Horrible feeling that my life is over because of my past

Hello everyone..

This is my first time posting these issues I have, and hope that someone will make comments.
First of all, english is not my first language, so hopefully I will be able to explain myself and make it understandable for you to understand.

I am a 23 year old woman, diagnozed with OCD since 13 years of age..

It started almost two years ago, where I got this horrible feeling inside of me telling that I had done one huge mistake in my past, that I somehow had to make up for it, and my life could never be complete before I had made up for it.
Naturally I started compensating for this so-called mistakes and started confessing to one person.
I've been seeing different therapists and they all agree that it is not as bad as I am convinced it is, however I feel this is the worst thing one human could ever do, even though I know in my mind that it is to much to obsess about this for almost two years.

I get this feeling that my life is over and ruined, and there's nothing I can do to make up for it. NOT even confessing which I tried several times, even went to the police station three times all just to be sent back home with no charges!

It's not like I want to be punished, but I NEED to be forgiven, and I do feel like I have already forgiven myself, which is good, but it's NOT enough, I feel like I NEED EVERYONE'S forgiveness, which is not possible since I do not get any kind of relieve by confessing to my parents, therapists not even the police!

So basically I feel hopeless everyday, feeling that I have marked my life forever, and there's no going on because no matter how many times I confess, I never feel like its enough, and I NEED some kind of closure/forgiveness/punishment, which obviously I'm never gonna get since I tried for two years.


I cant stop thinking there's more to this then OCD, I do realize that the confessing part is quite typical OCD, but that intense feeling of my life is OVER, feeling of dying slowly inside, losing interest in everything you use to love because the only thing I have on my mind is how my life is ruined because I can never change what happened, which according to therapists and others I have confessed to is not anything of importance, but to me it is, I truly believe I'm gonna die from this one day, that someday my body is gonna give up and just shut down, afterall I wouldnt be my body.

I hope that someone has any comments here, It would be great to get some feedback.

Note. I do therapy already and I'm not on any kind of medication.

Thank you!

I relate to this immensely. My temptation is to point you in the direction of my own crime to prove that I'm 'worse' or more irredeemable than you, but I don't think that's helpful. I've also had every therapist tell me that I'm judging myself way too harshly; emailed and confessed to countless bloggers and writers I respect; told all my friends; even had my 'victim' tell me that I owe her nothing and that she wants me to move on and have a happy, productive life. But none of this has really changed that essential feeling of being doomed; cut off from humanity; tainted forever.

And I don't know how to stop it. If I knew I promise I would tell you immediately. But at least know that you are not alone in your feeling. You aren't alone. Your thread really chimes with me because we were diagnosed with OCD around the same age (though I'm three or so years older than you). It used to be that I felt that rubbish (sweet wrappers; bin bags; waste food; etc.) were unclean and dirty and carried the aura of taintedness. When I touched these things I'd have to wash my hands obsessively and then I would be clean. Even since I began obsessing over that one act (and I've tried to detail precisely and honestly over several other threads) I can't escape that feeling of taintedness - it's like it has become me. As though *I* am the trash.

This slightly cruel but very accurate sketch from Wonder Showzen gets it about right:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fREu-HCIEEg

It's really hard and I certainly haven't managed it, but I think when you have OCD you have to realise that you aren't the best judge of your own worth, moral or otherwise. I suspect that even if every last person in the world told me that I wasn't a monster, I'd still believe it to be true in my heart.

CBT has never really worked for me and I've had some unfortunate experiences with therapists in recent years, but I promise, that if I find a solution, I'll get right back to you... the only thing that works for me if the love of my incredibly supportive and remarkable girlfriend and sometimes attending Quaker meeting. I don't really believe in God, but it's a very non-judgemental and compassionate environment and mostly everyone just sits quiet and still for an hour. If you live anywhere near a meeting hour, it might be worth trying (honestly, I'm not trying to convert or anything - but I don't find the meditative aspect of it genuinely helpful).

Please stay strong.

I don't know if this will be of any help, but I'll put it out there. As someone who can deeply relate to this feeling of "life being over" during intense feelings of guilt, regret, remorse, I only have one choice...

Let it be over.

End who I thought I was. Sounds crazy right? But people do it every day - people who have come to realize that who they think they are is shaped by something malleable and ultimately dissoluble - the ego self.

The new me will have a significantly reduced ego, and therefore not emotionally identify so much with things like past, future and attachment to objects of desire. The new me will live as fully in the present moment as possible, further weakening the power of the past to dictate my sense of identity. The new me will not judge people, only circumstances, and will always show understanding and compassion for others. The new me will be more of an observer of life and less submersed in life.

The new me will not fear losing anything that does not threaten survival, since one day all will be lost anyway. The new me will harness the ability to focus the mind on practical tasks such as work, problem solving and creative pursuits. The new me will still be able to "play" by reaching for the mask of ego as and when it is needed (i.e. social situations), but will know that, at any time, that false identity can be dropped, revealing the true self underneath. The new me will let go of pride, and therefore its opposite, shame, will also dissolve.

