I don't know what else to do

Hello. And I appreciate you taking your time to read this if you do. It will be fairly long, and I apologize for that. I haven't ever told anyone about this, spare a counselor on a hotline once. And I didn't even tell her the full story.

*This could be a trigger for some people, I'm sure. I don't want to hurt anyone else so please be aware.*

I have been feeling an emense amount of guilt and remorse for awful, terrible things that I did in my childhood/adolescence. I am a teenager and these things started when I was fairly young (5/6) and ended when I was 11 maybe 12. Even though I already despise myself, I don't want to believe I was mentally capable of doing such things at 12. Horrible, I know. I do take full responsibility for my actions. It's no one's fault but my own. I used to try to find excuses as to why I would do these things. Things that would make me feel better and be able to function as a person. Things like "you were young, your brain can think things through at a more moral level now". But I realized recently that I don't deserve to be happy in any way or function as a person. I'm not even a person. I don't deserve excuses. I know that I completely deserve every amount of pain, depression, guilt, and remorse I feel. I will not get into extreme detail, but I'm going to list out everything I've done in hopes to just get it off of my chest. I understand if you think of me as a sick, disgusting, terrible horrible sub-human after these, because I think of myself like that too.

Around this time last year, memories started to flood my mind with these terrible things I'd done. At first it was so painful I couldn't believe it. I'd always taken inner pride in still being innocent at 14/15. The more I remembered, the more I realized that, no, I wasn't innocent. I had stripped innocence of other children.

When I was five, and my cousin was four, I remember being at a house. The only thing I remember is taking him behind a curtain, taking out his pacifier, and kissing him.

I remember once when I was around six, I was at my mom's friends house. Me and her son, who was around three, were just playing with his toys in his room. It was a very simple and innocent game of "pirates" or something like that. Somewhere along the line, I decided to lie him down and kiss him for a few seconds. I was attempting to "make out" with this poor child. He started to wiggle around and I stopped. That's where the memory stops.

Another time, when I was around 7, I was on my way to my friends house. I was in the back of my friends van, and her sister, who was around three/four, was napping next to me in her car seat. All of a sudden, I wanted to reach into her diaper and touch her. I remember the next time I went over to her house, I felt like kissing her, but I never did. I never inappropriately thought about or did anything to her after that. That obviously doesn't excuse what I already did and can't undo.

My brother and I used to play together a lot since we're the closest in age out of my siblings. We're about 3 1/2 years apart in age. When I was 8/9 and he was 4/5, I vaguely remember us kissing in a "game". A few months later I'm assuming, we started to play what we called the "boat game". At first it was purely child's play. Somewhere along the line, we started to dry hump and fondle each other. I won't go into detail. It happened a few times. There wasn't any penetration or coercion or forcing of any kind. I can't stress enough that that doesn't excuse what I've done, our age difference was more than three years. I feel disgusting about it. Even worse, after the boat game ended, there were two times after that. They were both in my room. The last time I remember telling him that he shouldn't tell anyone because then we couldn't do it anymore. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I don't know what possessed me to say something like that. It's utterly awful. He ended up telling both of his cousins, one was his age and the other is two years older than him, that we actually "had sex". Our sibling relationship was not so good after that. I was mad at him a lot of times and everything he did annoyed me, but I never connected that anger with what we did. One day I realized that, and knew that I was portraying my anger and guilt onto him. I've since apologized for being so angry and mean to him, and he apologized for being rude at times too. We get along just fine now, but I can't help but think I completely damaged him. I want him to be able to live a normal, happy life, but I feel like I ruined that chance. I told him that I will try to be the best I can to him, and if I ever do/ever done anything to him, that he could tell me and I wouldn't be upset with him. The forgiveness has helped to alleviate some of the guilt, but I know what I have done is already set in stone and I cannot change what I have already done. I want to ask him about it to see if he has negative feelings toward it, but I don't want to bring it up for my own personal benefit. I don't want to remind him of something that he might have forgotten. At the same time, I still don't know what I should do.

