I fear being an abuser [edited and shortened] *May Trigger*

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to report a clear straight to the point version of my first post about my story. After reading a few more post that were more thought out and to the point I realized how long and may confusing my earlier post is.

For those of you who attempted to read it, thank you. I would really like more advice and thoughts on my story. I feel like I am becoming a monster out of control. My "obsession" still haunts me and is hard to break. I tried many things to break my worse habits but that's another post if you readers are interested. Anyway, here is a brief description of my story.

NOTE TO PREVIOUS READERS: I left out a few things from the long post believe or not so bare with me while I go over what you already read.

My story
I was introduced to sex by somewhere around 4-5 years old. I was not abused at this age physically but in retrospect I see porn at this age as some form of indirect abuse, if that makes sense. Every since then I watched porn almost daily.

Through the years I've managed to hide this porn "obsession" from my parents but became very open about watching it with my male friends and trying my best to apply it with female friends. Growing up with a religious family bound me to catholic school all the way through high school. This environment limited my ability to experience sex especially because of the guilt religion naturally delivers. I say this because while I was still very young I knew what I was doing was wrong as far as sin goes but my curiosity pushed me too far.

My lack of success with girls my age in school led me to turn towards my own family. I started with my younger and older female cousins at when I was 6-10 and sporadically with the younger one as I got older. I only kissed and masturbated with them until I thought I wanted more and didn't receive it. So I moved on to make my own experiences. (Please remember I literally watched porn daily and to this day still watch porn every so often. It's habit for me at this point and feel weird and anxious if I don't watch it or masturbate.)

After watching so many porn videos my hunger for the real thing grew uncontrollably and gave into it early. When I was 10 I started to molest my aunts and older sister(6 years my elder) in their sleep. I would wait until everyone went to bed and took this chance to experience their body. After two years of this snooping around, I needed more. By far the worst decision of my life and possibly the same to save it happened next.

I started to wait until my sister would fall into a deep sleep and finger her. I sought every chance I can get to do this. I started to enjoy it too much and went further. At 12 I lost my virginity to my sister while she slept. Every so often I I would have sex with her - I'm so disgusted with myself. This continued until she woke up in the middle of it when I was 15. She started slowly waking up but I didn't notice; I kept going. When she started to move I jumped back and hooped in my bed praying she wouldn't notice. She obvious felt strange when she woke up and asked if I was up and what I was doing in fear of the truth. I turned to her and started to cry and said I'm sorry.

That night I disowned myself from my family. My dad told me that if I were anyone else he doesn't know what he would have done to me and probably beat me to death. (My parents are great parents and despite my wrongs they have given me more than I ever deserve in this lifetime). When I say I disowned myself this is only how I feel, and I still feel this way.

Every since that day I have been emotionally shut out from the world. Through high school I suffered with depression without realizing it. I still would watch porn only out of habit. I felt so much rage with myself that I would seek out more and more violent porn. I have seen so much porn that nothing phases me anymore.

I'll stop here. I have much more to share if anyone will listen. I find writing this all out helps me vent a little. This is the first time I was able to express my guilt and sins. I have abandoned my faith since the incident and have been on a self destructing path. I use to abuse drugs and alcohol but luckily have stopped the heavy use now. I sometimes have thoughts of suicide but I know this isn't the answer and believe I have so much to bring to this world.

Thank you for reading and please comment. I'm open to hear literally anything, don't hold your tongue.

Hi

I am going to move this to the Remorse Forum as it is more appropriate there but leave a shadow topic in place.

In terms of advice- this sounds like you certainly have some comple issues going on and that your childhood had an impact on you probably causing you to act out. However these are just my thoughts. Given how extreme the behaviour was I think I would strongly advise you to talk to a therapist about all of this and to try to get to the bottom of what is going on with them. It is a shame this was not done when you were younger but I think it is better late than never. please try no to beat yourelf up too much as there likely are reasons why you have done this behaviour and hopefully addressing these will help but I do think it is really important that you talk to someone professional about this- even if it seems really difficult to.

You can heal from all of this but it does sound like you need help

Cracked

I'm going to have to agree with Cracked on this.

This is beyond what a mere forum can help with. We;ll talk with you, but a professional needs to be involved.

The fact that you were acting sexually at a very young age really shows that something that happened really constitutes abuse, and add to that you need porn so regularly starting when really young seems to show that too. At this point, I don't think you should dabble with religion, because depending on who you end up around, they can push you to just another extreme. It will take time to work through all of this and to find forgiveness for yourself and from your family.

Really, it sounds like your entire family should be getting help. The fact that your parents didn't pick up on anything doesn't seem right. Plus, your sister is going to have her own demons to deal with from this.

How did you end up seeing porn at such a young age?

I don't mean any of this to be an insult.

@TheGimp: you and Cracked are right. I do need to get help because I know that there is something deeply wrong with me. I cannot make any logical since of why I did what I did and I know it is WRONG. I fight myself weekly trying to get past it. I am seeking professional help but I need one I can afford.

About how I started watching porn at such a young age, my 6 years older cousin showed it to me and we used to watch it when we were at my grandmothers house. From then on I was hooked.

All I can say about it all now is that like any addiction I need to wash this from my mind and body through professional help and guidance. At the moment I am very aware of my condition and control myself very well. I just need to let go of my past and learn to live a more functional life.

Hi again

It can be difficult finding professional help which is affordable. Please dont give up tho - you will find someone and it is so important that you do.

Please take good care

Cracked