This will take time (maybe years), as it has the many who have sought this dissolution. There is a lot to be unravelled.

Perhaps such an extreme measure will not be necessary for you, but for me I have no choice. I am fed up of my past crippling my present. I am sick of my mind being a prison. It's time to let go of who I was, because whoever that was is who committed the misdeeds that are slowly eating away at me from the inside, and needs to die.

Suicide? No, this is egocide! It's far slower and more painful

That was a great message and it makes me feel motivated to really try at meditation (I have Barry Long's practical guide, which seems good). I would also incidentally note that all of Walt's problems in Breaking Bad could have been avoided if he had done what you suggest and let go of pride round about episode 3 of series 1.

Thanks Sprock I'll take a look at Barry Long.

The good thing is that science is compatible with much of this nondualistic understanding of philosophy and spirituality and they both strengthen one another. Both shatter the illusion that mind and matter are separate entities. Everything comes and goes, is created and destroyed, but there is a space, a totality, in which all this happens. It's that space that I believe these teachers try to get you in touch with.

Eckhart Tolle. Adyashanti, Alan Watts and Gangaji are four teachers that have really opened my eyes to this approach. Gangaji especially is very blunt, some might say cold in her revealing of how things are. She does not sugar coat our existence and therefore makes you realise that fear and hope are futile - everything is already lost to the destructive dynamic of time and a non-caring universe, so just be willing to let go at any time. The film Fight Club touches surprisingly well on this ("It's only when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything").

Of course, just knowing that fear and all its manifestations are futile does not make the fear go away immediately - there's years, nay, generations of genetic and social conditioning to peel away.

Best start peelin'.

Thank you both so much for your replies. - and sorry this late replypost..

Sprock, I could really relate to what youre writing, I do think the thoughts I have regarding 'its all over, why even try, when I have to live with this for the rest of my life, I deserve this and no matter how many times I confess I will never come to peace with it' ect, that you know these kind of thoughts without even knowing your story.
It's so frustrating thinking no matter what I do, it can not get any better. I mean people do make mistakes, and according everyone else, my 'so called mistake from my past' isnt event that bad, ad least nothing to feel bad about(no bad is not even the word/scared to death and suicidal about at times) It's so out of proportion, even I can see that, and can I ask you, do you feel like your emphasis on what bothers you, is out of proportion or do you deeply believe it is in its right to take up all this time from you?
Any how Im in group therapy at the moment, and I'm scared to death about talking about this in public. I cant even wright it here where im anynomous, so by telling a bunch of people(in a place where people are obligated not to tell anyone else about whats being sad during therapy though) stilll it freaking me out, im afraid people will judge me, afraid theyre gonna look at me at some kind of criminal Thank you again sprock!

Epiphany, that was a very interesting reply fro tue. aprl. 8, esp. that sentence:
"The new me will not fear losing anything that does not threaten survival, since one day all will be lost anyway". That really helped me during my exam last week. you see I tend to give these issues I have with remorse, guilt and ocd anxiety, the blame for me not being able to do well in my degree. I'm allmost finished my study, so I cant help myself compare it to how it used to be when I started, I was happy and had trust in myself. Anyhow today I feel all this is ruining my school, and I feel like a nobody cause its soooo hard to focus in school, esp. during examination, where I should be focusing on doing well instead of dwelling about past mistakes.. However your line up there, helped me during exam week, because I try to compensate by working too much because I feel that If I dont work way too much no teachers will give me any good grade, because I believe Im kind of useless at the moment. It helped me realize that no matter what I did, how much work I performed it will still just be me being judged, and I spend my time trying to harmonize myself isnetad, mentally preparing myself by walking, runnning and spending time on me sport, which I normally skip during exam weeks because Im waaaay to busy!! This time I didnt, and still it went fine, dont think I could have done it any better.. Yes I had thoughts about my life being over in the classroom during examination, but I kind of accepted it as it was
Thank you for that..

I'm really glad that what I wrote helped, even if only a little.

do you feel like your emphasis on what bothers you, is out of proportion or do you deeply believe it is in its right to take up all this time from you?

That changes depending on what I've been reading or my mood my generally, I think. Sometimes I feel I should think about what I did all of the time since any lapse in that attentiveness is cutting myself undeserved slack, whereas other times I focus more on what other people have said to me (including the victim herself) and feel that I am inflating the issue and that my guilt is only useful in as much as it has caused me to reflect, ensured that I will never repeat the same behaviour and has prompted me towards volunteer work and greater compassion.

Basically, if I think about things in a functional way and about how the people around me and my ex-girlfriend actually feels about the matter, I calm down considerable... however sometimes I feel that 'punishment' and 'corruption' are these great powerful things in and of themselves, even if they aren't being useful and that justice, irrespective of everything else, is the highest truth. I sort of vacillate between those two positions.

I keep myself alive though by reminding myself that I have not killed anyone nor ruined anyone's life (according to the victim/ survivor) and that, as such, I still deserve to life and that there are things in the world (breathing the air; feeling the warmth of the sun) which I do not believe belong to anyone and so exist for all people, no matter if they are bad or good.