So my guilt has changed forms...

If you haven't followed any of my relevant conversations before, the short of it is:

I betrayed a young female friends trust for her mother and discovered that she had been involved in some exchanges with an older guy. That guy has since gone to court, been put on probation, and faces jail time because he has already violated the terms of that probation.

I was relatively obsessed with the young girl. She treated me like her father, and I ate it up. It was, in my entire weird life-time, the most emotionally I've ever connected with someone.

The thing is, she half-way forgave me. It took nine months, but now she's moved on from the guy and readily admits that he was messing her up. Besides the obvious, he was cheating and coercive. She's still boy crazy, but with safer people since then, which makes me fairly happy.

She does not, however, want to interact with me ever again because of that whole trust betrayal thing. Which is absolutely fair and justified on her part. She's a bit uncommitted to this though, she still talks to me very rarely, and I get the feeling she still likes the positive attention. I think she wants me to somehow be there when she falls down again. But I could be projecting, so I don't know for sure.

The thing is, I went through a lot of stress over this. For a brief period, especially leading up to the incident, I was paranoid. I was having nightmares. And after things blew up I couldn't work for a couple weeks. I mean... it's not perfectly justified, but I was devastated. The problem has many layers to it, but I think the core of it is that I'm a very schizoid person, and I opened myself up to her because of the whole father/daughter relationship. One of the theories around SPD is that the underlying person may be hypersensitive. I feel like that's true for me. And the only reason I was able to connect with this girl is because she approached me from a position that I don't have layers and layers of walls built up. She wanted a tutor and a mentor because she is home schooled and falling behind. And I'm not gloating at all when I say I am respectably intelligent and a fair teacher.

I had a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs, after things happened. Now that it's finally starting to "look better" I'm still having episodes. The thing that has changed for me is... I guess... that now instead of fighting against an enemy (the guy) now I don't really have anything. All is, relatively, right with the world. She has moved on, is recovering, healing, getting better. She is happier. Not totally happy. But happier. She doesn't even seem to care that he's facing jail time now, whereas she was obsessed with protecting him before... and I feel like that's the right perspective for her. She shouldn't care, because now it's 100% on him for agreeing to a plea deal for probation then violating the terms of it.

I can cry on command now. I'm really... desperate... for validation from people. Like the girls mother. When she doesn't talk to me for a couple days, I get paranoid that I've done something horribly wrong and now I'm disliked. And the girls two older sisters and their friend don't talk to me much anymore, and I get very paranoid about that.

I can sort of dissect myself. I'm terrified of being alone again. I was alone for 27 years basically, and I had built up enough defenses and experience that I just wasn't worried anymore. But now, because I've connected with someone at-all, I'm utterly terrified. I am getting better at work again. I think I like work more, because it's distracting. It puts my mind on (relatively) solvable problems. I can work towards conclusions. I can be an automoton.

But now, after all of that, I'm kind of desperate for someone else to like me as a person. But it's not like my defenses were torn down. I still outright reject people. I still turn down and hide from affection of any sort. I still don't believe anything people say.

I'm just ranting... as an exercise to free my brain up a little. But if anyone feels compelled to comment, I'd be glad to hear.

-- Thu Jun 19, 2014 12:30 am --

And relapse. Conversation with her where she accuses me of talking behind her back. I had messaged her mother, while I was in a fit of flash backs, that I thought she would have a new boy toy by now or if not now soon. She apparently saw this. Wants me not to have contact with her family any more. So I blocked all of them on all of the things. Because I always give her what she wants. Now I'm in a stupor. I should feel more sad. Or destroyed. Or something. But I just feel dead inside. Nobody will care about me. Nobody will reach out to me.