It probably doesn't seem like I could get any more disgusting, but I do. There were three times after that with three of my other brothers. They happened from when I was 11 to 12 from what I have tried to gather.

Once me another brother of mine were just laying on my floor. I was 11 and he was 4 or 5. He asked me if I could give him the "chills" and I said sure. I was giving him the chills on his back, but then he flipped over and wanted me to rub his stomach instead. After a few minutes I started to touch him through his clothes. I asked him if it felt good. This lasted for a few seconds before I just stopped.

Another time my other brother, who was 2 at the time, and I were playing on my bed. My mother was vacuuming and he was afraid of it, so I let him on my bed. We were pretending there were monsters, and I was attempting to scare him with monster voices. I then started to hump him. As I was doing so, I told him to make sounds, and say "yeah" and other things. It lasted a few seconds too, but that doesn't excuse anything. It should have never even happened. It disturbs me the most. He was such a small child. He had no idea what was going on and I took advantage of that and abused him. I can't even look at him without thinking about how horribly I treated him. I worry that I psychologically damaged him, because he almost always has his hands in his pants now.

The last time anything ever happened was when I was around 12. My family is split, and this time I abused my brother while at one of my visits at my dads. He was around 2/3 as well. He had just gotten a new bed and wanted me to lay in it with him. I agreed, and we were just laying in his new bed for a while. It was uncomfortable because it was a small toddler bed and there wasn't a lot of room. For some reason, I started to touched him through his clothes. He thought it was funny and started laughing/moving around and I stopped.

A few months ago, my littlest brother, who just turned 3, asked me to give him the chills. I said fine, but after a few minutes, I suddenly felt like I was doing something terribly wrong. I was giving him the chills on his stomach and so I felt disgusting for having touched his chest/nipples. I don't know if this is me just connecting past events with new ones, but I have no desire to sexually abuse children at all. This is why what I have done bothers me so much. I know I deserve all of the guilt and remorse and pain and sickness I feel. I look at my brothers and all I can think about is what I've done to them. How I've abused them and mistreated them. I can't even look at random children without remembering what I've done. I would never, ever touch a child in a sexual way, nor do I feel any attraction towards them. Despite this, I feel like a pedophile and a child molester.

I have done a lot of internet research on children acting out sexually, and I've come to the conclusion that I had a sexual problem. None of the other stories that I've read are as horrific and extensive as mine. I feel like the scum of the earth, and rightfully so. Sometimes my mind goes into overdrive because I think of everything I've done at once, and my mind goes numb. There's times where I don't think of it at all, and I feel normal, but then I hate myself for being happy because I shouldn't allowed to be. I should be dead or in prison.
I guess I'm just trying to get perspective on this. Why I would do these things. I feel like a rapist. It makes me physically sick to a point where I can't eat. I don't allow myself to enjoy anything that I used to love. I don't deserve to enjoy food or the sounds of music that I love. I have a hard time talking to people because I keep thinking "They have never done anything as horrible as me. They would think of me as disgusting if they knew". My friend was raped by his cousin as a child and he always talks about how he hates her, and how rapists deserve nothing. I agree with him, but I feel like I can't be friends with him. I feel sick.
I don't know how I am going to possibly function at school.
I don't know what else to do. I feel like committing suicide more than half of the time because I can't stand being in my own skin. Knowing what I've done to my own brothers and the other kids sickens me. Every time my brothers get in trouble or act out, I blame myself. I know I deserve to die.
I have a therapist that my mom has recently had me see, but despite at how much I hate myself, I'm afraid to talk about it or tell her. She's legally supposed to tell my mother whatever I tell her, and I can't bare to have my mom know. It's selfish, but my mom was raped, and I know she will hate me. I don't know what else to do. I don't know if I am a rapist, but I feel like I am and that scares me. I don't want pity and sympathy. I am sub-human. Disgusting. Vile. I don't deserve pity or love. I really just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. I'd rather die, no matter how selfish that is. Thank you for reading through this if you did. I'm sorry it was so long. I rambled a lot.

