Have I violated minors? Not sure.

Long story short: I don't know how to feel about five events in my life. I feel good about never directly having molested children or contributed to the molestation of children by paying patronage to live-action child porn despite my mental illness (NOT pedophilia: that, in my mind, is the action of child molestation and not the mental illness itself. However, this is my personal viewpoint that applies to my mind; I have no issue with people who define the term differently, this is just to provide context for this post and my feelings). I've managed to make sure this mental illness manifests in ways that don't reach out into actual molestation of others, but there are five cases in my past that make me feel extreme anxiety; have I crossed that line of irredeemability? Have I, somewhere along the line, become what I abhor; a child molester? Have my actions caused innocent children to feel violated in that horrible way?

I will try to include my thoughts on the matter as coherently as possible, even though this is about the feelings and experiences of potential victims and not me. It feels necessary, so please bear with me.

Anyway, the events are as follows:


- Case 1: While I was walking down the street, a child passed me by. I turned to look at her as she walked away, and for a fleeting moment, my mind focused on her butt. I managed to shake this off almost instantaneously, though. (I feel the least anxiety about this.)

- Case 2: When walking down the street (different street, different day), I noticed a little girl walking away. I looked at her for a while as she walked away, and for a few moments of that time, my mind focused on her butt, causing me to focus my eyes to it. Eventually, I walked away. (This is more anxious; the girl, I think, didn't notice me, but does that mean that she was not violated?)

- Case 3: One day on the Internet, looking at a website featuring non-genuine erotica featuring underage incest (I hate it and find it a disgusting habit, but I have accepted that this is a way that my mental illness manifests and I believe it truly harms no one if no real underage people are violated, exploited or molested), I came across a pornographic photograph of a real person who looked 16 or younger. I did not report it, but I didn't masturbate to it either; I avoided it as best I could. (I have no way of discerning whether this person was of age or not; she was petite, but then again, the size of a person does not automatically determine their age... I want to believe that the person in the photo was of age, but is that plausible?)

- Case 4: In the past, before I became more mindful of myself and the issues of my mind, I would go to websites that featured stories of mutual masturbation experiences and masturbate to stories where underage people were having sexual contact with adults. Now, I know that it is distinctly possible that those stories were, in fact, fiction; however, if they were real, how am I to feel? Even though the ones who wrote them are possibly of age as I write this, I cannot shake the thought that by doing what I did, I have disgustingly exploited the real traumas and tragedies of real sufferers of sexual molestation and abuse.


I realize that this is just getting hung up on things that might, ultimately, be meaningless in the circle of life; however, I just need closure right now. Sorry for dumping yet another whining ventpost on you guys. I have to post this now; it has been sitting in my text folder for weeks.

hi

The things you describe here to my mind dont suggest you have molested a child - however I would seek help or consider seeking help about viewing the images you are looking at - I worry that this could be a slippery slope for you. But i will reiterate I do not believe you have molested anyone yourself. The picture of the ?underage girl is the main worry to me here but you did not get sexual gratification from it and you ignored it which is something. I do think it would be worth talking to someone about viewing the images tho as I said.

Cracked

Thanks for bearing with my neurotic ventposts, Cracked.

- The photo of the girl... I don't really know if I should let myself feel too good about ignoring it. On one hand, I do feel sort of proud of myself for not falling down that pit, but on the other, I feel that one should not be proud of basic human decency. What further complicates manners is that, as I previously stated, I have no idea whether the person in the photo was actually an adult or not. I study at uni, and I have frequently seen women of that size walking around on campus, so it would not be entirely impossible that the woman in the photo was of age. However, if she wasn't, then does it really matter that I did not masturbate to the photo? I did not report the picture, I gave the site that hosted the picture traffic, which, if the person was underage, was basically condoning sexual exploitation of minors...
Since I have no evidence either way, I've been just trying to believe that the person was of age and no true harm has been done or condoned. However, am I even allowed to?

- As for the "looking at fabricated material" part, I have already grudgingly come to terms with it. I'm not happy about it and I try to resist it when I can (since I became more mindful, I have had periods when I have been able to stop myself from viewing this non-genuine material; right now, three days and counting ), but I'm also strangely relieved that this mental bug only extends to harmless-to-others fabrication, if that makes sense.

I think that with the picture you are right - you have no way of knowing if she was of age or not. As such I dont think there is anything you can do about it as you just dont know.

In terms of the other images I think it is god they are no harm ones but do be careful it does not slip

Cracked

Um...Im sorry if Im being thick....but I don't know what you are worrying about. Yes, I agree with the point about not encouraging looking at pictures....but you looked at a minor. That is not a crime, whatever your thoughts were. Looking is not touching, unless you create a peephole into someones bathroom or something. Men look at me all the time in a sexual way, doesn't mean they have 'violated' me.

So what you're saying is that as long as the thoughts don't leap out of my brain and molest anyone, just looking at someone is not molestation?