Sexual experience with cousin?

I'm not quite sure whether this counts as a sexual experience or not but i had completely forgotten this had happened until the other day and now i am racked with guilt and disgust with myself. I can't remember what age we were..we were both double figures, but under 15. I'd say between the ages of 13 and 15. Definitely old enough to know what we were doing and i was definitely old enough to know better and stop it.

My cousin is 2 years younger than me. We're both female and were very close, still are really. She was one of my best friends. She stayed over at my house regularly. We slept in the spare room with the double bed so no one argued over who got the bed and who got the floor/couch. One night we talking and laughing...probably be slightly immature for our age and playing a make-believe game, i can't quite remember to be honest. It escalated and eventually she had her genitals in my face (fully clothed), making (loud) sex noises that my family probably heard- although have never said anything about it. It was a game and we were laughing, it wasn't taken seriously however I do remember weirdly enjoying it. It then went onto a game of dares. I dared her to lick me from head to toe- not oral sex- but as if she was licking food of me or something. Why I don't know...i find that weird myself. She briefly touched the front of my genital area (where my pubic hair is, not my clitoris or anywhere near that area) dared me to do the same. Again, i weirdly enjoyed it. This only happened the once however, the game of her putting her "thing" in my face happened another one or two times.

I also want to point out that I don't and have never found my cousin sexually attractive and didn't ever (and still don't) want to have sex with her. This just sort of happened. It wasn't planned any of the times, at least on my part.

Like i say, i'm not sure whether it can be classed as a proper sexual experience since we were fully clothed and didn't touch each other's private parts or kissed or anything like that. But i still I just feel so guilty. The thought of it now repulses me. Doing sexual things with my cousin or any other member of my family makes me feel sick yet i remember at the time, I enjoyed it and probably got a bit turned on by it. I am starting to really hate myself and am starting to think i'm some sort of weird person for doing this and letting it happen. I've never spoken to my cousin about it and tbh i think she has forgotten about it too. I also thought i 100% straight, i strongly dislike the thought of being with another woman sexally or in a relationship. However, at that point, i enjoyed it and also do get a little turned on by other women's bodies today.

We're both adults now 21 and 19- and haven't spoken a word about it.

What do i do? Am i some sort of freak?

Personally I think it sounds like pretty harmless experimentation. You were both children, close in age, who were really just messing amount. I can understand why you'd feel weird about it, but it isn't the same as sibling incest (remember, though it might seem odd, it's legal in lots of places for cousins to get married and it's basically been how royal families propagate themselves down the centuries) and, as you said, there was little if any real sexual contact. Also, lots (maybe even the majority) of kids question their sexuality around the onset of puberty because it's all very new and confusing. This doesn't necessarily mean you're gay or bi (personally I wouldn't have any problem if you were, but I know the thought makes a lot of straight people anxious) and doesn't change your current sexuality. Playing around with your cousin in a way that was only vaguely sexual doesn't make you a freak.

Totally agree with sprock. I dont think that this is something to worry about if you can help it as it sounds like messing about and experimentation. This is common with kids, and teens do this too - it does not mean you are attracted to your cousin or women in general - tho as sprock also said it would be fine if you are attracted to women. I think that the best thing would be if you can challenge your thoughts on this and try to get yourself to realise it is OK, and if that does not work then perhaps a few sessions with a therapist might help you?

Please dont beat yourself up

Cracked