Sorry to break it to you, but you are completely human.

You are not disgusting.

You are not vile.

You are not sick.

I don't mean to disappoint you by saying those things, but I really mean it.

Your actions were at most questionable. But death or prison?? Would you seriously want to live in a country where a child touching another child through their clothes, or tickling their chest or stomach would be punishable by prison or death?

I remember one time when I was about 5, I asked my sister (who would have been 8 or 9) to "tickle my willy". She did it and it felt nice. End of story.

Now, if I mentioned that to her today she would most likely feel a huge amount of discomfort from recalling it. She may even feel guilt. I would never want to put that on her, even if I felt uncomfortable about it all these years later.

The truth is that kids (especially siblings) innocently do things that we as adults (or at least older kids/teens) see as sexually motivated. But it's not as simple as that. Kids are thinking more about the raw sensation or just being plain silly, fooling around, monkey see monkey do (i.e. in your case of humping).

You really need a sense of perspective here because your reaction is bordering on paranoia and I guarantee people reading your post will be thinking "so... what did she do wrong??"

I'm pretty confident that as you get older these memories will fade into insignificance. Just like my memory of my sister. I could have been like "SHE TOUCHED MY PENIS!!!!" but that would say more about the kind of insecure person I am than any actual harm caused by what she did.

The past is a corpse you keep alive through memory. Memory is a thought that arises in your mind. Your mind is not who you are. You are the awareness of thought. How could you be anything else?

So, whatever you did, it doesn't represent who you are, only what you did. It's so simple, but we humans love to identify with illusions of the mind. It's one of the greatest causes of suffering. We think our identities based on things that, if we really look, and I mean really look at the deepest level (you may have to invoke science here!), we had no real choice over.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't take responsibility for our actions - remorse is one of our greatest evolutionary gifts, to help us "re-program" the mind. But that's completely different from the shame of saying "I AM what I DID".

Shame is not only irrational, it's also based on an illusion, conditioning that has been drummed into you from day 1. What's the easiest way to break the illusion of shame? Get rid of its opposite - pride.

Get rid of pride, and you'll have nothing for shame to eat away at. It will starve to death and all you'll be left with is a pure, healthy sense of responsibility and a passion to do what you love regardless of the status it gives you.

Be at peace. You're not who you think you are

I realized recently that I don't deserve to be happy in any way or function as a person. I'm not even a person ... I understand if you think of me as a sick, disgusting, terrible horrible sub-human after these, because I think of myself like that too.

First off, as Epiphany says, you are a person. You simply are a human being, even if you feel you do not deserve to be called that, or that you have made yourself a sub-human. Sub-humans simply don't exist. It's a made-up Nazi trash concept, as I suspect you know in your heart. As cats are cats, humans are humans. It's an objective, scientific truth, so even if someone says they don't consider you to be human, it doesn't change the fact that you are. Promise.

It's selfish, but my mom was raped, and I know she will hate me. I don't know what else to do. I don't know if I am a rapist, but I feel like I am and that scares me. I don't want pity and sympathy. I am sub-human. Disgusting. Vile. I don't deserve pity or love. I really just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. I'd rather die, no matter how selfish that is.

Love isn't really about deserving or not deserving and you don't *know* how your mother would act. She may well be disappointed, upset or angry, but that doesn't mean she would stop loving you. We can really control who loves us. Some people love Charles Manson. Whether he 'deserves' that love isn't a very useful question, because people will love who they love. Personally, I believe that every human being deserves a basic kernel of love - or, at least, the respect and compassion that comes with the recognition that they are a human being.

