Relapse

And relapse. Conversation with her where she accuses me of talking behind her back. I had messaged her mother, while I was in a fit of flash backs, that I thought she would have a new boy toy by now or if not now soon. She apparently saw this. Wants me not to have contact with her family any more. So I blocked all of them on all of the things. Because I always give her what she wants. Now I'm in a stupor. I should feel more sad. Or destroyed. Or something. But I just feel dead inside. Nobody will care about me. Nobody will reach out to me.

I'm not feeling anything right now. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Sounds like you were feeling pretty awful when you wrote this. Are you feeling any better now or still struggling with it all? It is OK to be struggling.

Hugs

Cracked

Mixed bag. I'm still feeling very very very awful. I would still like to just drown.

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad. try giving your self some time and also be gentle with yourself. Things usually look better after a little time has elapsed.

Hugs

Cracked

It's readily apparent how much she means to you so I can imagine this is very painful. I do think you have to respect her boundaries, but I can understand the emotional fall-out you must be experiencing, especially after such odd and intense events (without wanting to be glib, it's not every day you help send a creepy guy down who has been preying upon a girl that you have very strong, but confused feelings about... I mean, I can just imagine it being very psychologically confusing).

Anyway, you are very much someone who has walked their own path in life and even though I've only read your words on this forum, I have respect for you. I get the impression you have integrity and that you care earnestly about things.

I don't think you're an abusive or predatory individual - it's not the impression I've gotten, certainly. I think you've had a very unusual experience but I think you have genuinely tried to do the right thing. This is going to sound weird... but you seem to encapsulate some of the things I respect (while sometimes also finding a bit intimidating) about American masculinity - that kind of stalwart manly decency that we don't really have in the same way in Britain. Maybe it's something about the landscape, or how it's always kind of drizzly over here.

Basically, I'm sad you're feeling really awful. I think you'll have many more people you care about in the future, but I know that's cold comfort right now. Still, keep going.

Thanks for your support. I still don't know what's going to happen. I still feel very lost and dead inside. Like, when I focus on her and making her life better... I have an objective. I have something I understand and want to solve. When that is taken away from me, my own life... lacks any motivation. I'm satisfied. It's not bad. It's not good. It's just... done.

Only one person has talked to me since and re-established contact. I'll see what others do. But I feel very much like everything I've done, everything I've lived for, for the last two years is gone. And not for anything particularly malicious or evil.

The thing is, I think she moved on in a minute. I don't think what I said was even actually that offensive to her. I think, also, what I said was true. And it hurt her, I get that, but she knew it was also true. She probably hates me partially because I'm at 100% at reading her. I just shouldn't have said that to her mom in a moment of weakness. Not that me or her mom judge her at all negatively.

Hi,

Reading your story, I don't think you did anything wrong. I think you gave her a lot in 2 years, and that will help her for her whole life. I'm sure you are an important person for her.

You tell that you were like a father. Probably there was a moment where she felt invaded. I can understand that. It is not your fault. At a certain time the link has to reajust.

The way you describe your feelings is beautiful. She made you become vulnerable. I perceive that as a huge gift, although it may be terribly painful now.

I hope now you'll take your time and take care of yourself, and little by little realise that you opened yourself for better (hum, is it english language? Hope my words are understandable).

That's a nice sentiment. I'm not sure what's right or wrong. Thanks for the supportive message.

The only person to re-establish contact with me so-far is the girl's mother. She has been nice to me. She does not know what happened. She thinks I'm just taking a break from everyone. That's fine. She doesn't know that her daughter just got really angry with me after reading some relatively light comments between me and the mom.

I'm hopeful that maybe in a couple months things will look better.