Reestablish communication with mom?

I was raised primarily by my mother and a step father. It was a very unpredictable and hostile environment. My parents also went through about 10 years of legal battles post divorce which was due largely to my mother failing to adhere to visitation orders. Screaming matches were common place. I witnessed/received a fare amount of domestic abuse at the hands of my step father. I developed depression, anxiety (which I still cope with) masochism, and spent most of my childhood in a suicidal state. My step father threw me out when I was 16. I dropped out of high school, picked up some bad habits, got arrested, etc... and basically had to claw my way back from all of that to become the happy and successful man I am today. My mother moved to a distant state when I was 18 and I don't see her anymore. After she left I stayed in contact with her for a wile but soon began to realize that A, the conversations were completely one sided and I rarely spoke at all wile on the phone with her, and that B, I resented her... a lot. Eventually I just stopped picking up the phone. I haven't really spoken to her in years. It's really painful for her so I feel some guilt and remorse. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just trying to emotionally punish her. I don't want to do that, but at the same time when we (she) talk on the phone I just get angry and sometimes I just hang up on her because I get tired of listening to her in silence for extended periods. I have tried to talk to her about my feelings and she just erupts in to a rage. Should I feel guilty? Should I try to reestablish communication? Is there anything to be gained? I do wish that she understood how I feel.

Its hard..I also recieved alot of abuse as a child from my father.A horrible amount.I feel my mother allowed it,did nothing to stop it or protect me,and looked at it as"better her then me".I still have quite the bit of contact with these people.They are in their 80s and I basically take care of them now with NO help from my many siblings.I cant say for you if re establishing contact will be healthy for you.Having contact with my family hasnt exactly been healthy for me.Guilt isnt good.I have been guilted by them,myself,and others over their care and keeping contact with them over the years.My mother denies every aspect of abuse that has happened.I guess facing the truth would be an admission of their failure as a parent and protector,and an admission that they put thheir selfish needs and wants first,not their child.If anything is brought up to my father,he goes into lavish rages....always did.Their rages are used as a tool.They know no one will confront them about anything because no one wants to deal with the raging,so its easier for everyone to go along with their sprite meaningless conversations that are based soley around themselves and their lives,then to upset their applecarts,and deal with the hiddeous screaming and false accusations..amongs their lies.

So my best advice to you would be for you to initiate the conversation.You call,instead of letting her have the opportunity.Set boundries and limitations to the contact you have,even if just over the phone.I dont advise bringing up the past,as she will deny the abuse anyways,and it will just anger and upset you more then even her.If the conversation starts getting sticky,dont hang up on her,just tell her you have to go.....It is useless trying to get answers from those type of people...They just deny it all.

And lastly,she,for what it is worth,is still your mother..Despite your horrible childhood,you might regret not having any contact with her once she is gone...But remember to put yourself above her needs.Afterall,thats what she origionally did.And if you feel yourself getting too triggered,cut off the contact,or keep it as limited as possible.And this is so important,dont answer the phone when she calls.You call,call when in a good state of mind,and keep the subjects neutral and conversations brief.

This is just my reply /opinion from past experience...I wish you peace and joy in life..XX