In Werner Herzog's documentary Into The Abyss about murderers Michael Perry and Jason Burkett (who I personally consider far worse human beings than you, especially Perry) Herzog turns up to the interview on death row in a suit and tells Perry before he gets started: "I don’t have to like you, but you are a human being."

Some people won't like you because of what you have done. That is their right and it is something you will have to live with. However, even if they don't like you, it doesn't change the fact that you are a human being, with thoughts, feelings and experiences and memories and fears and hopes like other human beings.

Also, the fact that you were a child yourself isn't an excuse per se (your actions were still regrettable and with the large age difference later, probably constitute abuse) but it is totally a mitigating factor. The fact is, your brain is way more developed at whatever age you are now, than at 12 or younger. In a very real, literal sense, you are a different human being to the child who committed the actions. You have developed a much greater sense of empathy, boundaries and self-control and no longer have the desires than you did. That's great! It tells me that you are not going to grow up into an adult that abuses others. I don't like the idea of labeling any young child 'bad' but now, as an older teenager, I certainly don't get the impression you are a bad person.

I don't really know who you should tell about this... I feel obsessively compelled to tell everyone about the fact that I had a relationship with an underage 16/ 17 year-old when I was a few years older than her (and one time pressured her into acquiescing to being touched sexually when we were spooning together in bed, when she had said she was not in the mood to be sexual) because I hate the idea of people remaining my friends without the knowledge that I sexually abused a child. However, once that knowledge is out there, I know it is not my right to police who still chooses to love or like me. My close friends have remained my close friends. If I was in their situation, maybe I wouldn't make that choice. However, they have made their decision with the above knowledge, so I don't feel I should tell them that they're not 'allowed' to love or like me.

Even though, like me, you feel that you are not deserving of love, people will still love you. That's another thing you'll have to live with and adjust yourself to.

Also, please know you are not alone. I relate massively to this:

I feel like the scum of the earth, and rightfully so. Sometimes my mind goes into overdrive because I think of everything I've done at once, and my mind goes numb. There's times where I don't think of it at all, and I feel normal, but then I hate myself for being happy because I shouldn't allowed to be. I should be dead or in prison.

I guess I'm just trying to get perspective on this. Why I would do these things. I feel like a rapist. It makes me physically sick to a point where I can't eat. I don't allow myself to enjoy anything that I used to love. I don't deserve to enjoy food or the sounds of music that I love. I have a hard time talking to people because I keep thinking "They have never done anything as horrible as me. They would think of me as disgusting if they knew". My friend was raped by his cousin as a child and he always talks about how he hates her, and how rapists deserve nothing. I agree with him, but I feel like I can't be friends with him. I feel sick.

If you look further on this 'remorse' section of the forums, you'll see many stories similar to your own and, indeed, people who have arguably done worse. You're never alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFJ9bkcyBWs

In short, please keep going. I think killing yourself would hurt a lot of people. I do not think you are irretrievably evil or anything like it. Though you arguably committed child-on-child abuse, I do not think you are a rapist (you probably wouldn't meet the legal criteria) and I do not believe you are 'the same' as someone committing the same acts as a fully-grown adult. Self-reflection is painful, but the pain should lesson with time. This doesn't mean you'll necessarily ever feel 'ok' about what you did, but you can learn to live with it and learn to love yourself again just a little.

P.S. Does your username come from the Bjork album?

