Guilt, OCD and being happy

Hello,

My story is a complicated one, but I will try to be as concise as possible. I suffer from Pure-O OCD, for those of you who dont know, I have intense irrational fears, obsessing constantly, guilt over everything etc. My main OCD fear is paedophilia OCD, or the irrational fear of being a paedophile. I was diagnosed about 5 years ago and it has torn my life apart. But I try and keep going.
There have been many times I convinced myself I had harmed a child in some way, that I am attracted to kids etc. But I know the vast majority of it is OCD tricks. I am attracted to adults and always have been.
There was one situation a few months ago where I was playing with my little brother. He is so cute and I love him to death. I gave him a couple of kisses (cheek, corner on the mouth, possibly on the lips too, we always have done this in our family as we are very affectionate.) I had no anxiety or ocd thoughts as far as I remember. After the first 2 kisses I got a vague 'groinal response', which is common in those with or without ocd, in response to any close human interaction, I am just more finely tuned to my bodily responses after years of analyzing and checking. I acknowledged this on some level and was not anxious. I then gave him one more kiss, almost straight after the others and carried on with my work on my laptop. What has been torturing me since is the feeling that I vaguely acknowledge that 'nice' feeling and then gave him another peck as a result. Like as if I was slightly aroused for whatever reason, and then gave him a kiss because of that.
This has plagued me every day. I feel like I molested him, although he was in no way harmed and would not have noticed any different because we always give each other kisses. I am not attracted to my brother. I just feel like a terrible person that had a somewhat bad intention for giving him that kiss, even though it would never have been deemed sexual by him or anyone else in the room. I have told a few people, my mum, sister, close friends, and they just think it is my OCD. I keep trying to confess over and over to make them understand that I feel it was bad in some way and I should be punished.
As with all ocd fears, you have to accept the possibility. I have tried to do this. I have said 'ok, perhaps you pecked him on the lips for sexual reasons. That was wrong. But you do not fancy kids, you have no desire or intention to do anything with children, and no one was harmed. so move on.' This has resulted in me feeling immense guilt. I cant be around anyone because I feel like I am lying and they would hate me if they knew. I have daily anxiety attacks and am under the care of the mental health team.
As deluded as OCD can make you, I am stuck and dont know how to stop the pain. I could somehow see me forgiving myself if I did something bad, but others wouldnt so I dont deserve to have friends. I feel like I should live alone with a dog or something and be as little a part of society as possible.
I'm so scared. Please give me your thoughts.

Hi elfie, my view is that if you can't change your thought patterns then change how you relate to the thoughts. Work on weakening your attachment to them rather than spend energy trying to fight them. Then, it won't matter so much what pops up in your mind or how frequently. You'll be "somewhere else".

For example, you wouldn't be so bothered by your unwanted thoughts if they were seen in the same way as passing clouds. You have as little control over the thoughts that arise in your head as you do the clouds that pass over you.

But they do pass!

As these thoughts arise and dissolve, come and go, what remains constant throughout? The awareness of these thoughts. If you find yourself judging these thoughts it is because you are grabbing on to them, identifying with them in some way, rather than simply observing and letting them pass.

I know this is difficult because the mind is obsessed with forming identity (stemming from an evolved survival mechanism), even if it means attaching itself to irrational thoughts. Whenever you feel yourself "following" a thought, try to put your attention on the fact you are not present. As soon as you realise you are following a figment of your imagination instead of being here and now, you will automatically weaken it in the same way that, when you watch TV, at any moment you can step back and realise "I am just watching TV". The TV show suddenly becomes part of the background noise of life (albeit a very bright and loud one!).

But let yourself get swept up in the storyline and your reality will become what's being shown on the TV screen. That's why TV shows are so effective as a form of escapism. You "lose yourself" in them. Don't do the same thing with your thoughts, because they do not represent who you are.

Thank you for your reply. What you describe is really helpful when it comes to bad thoughts, like mindfulness. Usually I am quite good at that. The problem now is I am so deeply entrenched in the guilt that my mind refuses to allow me to help myself, because then I am not feeling bad, which I think I should be.
Why did I give him another kiss if I had some sort of vague arousal? Is it possible at all that he was harmed by this? Even if not, how can I ever move on unless I am prosecuted or something?
I try and read or watch a TV show. But the second I relax and start to enjoy it, it is ruined because it is false. I can never be content.
If someone did something bad to a child, and felt terrible, never did anything remotely like that again and was never charged, how could they ever be happy? Just knowing it happened. I think maybe I could move on if I was sure no one was harmed, I would feel guilt, but not like this. I am pretty sure it is impossible for any harm to have happened because no one can read your thoughts, but OCD causes doubt.
I just think I will and should feel like this until I die, and that is appropriate punishment. I considered going to the police, but that would cause more harm than anything because it would probably not be classed as a crime due to the confusion caused by my OCD, and the process would probably harm the child, being told someone was being investigated for hurting them. My Mum has tried to tell me, that even if I had a sexual intention, no harm was caused and I would have to eventually move on. But she adamantly believes this is another ocd episode and that it's that I should be dealing with.
I just don't see an end to this.

elfie24 wrote:The problem now is I am so deeply entrenched in the guilt that my mind refuses to allow me to help myself, because then I am not feeling bad, which I think I should be.

