my mind, not a recent thing too but always, that's why its confusing.... I have masturbated to my sister in recent years, her as she is now not as a child, I don't know why... It disgusts me.... I would feel so guilty if I made a sexual advance twords a woman, why do i deserve to act out sexually with someone when I was clearly so weird... How could I possibly be with someone and not tell them about this, it runs my life...

People have different views on this, but I think it's ok not to reveal your past to someone as long as you know that you are a "new person" and the person (or part of you) who did those things in the past is "dead". The logic behind it is that you wouldn't tell someone about what someone else did as if it were you, in the present. So why would you tell someone about things your "past self" did when you are your "present self"?

As time goes on, we can become somewhat distanced from our past (ego) self, so it can feel as though we're looking back at a different person. Remorse aids this process whereas shame hinders it. Do not get caught up in shame. Focus more on the lessons life teaches you than on how "bad" a person you think you are. Nothing we do can define us entirely as people, because who we think we are (ego) is just different parts of the brain doing their thing (or not enough of it!). Ask yourself what's underneath all that which is constant, still and never changes? It isn't concerned with personality, good or bad, past or future, "what people think of me". It just is, and all these constructs your mind builds on it are just illusions. Illusions of "who I am" that you can dissolve at any moment.

You say you're still having thoughts about your sister. But there's the added complication of showing signs of OCD and paranoia. I would like to say time alone will heal all this, but if there are psychological issues underneath it all then you might not be able to move on until you get those under control. Talk to your therapist.

its just so frustrating to know the only "sexual" experiences I've ever had with someone else was when i was a kid with my sister, it really does a number on my self esteem, some days are easier than others, the days when i can use my logic to come the conclusion that its all pretty much in my head, but then i have the days where i doubt weather or not i would ever want to do those things again.... its especially hard while trying to pleasure myself, i don't have a proper sexual experience as a point of reference so all of my fantasy are purely fantasy based, so i get confused on whether i would actually like to be with a woman for real, in my eyes its a major sexual identity crisis. some times i even wonder if i could be gay, but you see if i was gay that wouldn't be so bad, but if I'm a pedophile it would be the end of my world, especially since i already consider my self an abuser. so i don't know.... i know this all sounds very OCD like but for real, my sexuality has never been "normal" I've always been attracted to girls my age but I've never been comftorble getting intimate with someone, but for some reason i played around with my sister? something dosnt add up.... could i possibly be suppressing any pedophilia?