Thank you both epiphany55 and sprock. Thank you immensely. For both replying and being so kind to me. I have never, ever received any perspective other than my what my memory has offered, and what I perceived myself as because of it. Not that it has changed much, I still feel disgusting, but your words really helped soothe me out of my crisis. I feel that I have a better grip on it, instead of feeling like I was drowning. I still feel guilty about feeling a bit better, and I'm not sure how soon that will change. I've conditioned myself to think only negative thoughts about myself because of what I've done. Your words of advice and kindness did help me gather up the courage to tell my therapist today. Though I cried and it was extremely embarrassing to say what I needed to say out loud (for the first time), I feel better now that I am not trying to shut it out or bombard myself with extreme remorse. I'm not sure if I deserve help. I feel like I don't. But hopefully my therapist will be able to give me more insight and help me finally dissect why I did those things. There's two sides of my brain. One tells me that I'm blowing things way out of proportion, and to let me forgive myself, but not forget. Learn from it and realize I am not the same person. My other side is telling me, no, you don't deserve to be forgiven, not even by your own mind, you deserve all of the suffering you can endure, you're a dirty scumbag rapist. I'm still extremely confused, and I still feel like I shouldn't be feeling anything besides guilt for the rest of my life since I was the perpetrator. I don't want to, but I feel like I have to.

Epiphany55, you were very insightful and I really appreciate that. You said a lot of things that I had never thought of before or even considered. I didn't think anything human or positive of myself. You really helped. Thank you.

I'm really appreciative of both of your kind words. They will help me when I fall into my next crisis.

Sprock, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. I completely understand you being compelled to tell everyone. I'm glad your close friends are still friends with you, I would be, even with the above knowledge. Yes there's the law, but there are couples who are 18 years apart in age difference. Which meant that at some point, while one of them was eighteen, the one was a newborn. Kinda weird, but they're adults and sometimes people can't really choose who they love. You can love someone despite their age (as long as they love you back in the same way and you're on the same mental level). I don't know if that helps at all. I'm not really in my right mind to be giving advice, but you're not the scum of the earth. Please don't feel that way.

Also, is it okay if I was ever in another crisis or anything, if I could maybe PM either of you? I don't feel the most comfortable posting some things, and you were both very kind and helpful to me. I understand if you don't want to. You can PM me any time if you need to talk. I'm not sure how this website really works yet, but I have no problem listening.

Thank you both again.

P.s. and yes, it is

I'm really glad (and impressed) that you mustered up the courage to tell your therapist. I think that's for the best as you can't just suffer through this alone. Hopefully it'll be the first step on a path to feeling ok about yourself, even if just a little.

Like, I understand never feeling 'ok' about what you did as a child (although you *were a child* and even if you think that such a thought is minimizing or an excuse etc. it remains true and an important mitigating fact, honestly) but I really, truly don't believe you deserve only future unhappiness. Absolutely not. As said, monsters and sub-humans don't exist... but even if they did, you wouldn't come close! You are making yourself sound like Ted Bundy or Jimmy Saville and you are many many worlds apart from that. Honestly.

And of course you can PM if you are in a panic! That'd be no problem at all.

P.S. Great album!

Yes, to think that you deserve to be unhappy is just your mind twisting the reality of the situation.

Nobody "deserves" anything - including unhappiness. We have certain legal rights, but that's a different premise. The "right to the pursuit of happiness", for example, is not the same as "deserving of happiness".

So here you are on the one hand... and here is unhappiness (or wanting it) on the other. It's a co-existence.

Sounds like a weird way of looking at it, right? After all, we tend to say "I AM unhappy", which is just another way of saying "I am unhappiness" or "unhappiness is what I am".

Again, this is a mind identification trick. Look again - unhappiness doesn't have the form or power to become you, because it's nothing more than an object of thought, coupled with a build up of energy in the body and a lack of certain chemicals/neural firings in the brain. Just watch it and feel it for a moment. Who is watching/feeling it?

So even if you wanted unhappiness because you think you deserve it, you're not going to find that a very meaningful experience now I've shattered the illusion for you (sorry about that!).

The question is not what you deserve, the question is what you are, right now, at the most fundamental level, regardless of your current mood or thoughts about "what I deserve".

How about just stopping at "I am"? Why add any more words to that, especially when those words represent things that are not inherently who you are? Even to say "I am a monster" or "I am a human being"... these are just forms/labels that exist around the only thing that you can truly say is you - the awareness of all these things.