Ah yes I know that feeling too well! The mind is quite the little trickster. Very stubborn. Very cunning in its ways of attachment. I think a lot of these bad feelings are the mind overcompensating in some way. It's sending you all these "feel bad" signals when there's nothing to feel bad about in reality. It's being like an over-protective parent in other words. It means well, it's trying to protect you from what it thinks could potentially threaten your well-being, but it is not very good at being objective and seeing through these more sophisticated illusions.

Feeling bad is supposed to be a constructive thing to ensure we don't put ourselves in danger. When there clearly is no danger, feeling bad is just a waste of energy.

elfie24 wrote:Why did I give him another kiss if I had some sort of vague arousal? Is it possible at all that he was harmed by this? Even if not, how can I ever move on unless I am prosecuted or something?

Maybe a professional psychologist can offer suggestions as to why you did it. Maybe there's some hidden link between sexual and familial love that we'd all rather not know too much about! Nature works in mysterious ways... until science unravels it and shows us most of our impulses can be rationally explained through evolutionary biology/psychology.

No, he won't have been harmed from a few kisses from his sister. In fact, the worst that happened was he thinks you love him!

Legal prosecution doesn't always give people the clear conscience to move on. It's not designed for that so you shouldn't rely on it. You need to look within for true clarity.

elfie24 wrote:I try and read or watch a TV show. But the second I relax and start to enjoy it, it is ruined because it is false. I can never be content.

This is partly why I stopped reading fiction a while ago. Be prepared to let things go that don't do anything for you. It's fine, you don't need them anyway.

elfie24 wrote:If someone did something bad to a child, and felt terrible, never did anything remotely like that again and was never charged, how could they ever be happy? Just knowing it happened. I think maybe I could move on if I was sure no one was harmed, I would feel guilt, but not like this. I am pretty sure it is impossible for any harm to have happened because no one can read your thoughts, but OCD causes doubt.

You need to define harm on your terms first. But I'm sure by anyone's definition, you have not harmed your brother.

elfie24 wrote:I just think I will and should feel like this until I die, and that is appropriate punishment.

Get to the bottom of it - what exactly should you feel like? Where does that feeling come from? Why does it have power over you?

I'm guessing it has power over you because you've entangled it with some false story about how much control you had over what happened. Lose the story (because you yourself know it's not true) and feel the feeling without judgement or labels. You'll realise that feeling is just energy in the body. It's your thoughts that turn it into suffering.

elfie24 wrote:My Mum has tried to tell me, that even if I had a sexual intention, no harm was caused and I would have to eventually move on. But she adamantly believes this is another ocd episode and that it's that I should be dealing with.
I just don't see an end to this.

I agree with your mum - no harm done, therefore you're in the same position as if nothing had happened.

Except there's now a memory of this event in your mind, distorted by your OCD. This is the problem, not the event. You need to keep working in disassociating thought from feeling until the patterns become more like passing clouds, because that's all they are.

Wow, I found your reply really helpful. And that's saying something because nothing seems to be helping at the moment. I really appreciate you taking the time to write that. It all makes a lot of sense and I feel a little clearer.
Another guy I know with OCD actually went to the police as he believed he had harmed his niece. They interrogated him and released him, which just left him looking nuts and completely embarrassed. It is a cruel and vile disorder that is deeply underestimated.
I know reassurance perpetuates OCD, but I do need to keep reminding myself that I have caused no harm. And this allows me to start trying to help myself in a way. I will practice some of the techniques you described tonight. It is a matter of instinctive survival at this stage. I don't want to let this be the end of me, for my Mum's sake if not mine.
Thank you again. People who take the time to help, even in small ways, can make the world of difference.

You're welcome. That is sad to hear about the guy you knew. I don't have OCD myself, but I'm aware of how difficult it can be. I can't imagine how racked with guilt I would feel if I had OCD. I've done some bad things in my life. But I do try to judge them based on the harm principle rather than what my mind thinks the actions say about me as a person (which is always irrationally brutal).

Re: being happy. This is going to sound really pessimistic, but I think happiness is overrated. What about peace and contentment? Now those are two things I can find even if I'm at my lowest. Happiness comes and goes. As does sadness, fear, anxiety, anger... what is permanently underneath all this emotional chaos? Stillness, space and pure, untouched awareness.

Yes, without a doubt peace and contentment is more valuable to me than happiness as such. When I get ill like this, it is nearly impossible to find that. Your mind believes you have harmed a child in and committed this vile act, and you are trying to find some sort of peace....I'm sure you can imagine the conflict. But by repeating to myself that I have caused no harm allows me to at least try and achieve some sort of content, even for shirt periods during the day. The irrational pressure to 'do the right thing' and 'go to the police' is now coming and going, rather than being constant.
I read a magazine with a cup of tea this morning. It sounds like nothing but this was a huge thing for me. Just being able to 'be', without labeling my thoughts and feelings.
And I do agree that actions should really be judged on the harm caused. If someone accidently kills someone, there is a lot of harm done and prosecution is necessary for the victim and their family, for instance. If a peadophile goes to the park and looks at children, but doesn't touch them, according to the legal definition it is a minor crime, for example, but if no one knows? There is no harm done. I would say that is forgivable. But I don't want to start the analyzing and ruminating again
Let's hope things begin to settle soon.