Guilt! Please Read.

I have recently remembered something that happened when I was younger that is causing me a lot of guilt and remorse. When I was around 12 I had these girls that I was friends with and we always used to play together. I think they were around the ages 7-9. Well I remember that we were sexually curious with each other. I remember one time when there was some inappropriate dancing and another time where there was touching but it was all over clothing and not for a prolonged period of time. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately because I was the older one so I feel that I am at fault. Although I don't really know if there is any fault in this. I did not think it was wrong at the time nor did I believe that anything we were doing was really serious. I have never really told anyone about this because it happened so long ago and I wouldn't know what to say. I just need some advice desperately! I can't stop blaming myself.

You were a very young child yourself - not just legally, but medically a child. Though I can see why you regret your actions, you are a completely different person from who you were when you were 12. Just think about how much you've changed and your brain has developed since then. I'm sure you wouldn't come down incredibly harshly on a 12-year-old who did the same (especially considering you were both clothed) so please try to cut yourself some slack

Hi

I always find it difficult to know what is child on child abuse and what is sexual experimentation between kids. I suspect yours falls into the latter category as it does not sound like you were trying to exert your power over the others which I think is a big part of abuse. I think that this was harmless experimentation from what you have said.

Cracked

"I have recently remembered something that happened when I was younger that is causing me a lot of guilt and remorse. When I was around 12 I had these girls that I was friends with and we always used to play together. I think they were around the ages 7-9. Well I remember that we were sexually curious with each other. I remember one time when there was some inappropriate dancing and another time where there was touching but it was all over clothing and not for a prolonged period of time. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately because I was the older one so I feel that I am at fault. Although I don't really know if there is any fault in this. I did not think it was wrong at the time nor did I believe that anything we were doing was really serious. I have never really told anyone about this because it happened so long ago and I wouldn't know what to say. I just need some advice desperately! I can't stop blaming myself."

So I posted that about a year ago and recently within the past year my guilt has gotten worse. It's almost like my brain is trying to convince me that I'm a pedophile from that past experience. I know I'm not though. I mean I love kids. But it's like whenever I encounter a child my first thoughts are good and happy and then my mind immediately turns to those memories of what I did when I was younger and I feel like I shouldn't be allowed around that child. These thoughts are really messing up my life. I feel like there are two parts of my brain; one that knows I love kids and would never hurt them and the other part knows that too but wants to punish me for the rest of my life making me relive what I did all the time. I can't get into a relationship because I think about what my partner would think if they found out about what I did when I was younger. It's also starting to make me think I shouldn't have kids. If anyone has any thoughts about this I would love to hear them. Thanks.

Firstly - if it is of any comfort - I can truthfully say that I very much relate to your experience. I had a relationship with a 16/17-year-old girl when I was 21, four-and-a-half years older than her, which I now see as completely appropriate. I've spoken to the British police and they declined to arrest me so I'm trying at this point to just learn to live with myself as best I can.

But I still find it very difficult to be around children because I immediately feel it's 'wrong' or 'corrupt' somehow that I should be so, even though I logically know I don't pose a risk. For instance, a month or so ago my mum had a friend round who brought with her a 4-year-old foster child. To give my mum and her friend some space I was asked to look after / play with the young child for a short while. I obliged and showed them my old viewmaster and a few other toys and games from when I was young, but - even though it was relaxing and fun being in the company of a little kid, which isn't something I'd gotten to do outside of a general crowd in a street or supermarket for years - I felt very guilty and self-aware and afterwards pretty overwhelmed with anxiety, even though I'd been doing a favour, rather than having had any particular desire to spend time with a little kid in the first place!

I think this is due to internalising stereotypical images of the "child abuser" and then applying it to one's self-image. I don't know if you have been diagnosed with OCD or if it is something that has even come up, but I certainly find that having OCD drastically increases the amount such thoughts dominate my mind.

At the end of the day though, you know you aren't a paedophile and pose no danger. Also, you performed your behaviour (which was not necessarily abusive) when you were still a young child. It would be unfair and unjust for you to be judged now as an adult by the actions taken as a child. Moreover, you'd never dream of judging another 12-year-old kid as harshly as you judge yourself.

Please try to remind yourself of these things and believe them. If CG thinks you are being too harsh on yourself and that you shouldn't have to self-regard as 'child abuser' or 'paedophile' then that's a good indication that you're not since she has a lot of integrity and takes abuse very seriously.

Be in peace as best you can