Sexual Abuse or Mistake?

I’m sorry for the long post but I really need help on a really serious issue. Please keep in mind that I came here for help not ridicule. What i’m about to tell you is a 100% real story that still haunts me to this day. I am at a breaking point and I truly need help.

So when I was 14, my cousin 7, I slept over at his house. I would sleep over at his house frequently when I was younger. Once day, we were playing in his bedroom and he decided to play “Rescue the princess”. Of course he wanted to be the hero, so I had no choice to be the princess. So we played our little game, had our fun, then the game ended. Now of course we all know the story. Hero rescues the princess, the princess owes the hero something, and they lived happily ever after. Anyways, my cousin told me that since he saved me, I we him something. So I asked him what he wanted and he replied “I want you to lick my b*lls”. I was really shocked at this statement because I have absolutely no idea where he could’ve learned what those words mean, or where he learned those words. I know that he couldn’t of gotten those words from me because I never talked like that around him. And he sure as hell knew what it meant because he began to tug at his pants. I tried to laugh it off saying “No.” and shrugged it off like he was just joking. When I said that, he began to touch my leg, and I told him to stop. he just looked at me and smiled.

I was going to tell him that I would tell his mom about what he was doing, but before opening my mouth I remembered that he lied about everything, and always got his way. So I didn’t say anything. Then a thought came to my mind where I thought “what if I don’t do what he wants and he ends up telling on me saying that “I was touching him?”” of course his mom would think that her innocent son would’t know what i was trying to do to him. then I would get in trouble. So in hoping that he would let all this go afterwards and move on with life, I agreed to to it. After about a minute, I told him thats enough then walked out of the room. We left it at that till a couple of days later.

I was sitting in his room watching T.V. with him. His mom was in the kitchen cooking lunch. he wen tout of his room for a quick sec, then came back in and shut the door (I didn’t know that he locked it until after I left the room). So we continued to watch T.V. when I noticed something touching my hand. I thought that it was the bed sheets brushing against the back of my hand so I just shifted and put my hands in my lap. Then a few minutes later, I feel something touching my leg. I turn to him and I notice that he is smiling at me. I tell him to stop it but he just said “Come on. if you do this to me for a little bit, i’ll do it to you”

Now, at my age back then, I was in the middle of going through puberty. I’m pretty sure that at this age, almost every boy experiences new “urges”, I admit that I was one of them. So since I was curious as to how it would feel, I nervously agreed. This lasted for about 5 minutes until I stopped and I left the room. we didn’t say anything about it until later that night at bed time. I had a bed prepared on the floor while he was in his bed. My aunt was saying good night to us when he asked “Mom, can I sleep on the floor too?”. His mom said yes, and my heart started to beat faster. I tried not to think about it and we all said goodnight to each other. my cousin and I had separate blankets, but we were pretty floe to each other. Nothing happened for 10 minutes so I thought he was asleep, so I began to close my eyes. A short while later, I felt my cousin shift. Thinking that he was just moving in his sleep, I didn’t think to much of it and tried to go back to sleep. When i started to doze off, I felt him shifting again, only this time I felt his hand enter my blanket. Thinking that he will leave my alone if I was “asleep” he would just give up and go to sleep as well. I was wrong. He started to take my hand and move it down his pants. I quickly pulled away and pretended that I was “shifting” this went on for about 10 more minutes until he finally gave up and went to bed.

There are many other instances where he would touch me, but I didn’t try to stop him because I knew that he could tell on me. This went on for almost a year until he finally stopped. We go on with our lives, acting normal like how every cousin should act. We don’t ever bring it up, which i’m scared will happen because now that he’s older (He’s now 11 and i’m 18) he might tell on me and get me into trouble, especially now that i’m an adult. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped, lost and confused. I don’t want to talk to my cousin about it and try to put everything behind because i’m scared that he might no remember anything until I bring it back up. If he forgets about it, then I wan’t it to stay that way, not just because I don’t want anyone else to know, but also because I just wan’t to forget about all of this and just live my life. I regret not taking action when this was occurring and now, It kills me everyday. I don’t want to feel like its all my fault. I’m not a child molester. Now that i’m more mature, and I know a lot more about sexual acts, I could and would NEVER even think about doing this to a child. I feel so bad and like its all my fault since i’m the older one. I feel like he took advantage of me, and now i’m scared that he will tell someone and make it look like I was the one who was making the advances. And now i’m scared because now that i’m an adult, I might be charged and go to jail. I swear i’m not a bad person, we were just young and stupid. My heart is beating right now just typing this. I don’t know what to do. I feel so stupid and sick. I have so much questions like “Will i get charged for something that happened in the past?” “If we were both underaged at the time, can I get charged for statutory rape?”. I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to my cousin, tell him how I feel then just forget about the whole thing and move on with life? But if i confront him, what if he tells on me or tell someone, then they think i’m the bad guy? Somebody please help me. I am not trolling, this is real life, and i’m in really scared.

I think it sounds like he needs some help and support and that you need to confess what happened

Cracked

I can see why you are struggling with this. Do you mind if I ask how long ago this was?
My concern here is that I truly believe your cousin was sexually abused. although that is the age where boys start to truly realize that they are boys and what that all means, he is definitely saying things that are a major cause for concern. This is something that should be brought to the attention of someone that you trust.

I am moving this to the Remorse forum which I think is a more appropriate place for it

I am leaving a shadow topic in place

Cracked

Children often experience at these young ages. I would definitely discuss with him if he had been sexually assualted. Even though kids at those ages experience things, to go that far, he must have been sexually abused.

-- Fri May 16, 2014 5:31 pm --

Children often experience at these young ages. I would definitely discuss with him if he had been sexually assualted. Even though kids at those ages experience things, to go that far, he must have been sexually abused.

Hi, focusing on your part in all this...

You're clearly not a bad person (there is no such thing as an entirely bad person IMO).

This is an unfortunate situation in which you were on the receiving end of someone else's advances. While it's true you should have been a lot firmer with your cousin at the time and put a stop to it once and for all, I understand that one thing lead to another and you were worried about him twisting it to make you look like the advancer.

You were 14, a child yourself, so I wouldn't worry about any serious legal repercussions. And it's not like you were manipulating him into touching you.

Don't worry! Just because something looks bad, and your mind makes an elaborate story of blame and regret out of it, doesn't mean the intentions were malicious or that any harm (on your part) was done.

Be at peace.

pixie23 wrote:I can see why you are struggling with this. Do you mind if I ask how long ago this was?
My concern here is that I truly believe your cousin was sexually abused. although that is the age where boys start to truly realize that they are boys and what that all means, he is definitely saying things that are a major cause for concern. This is something that should be brought to the attention of someone that you trust.

Hello. This was about 5 years ago now. And yes I know that is what I started thinking just recently. I will have a talk with him soon.

Thank you everyone for giving me some reassurance. I'm glad that some people see my side in all this. If I didn't come to this forum, I would've probably been hurting myself right now. I will talk to him about it and ask him to tell me if anything happened to him. I just want to put all this behind and move on. And I want the best for him, I hope that he will tell me the truth so I can help him too. Me Now being an adult, I hope that I've matured enough to face my problems and deal with the consequences. Thank you again, to all of you, for your support. I hope that you are true to your kind words. I can finally rest tonight! (: