I did something bad

When I was 18 I had a friend who was 14. I never felt she was younger then me or noticed the age difference. We both had never had experiences with boys and experimented on each other. We did it for a few months then stopped. Fourteen years later it has hit me that she was under age and I should have known better. I feel totally sick with guilt and shame. Everyday it is on my mind and I feel like a disgusting eveil person. We were last in touch eight years ago and it was never mentioned. I just feel sick with worry. I thought of going to the police but my husband thinks that is a very bad idea and unfair on her as she will not want it brought up. Please can somebody help me. I cannot get on with my life.

Sounds like you are in a somewhat similar place to me - I was 21 and my gf was 16/17 and it was only several years after the fact that I fully appreciated the illegality and wrongness of this - not having taken the issue of a 16-year-old being categorically unable to consent very seriously at the time on account of us both getting on so well and being similarly inexperienced.

If I knew how to reassure you or ease your mind from this, I absolutely would. It's strange how something can look so different from a later perspective, or simply a different framework. At the time, my relationship didn't feel, or maybe even look, like a case of an adult exploiting a child since I was so close to being a teenager myself... the 4-and-a-bit years didn't feel so major. I didn't think of a teenager of that age as a 'child'. Seemingly, neither did the friends and family members around us who condoned or encouraged the relationship. I think there is a disconnect between everyday language and the law sometimes. Child exploitation / abuse / paedophilia - the words transform one's conception, so you end up questioning the reality itself. The relationship didn't look or feel monstrously evil at the time... and while I now feel it was wholly inappropriate I still find it hard sometimes to think 'yes, I am a child abuser / rapist' because those words feel so extreme and the 'child victim' in this case, doesn't define herself as such.

The only thing I can say to reassure you - apart from the fact that I feel much the same - is that it *is important* that the younger party in your situation is seemingly happy, well-adjusted and has been able to move on with her life. I don't know if it would be best to contact her as it is her issue to deal with as she chooses and she may feel pressured into trying to help you alleviate your guilt. I have also thought about going to the police a great deal and have sometimes made concrete plans about doing so. However, when I brought up the issue via email with my ex a couple of years ago, she said, 'I'm not even really sure what legal action there would be to take' - she didn't really see me as having done anything illegal, even though she recognised that the relationship with such an age gap was a bad idea.

Have you talked to a therapist about this matter? That has helped me somewhat and I have also discussed the issue a great deal with my friends, though none of them take the matter quite as seriously as me and my last partner grew very sick and tired of hearing me discuss the issue. I hope your husband is tolerant, but if it's not too personal a question, does he get frustrated with you going over the issue?

I also have OCD, which may be partly responsible for the sheer amount of time I spend thinking about the matter. Is that a possibility for you?

Otherwise, the only things that have helped me are a handful of books and other such things. I'd really recommend Richard Holloway. Both Between the Monster and the Saint and On Forgiveness are remarkable and compassionate works.

I also find Maria Bamford's comedy oddly comforting:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFJ9bkcyBWs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCqDReW8f_s

Finally, from a legal perspective, there might be a statue-of-limitations or a close-in-age exemption that would cover you, depending on your state/ country. Obviously, that isn't really your concern since you have stated interest in turning yourself into the police, but that might be something. If you are British, I wonder if this has been triggered whatsoever by Project Yewtree and the cases against Jimmy Saville/ Max Clifford/ Rolf Harris etc. etc. If so, it's worth remembering that these men were a decade - or sometimes several - older than their victims, who chose themselves to bring these cases to court due to trauma. These men were in positions of power and had little romantic or emotional interest or compassion for the young women and girls they targeted. You do not sound like them.

Thank you very much for the reply. I am in the UK and you are right that the celebrity stories were a trigger. I have borderline personality disorder which could bed why I keep reliving this.

My husband is so supportive and kind. I never thought to discuss this when I had therapy as it only recently occurred to me.

You are right. It would be unfair to contact her to help my guilt.

I really do not think what you did was wrong. She was over sixteen which is legal in the UK. She was fully consenting and she does not appear to have any regrets. I wish you would free yourself from the guilt you are feeling.

That you for your supportive words - I also wish the same for you.

The fact is, that in the state of America I was in, a 16-year-old cannot consent. It is sometimes frustrating to think that if the relationship had occurred in Britain or in 2/3rds of the states, it would have been legal (some states set the AoC at 16 or have a close-in-age-exemption of 5 years, which would have my relationship and, indeed, your own) but the law is the law and doesn't allow much wiggle room.

Morality is a little different. However, even in spite of the law, I *do* think my relationship with my ex was inappropriate. She was simply too young for a relationship with someone older than herself and I believe she was confused about what she wanted. Towards the end of the relationship she was no longer wholly comfortable with being intimate and, I believe, acquiesced to my advances, rather than enthusiastically consenting, as she had done in the earlier days of our being together. The one time she told me to 'stop' I did so and we never had intercourse without clear verbal consent. However, one time (which I have recounted in other threads, so I'll keep it brief here) I touched her in a violatory way after she had said she was just in the mood to cuddle. Texan law would make no distinction between that act and all the times that were enthusiastically consent to, or indeed initiated, by my ex, which does seem wrong - basically, if we had started being sexual IRL just a couple of weeks later, none of the above would have been illegal (since there was no threat, restraint, intoxication or force), even though 'sex' in our relationship covers a spectrum from the emotionally positive and enthusiastically agreed to, all the way to the emotionally negative and unenthusiastically acquiesced to. I find this confusing as I feel I should experience legitimate guilt due to the latter, but far less guilt over the wealth of experiences that seemed very positive and healthy, in spite of their illegality.

So, I do think my ex probably regrets the relationship - however, she has made it very clear that she does not feel traumatised or consider herself a victim of child abuse. Rather, that I became a pushy jerk and it made her really uncomfortable. For her, that's the extent of what happened. She is no longer hurt and had explicitly states that she feels that I no longer owe her anything. She's long moved past the relationship.

I told my story on a feminist community online and got the following (edited for brevity because the poster discussed some intimate stuff that isn't so relevant here) response:

Don't bother your ex with this any more, that's one really important thing you can do for her. I'm assuming that turning yourself in to the authorities would involve you telling them who you did it to, which would mean she would be involved when she doesn't want to be, and she's told you as such, but I kind of wish you hadn't asked her and just had left the whole thing alone because now you are making her think about what you should do and that's really not her responsibility ... If you did turn yourself in I doubt you would get charged with any crime anyway because convictions are really hard to get due to a lot of factors (like the fact that most people would probably think what you did was ok, even if you now don't) and I bet part of you wants that because not being convicted would make it seem better, like you didn't actually do anything wrong. But that wouldn't be true.

As for the girl who assualted me, we are still in touch (we were friends for a long time, I care about her because I never got out of the habit of doing so, and I want her to have a good life, as long as its separate from mine. Note, that does not apply to how anyone else should or does feel about their abuser, my story is my own and their stories are theirs, so please don't use my saying that as an indication of how any other survivor feels), but if she ever came to me asking what she should do about the assault now, I would be livid. I don't want her to make it about herself. She was selfish in touching me when I didn't want to when we were teens, and it would be her being selfish again to do so. I hope to god she never, ever does.

Finally my advice to you: in the UK Graham Norton runs an advice column in a newspaper, dealing with relationship and family situations, and his advice to people asking him whether they should confess that they cheated on their partner is always no, don't tell them. Instead, he tells the letter writer that their guilt is their punishment that they have to live with, rather than hurting their partner by telling them. I'm not 100% sure I agree with him about cheating in relationships, but I really think his advice applies in your situation- you have to live with your guilt. And you must not make your ex deal with any of that guilt, or any other sexual abuse survivor.

