Visited prostitutes...feel ashamed of myself

Hi,
I feel terrible because I have visited prostitutes in the past and now I have realised what I have done and just feel ashamed of myself. Everything started with watching alot of pornography, up to a point where I could sit a few hours every day. Then I started searching for prostitutes and eventually I started visit them (have met maybe 30 different women in total)I have always been kind of alone, had a tough upbringing but now I realise that I choose the wrong path...instead of trying to go out and meet new friends and women I choose to hide myself with the help of porn and prostitutes. I am around 30 years old now, but I feel like my life has been destroyed because I feel so bad for what I have done. I don´t understand that I did not realise this earlier on. Does anyone have any thoughts about what to do?? All of this really goes against what I want from life, I want to be a good person and find love instead of all of this misery... But I dont know how I could ever live a normal life after what I have done and all the shame and guilt I feel.

As long as the prostitutes you saw weren't under 18 and they didn't seem like they'd been sex trafficked or otherwise coerced into the situation, I think you can cut yourself some major slack. I can see why you might feel scuzzy, but it's also important to remember that adult women can choose to exchange sex for money and that many women do not find this necessarily traumatic or painful. I think there can be a power imbalance (like there always is between server / client in any job) so I'd judge any man who tried to bully a prostitute into doing things she didn't want to on the grounds of 'I'm a customer'. I've worked quite a lot in retail and I hate it when customers do that, especially if they're verbally abusive, and I can imagine it could be traumatic and basically assaultive if it happened in sex work.

But! You don't sound bullying or jerky from what you've said! You seem pretty decent to me. Maybe just a bit lost and lonely. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you've done anything violent or awful. If it's hurting you, or you're unsure about the ethics, try to cut out paying for sex.

Would you be able to try meeting potential partners over Craigslist? If you want a friendly, romantic relationship that develops into sex, there is the possibility of meeting someone there. Or if you simply want to meet women to have sex with, there may be people to take you up on their offer. I think as long as you don't 'expect' any woman to have sex with you and you always respect if a partner (paid or otherwise) seems unsure or unhappy and back off, then you'll be fine.

Well the thing is that I didn´t take the well being of the women I met that much into consideration. One or two of the women I met didn´t seem very happy but I took advantage of them. Were they unhappy because they were forced to be there? I don´t know. I wasn´t violent against any of the women in any way, but I viewed them like objects instead of like human beings with feelings. Yes, I feel both lost and lonely. I feel morally lost and don´t know what to do. I don´t know how to step back into the real World and live a normal Life? Right now I feel like I will never be able to respcet myself again after realising what I have done...

I think it's really good you've reflected on this, but I honestly think you're feeling way too ashamed!

It sounds like it was all with consenting adults, so I don't think you did anything really wrong.

Like, I think prostitution can be hard for some women... but that's more because of clients far worse than yourself who are abusive or violent. Perhaps some of the women you visited were glad that you were an easy-to-deal-with customer.

Also, a lot of writing by prostitutes I have read says that they really hate it when people get too over protective or say things like 'all prostitutes are victims'. Lots of women don't feel like that and are able to get on with the job 'thank you very much'. I do think that visiting prostitutes there is the risk that one is engaged in exploitation, since a woman might be a victim of trafficking or aggressive pimping or actually be underage. So, I do think it's good that you're stopping being a john. But I don't think you are a bad person because of it, honestly.

Yeh it's probably better that you stop relying on prostitutes for sex (spend the money on membership to a good dating site!), but it's also no big deal that you did for some time.

As for objectification, well this is something we all do to some degree. Every time you look at a body and get aroused, that's objectification. All I will say is that nature is pretty crude when it comes to sex and humans shouldn't be ashamed of these more primal urges - we are animals after all.

And remember that you have a right to keep your past to yourself if you know doing so won't affect other people.

No need to beat yourself up over it all. Those women chose their own destiny, and sometimes a man can't think too much, the blood probably flows down from the brain to somewhere else...

The point is you have come to a point where you want to make a fresh start, you have come to understand what you really want in life.

