What have I done...

Hi all,
This is my first post, please be gentle.
I am in a dark numb place right now.

Long story short, recently my cousin started visiting a psychiatrist about sexual stuff that happened when we were kids. (me 10-13, her 8-11)
The events happened at a time when I was having serious mental health issues with depression, on medication, between families etc.
I am now 26, not a word has been spoken about this for over a decade until now. We were obviously both too ashamed and scared to bring it to light.
I too have started visiting a psychologist, my parents are both supportive of me and want to see me receive help.
Although a relative has told me, 'you would have been old enough to know right from wrong.'
Of course I knew right from wrong but at that age I had absolutely no idea of the devastating impact this could have on the rest of my life. If I could go back and do things over, I absolutely would.

I am so deeply ashamed of this it makes me want to end my life, I am not that same person/child I once was. I hate who I was then and I truly hate myself as a person.
Most days I think of suicide, I am so filled with regret, shame and guilt.
I live an otherwise happy life with my fiance, soon to be married, I know that I am smart, compassionate, and very hard working.
I love children, I can't wait to be the best father I possibly can. My own father refuses to speak to me anymore for unrelated reasons.

Is there anybody out there with a similar experience who might have been the 'abuser' who can assure me that there is life after this misery?
Is there a way out?
Please help, even just to tell me i'm not a bad person, that's all I want to hear.

Thanks in advance.

you know.. I don't like you using the word abuser for that child that you once were.. I understand why you are using the word but i'd just like to say that i don't think you fit into that category xx

I don't think you're bad or horrible.. i don't think that a 10 year old child messing around with an 8 year old child is out of the ''normal'' range of childhood behaviours at all..

The legal definition of knowing the difference between right and wrong is meant to be applied to behaviours such as stealing or hitting.. a ten year old is (usually) perfectly capable of stopping themselves from stealing but at that age, they cannot consent to sexual activity for good reason.. this is still the age where children run around saying ''bum'' and ''poo head'' because they're obsessed with ther bodies..

Now; bearing in mind that at 10 and 8, both children are still in primary school and the age gap is only two years, = there is no doubt in my mind that you are carrying guilt that i'd really like you to put down now xx


A question for you.. when you have children in the future and if one of them were to play with another child in the way that you did.. would you gently explain why those behaviours aren't acceptable or would you hold them accountable in the same way as you would an adult..?
.. just stand outside of things a bit and consider what you'd tell a child of the same age..

Hi

I am going to move this to the Remorse Forum and leave a shadow here so ppl from both forums can answer.

I wanted to say that I really really dont think you are a bad person. You were a child and there was not a big age gap between you. This sounds to me like innocent childhood experimentation- which a lot of ppl do as kids

Please be gentle with yourself and dont beat yourself up - you are not a bad person, honestly.

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you for your time and responses, I appreciate it.

This is a similar thing to what my own psychologist has told me, but it's much easier to hear than truly accept.

Thank you again.
XO

Magnolia87 wrote:Thank you for your time and responses, I appreciate it.

This is a similar thing to what my own psychologist has told me, but it's much easier to hear than truly accept.

Thank you again.
XO

I can def understand that truly accepting what ppl are saying is difficult but please keep working on this as it is important.

Take good care

Cracked