A Worry

Hi

I think it is good you have spoken to your counsellor about this. I am inclined to agree with their assessment of the situation. I agree it is a bit of an odd thing to do but I think your counsellor is right and I think I would urge you not to beat yourself up about this too much.

Cracked

I think I would try to let it go - and esp since your counsellor thinks it is OK too

Cracked

hi again

It sounds to me like this is more of the searching for things to beat yourself up about - def need to work on this as it must be so difficult the way things are atm for you.

As an aside if both your accounts are still active can you PM me with one to deactivate as you cann only have one account per person - just let me know

Anyhow back to this, I think that the key here is going to be wrking on the need to find things you did which were bad and why this is - stuff to do with how you feel about yourself and also the way your thinking works. Seeing a counsellor is good for this.

Please try to give yourself a break

Cracked

It sounds like these thoughts are almost getting obsessive for you - is that something your counsellor has touched on at all - forgive me if I have already asked this. I think it could be good to get a professional opinion on the obessive side of things if you have not done already

Cracked

I certainly relate to this frustration - I swing between feeling glad that old school friends who did similar (sharing underage videos; some groping - basically what you've detailed) don't agonize over their behaviour in the way that I do on a daily basis with my own, to wanting to confront them all over Facebook and real life, to force them to deal with the fact that many of them are technically child abusers and pornographers.

I also wonder why I am unable to 'let go' of my relationship with a 16/ 17-year-old after 5 years when I even know someone who at 25 had a relationship with someone that age. Indeed, my aunt's first husband was 25 to her 15 when they first started dating. One of my dear uni friends started dating her husband when she was 16 and he was 26 and I've never had the heart to tell her how inappropriate I think this is (nor would she listen, of course - as far as I can tell, she's happily married!) I feel a lot of people have either experienced abuse or perpetuated abuse without having labelled it as such.

I find it very sad, frustrating and anger-inducing to think that my utterly lovely girlfriend's rather repellent and abusive ex-boyfriend completely frames their relationship as though he were some poor exploited victim, to the extent that this narrative has been accepted online, despite the fact that he treated her very badly during their relationship. She wouldn't be comfortable with me giving any details, but she definitely had a really hard time of it and it makes me very sad that even an apology or some recognition of his own behaviour would help her heal a lot of wounds and yet he absolutely refuses to see himself as anything but sinned-against.

In fact, I have several female friends who suffered abuse in past relationships and the impression I have of all of these ex-boyfriends is that they view themselves as "nice" guys... the idea that they might be abusers, harassers or rapists, would never even cross their minds, it seems.

The problem is, legal definitions are often shifting and more ad hoc. than they first appear. Academic and medical sources use their own definitions of abuse. Regarding child pornography, TBH I don't know whether your images would count... I think not (or, at least, you wouldn't be prosecuted) but it is hard to say. Try not to worry too much though, if you can.

I promise you that you are. I'm telling you now that you're blowing this out of proportion. As I've said, I sincerely doubt that the images you created would be classified as child pornography... obviously, don't go making such images now (not that you would!) but if Thora Birch could be legally topless in American Beauty at 16 and Miley could have fashion shots taken in Vanity Fair back when she was 15 with her back to the camera, but her looking round, with the implication being that she was topless and these are both examples of mainstream culture, then I wouldn't worry. Nudity and states of undress are tricky when it comes to defining pornography because such images might be used in a sexual way, but if the subjects of the photos aren't engaged in any sexual activity, then it could be argued that the photos aren't necessarily pornographic in and of themselves... it is a blurry line and I imagine it comes down to the discretion of the state/ expert witnesses when such a case comes before a court.

Also, I think it is important that you regret this behaviour and wouldn't repeat it... at least you haven't written a whole book trying to justify yourself like Luke Bozier because, y'know, you're a decent person.

It's depressing and unpleasant - sometimes I do think that our generation is worse than previous ones, but then, I'm sure lots of exploitation, abuse and coercion happened in previous decades. I really do think that the people in your examples have far more to feel guilty over than you do, though. Honestly.

Yes - precisely! They honestly wouldn't.

As for getting on with things - do you have any creative projects on the go?

Honestly, please discuss with with a therapist - it sounds like you're getting mired in serious anxiety and depression and you really don't deserve what you're doing to yourself, especially as I'm not even convinced that the images you produced would be classified as child pornography. I'm 99.9% sure you wouldn't be reported to the police (my mum is a counsellor and she has only ever reported one person to the authorities and though I don't know the details, I know that it was a very serious case of clear and present danger). I've talked about all my concerns with a therapist about having committed statutory rape against a 16-year-old and she hasn't reported me (perhaps because I live in Britain where 16 is the age of consent, but also because she doesn't see the crime nearly as seriously as I do).

Also, the public can see in greater nuance and degrees than I tend to give them credit for. I mean, I saw loads of support of Kaitlyn Hunt online who did far, far worse than you. I mean, she was even offered a plea bargain under which she would have been kept off the register and wouldn't have had to serve any time.

*Trigger warning for discussion of child pornography*

I really do think it's a problem of language. Looking at pictures of 17-year-olds in bikinis is certainly not advisable and perhaps should be illegal (although, if so, the tabloid media really needs to be held for legal accountability because they constantly print such content under the 'guise' of news - for instance, some of the news coverage afforded to young Lorde). However, it seems absurd to categorise this alongside, say, watching films of 6-year-olds being violently raped. I honestly think that at least 95% of people would recognise this.

In a sense, the law does recognise this, since clearly the two crimes above would be charged very differently. One sentence would be far longer than the other (and rightly so!) However, it only has so many words for crimes. There are technically 'degrees' of abuse and rape. However, I know a lot of victims and victim advocates hate such language as they argue this minimalizes the seriousness of certain kinds of rape and abuse and undermines the message that *rape is rape*. That said, I'm sure even the vast, vast majority of these people would say that you need to be less harsh on yourself.

As you've said yourself, you're looking for reasons to hate yourself. Try to think about why this might be? Where is this anxiety all stemming from?

JHock wrote:I've never harmed anybody, and yet I'm feeling this bad. I've never downloaded anything criminal, so I don't have to worry about that, I've never 'been with' anybody in an illegal or abusive way. Nobody out there in the world is harmed, psychologically or physically, because of me. I've no 'bad urges. I've no concerns about being a paedophile. But I'm still rooting around for sexual guilts.

Precisely - and I'm really glad you recognise this!

Repeat that paragraph to yourself and think about how many people you know who *have* done one of those things and the friendliness and compassion you feel towards them in comparison to yourself. Realise how unfair that is on you. Also, do please discuss the matter in your next therapy session. Is it coming up soon?

I'm glad you had a nice time with your family and I'm entirely sure that you don't seem rotten to your girlfriend. She's probably just worried about you. Also, as you said, I sincerely doubt you did this at uni. You've not done anything illegal or harmful. You're in the clear!!