I can totally understand where you are coming from as I have also visited them myself in the past, and felt extreme guilt and shame initially, but I just struggled with this sex obsession.
I don't know what the first step exactly should be, but you would have to confront and battle your sex addiction. A change of environment might be what you need, as a first step. Get away from your usual surroundings, perhaps a holiday somewhere else. Have a think about your life and yourself, what things did you use to do and have interest aside from sex? This probably won't be a straight forward thing but you should be able to find out your own interests.

Finding friends can happen through taking part in some kind of activity that you would enjoy. Perhaps have a look at meetup.com for something.

Once you've gotten to grips with your addiction and brought it somewhat under control, you can try dating sites (can't actually say how useful they are) where you could quite possibly go on a few dates, get to know people and maybe come across someone who's right for you and vice versa.

I'm no psychiatrist but this worked for me over the span of a year, maybe some of it will be relevant to you?

Anyway, hope you can win this war against your own mind brother.

Eric_1 wrote:Hi,
I feel terrible because I have visited prostitutes in the past and now I have realised what I have done and just feel ashamed of myself. Everything started with watching alot of pornography, up to a point where I could sit a few hours every day. Then I started searching for prostitutes and eventually I started visit them (have met maybe 30 different women in total)I have always been kind of alone, had a tough upbringing but now I realise that I choose the wrong path...instead of trying to go out and meet new friends and women I choose to hide myself with the help of porn and prostitutes. I am around 30 years old now, but I feel like my life has been destroyed because I feel so bad for what I have done. I don´t understand that I did not realise this earlier on. Does anyone have any thoughts about what to do?? All of this really goes against what I want from life, I want to be a good person and find love instead of all of this misery... But I dont know how I could ever live a normal life after what I have done and all the shame and guilt I feel.

Hi Eric,

Sucks to hear you're in pain and feel so miserable and shameful.

It seems, from what I read in your post, that possibly the guilt has more to do with knowing you've wasted lots of time, money, and energy knowing you'd been better to spend it looking for something more positive and long lasting relationship wise?

Firstly you feel terrible and don't want to repeat the same mistakes so I'd suggest finding a group and or getting therapy.

The past few years prostitutes played a major role in my escaping losing people very close to me. I know i'ts been an escape and I realize it.

I've tried to be nice and have given a few opportunities for them to experience a great guy and fun times maybe more but most can't get close to others either.

I realized early on it was not the sex with them it was the need t feel close maybe even rescue them as I'm so damn good at helping others with their problems or what they should do. Saves me from working on myself is what I've come to believe my role as rescuer is.

Have you seen a therapist or been diagnosed with any depression or disorders that are causing you to have problems with sex?

Years ago I heard that some studies with people who've suffered severe head trauma seemed to become or have problems with sex addiction.

I possibly fit that as well as I suffered a serious head injury when I was very young.

Just trying to see if other things may have an influence on your behavoir.. certainly I'm not trying to excuse it or pass it off like it does not matter.

The only thing that matters is that YOU are feeling bad and ashamed about it and feel it's a problem. If you feel that way it IS a problem and you should seek help from someone who can help take you to a better place in life.

Sounds like you at least treat the girls with respect which from those that have opened up to me is way more than they get from most clients.

Hang in there and cut yourself some slack. You're human and we all make mistakes and are far from perfect.

Hi Eric -

Sorry that you're suffering right now, that sucks, regardless of how you got there.

I agree with the previous post - The only thing that matters is that YOU are feeling bad and ashamed about seeing prosititutes and feel it's a problem. Whether anyone else feels it's a problem really doesn't matter.

Posting here and reading other posts is a good first step towards making healthier choices for yourself. A lot of people have found therapy or a 12-step group helpful. You can check online to see if there's a meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous near you, you may find it helpful if you go there with an open mind.

I've struggled with some of the same issues as you, and I've found that in the past, I've sought out prosititutes to avoid facing problems or difficult feelings in my life. But the resulting shame and isolation I always feel afterwards has led me to seek better ways to cope with uncomfortable feelings. It's hard work, and I don't always get it right, but making healthy choices leaves room for other positive things to happen in your life.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in your journey.....