Now, my ex doesn't seem to identify herself as an abuse survivor, so I don't want to put words into her mouth, but at the very least it is the case that she was the victim of my unwanted sexual advances late in the relationship and found herself in a position in which she could not easily say 'NO' since she was young, confused, and anxious not to hurt my feelings through breaking up with me. In your case, there is no indication that the 14-year-old was whatsoever unhappy or uncomfortable with what happened between you. I do reckon that the age difference was veering towards the inappropriate and that the law remains the law (although it is worth remembering that there are many, many unjust laws in the world, such as the criminalisation of homosexuality in Russia, or stoning for adultery - I don't think that these examples are quite the same, but even so, the law isn't always the sole arbiter of truth and values) however I also think that nothing would be helped by you going to the police and that you really ought to cut yourself some major slack. You sound like an earnest and contrite person, who likely hasn't hurt anyone and, though you broke the law, the small age difference would mean that you would probably have been given a suspended sentence at worst. I hope you can see the distinction between yourself and the celebrities on the news, because you're really nothing like them.

As for myself, I have to learn to deal with my guilt and continue living despite. I've certainly learnt from my mistakes, now put lots of effort into helping out the British charity Sexpression and generally doing a lot of voluntary work, and make sure that my girlfriend is always 100% comfortable with our sexual interactions, which tend far more toward cuddling, than anything else. I think that even if behaviour or a crime carries a great stigma, it is worth remembering that you have not destroyed the life of anyone else and, as such, you have a right to life. It may not always be happy or free from guilt and anxiety, but it can still be a life worth living.

Stay strong

Thank you for such a detailed and thoughtful reply. I think you are right that there is no point me going to the police. I was only eighteen but I keep thinking of me now and not the young person I was. I feel so guilty and am really struggling. It is the first thing I think about when I wake up. I feel like an abuser for allowing it to happen. She made the first moves but she was just a child and I should have known better. I never appreciated how young she was and just felt we were the same age. I have to just live with this guilt and it is so hard. I wish I could escape my thoughts.

I understand all you have said about your situation but my opinion is still the same. Your relationship was open and everybody else approved it. I wish you could put it behind you. You deserve to live your life and to be free.

I was only eighteen but I keep thinking of me now and not the young person I was. I feel so guilty and am really struggling. It is the first thing I think about when I wake up. I feel like an abuser for allowing it to happen. She made the first moves but she was just a child and I should have known better. I never appreciated how young she was and just felt we were the same age.

Very much relate to this... even though I often feel guilty just reminding myself that she initiated the relationship, considering her age.

I do think that part of the problem is that the older you get, the younger the age of the younger party actually seems. At 18, you weren't so far away from 14. At 21, I wasn't so far away from 16. However, years down the line, teenagers seem so very young. At least, it's clear that neither of us would act on such impulses again. At 27, I don't even find 16-year-olds attractive and find it creepy that the media sexualises young performers like Lorde. I imagine you, as a person in her 30s, also feel much the same.

Guilt is odd because it ties you to a past you can feel increasing disconnected from. The brain keeps growing and developing until approximately 25. In a very real sense, you are not the same person that you were at 18 and neither am I. However, all the logic in the world can't really undo such intense feelings.

All the same, you honestly have my best wishes and I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that you are not alone in feeling as you do.

I think you hit the nail on the head. The older we get the worse it seems. To me people in their twenties are so young. I am 32 and the youngest I would date somebody is 30. Even 18 is a child really so I should not be so upset about my actions as I was just that age when it happened.

I appreciate your replies so much. Thank you for taking the time and trouble to write to me. I wish you the best too and I really hope you can forgive yourself.

You too. And I appreciate your kind words.

If you ever want to private message me about this (or even Skype) please do so. If seems we are in similar boats, at least psychologically speaking. Sometimes being able to talk to someone who relates helps.

these seem like shot gun marriages about to happen. you spoiled my baby and now you have to be a man. of course i am from the country where there is some differrence in ages most of the time. i mark this up as a differenctce in the level of maturity between men and women.
needless to say we have laws and they must be observed. if not then the result is someone being called a pettifile (a dirty word for a natural reaction). now when you stat talking about a diffenence between junior high then there becomes a problem. i n the end, remember the rules and abide by them. then you will not have to live livelong hidden lifes.

sprock wrote:You too. And I appreciate your kind words.

If you ever want to private message me about this (or even Skype) please do so. If seems we are in similar boats, at least psychologically speaking. Sometimes being able to talk to someone who relates helps.

Thank you so much. You are so kind.