I molested my cousin, my happiness is forfeit

I only remembered it a little over a month ago, I am 21. When it happened, I was likely 13 and my cousin was 2. All I remember was having watched way more pornography than I should have, I became curious about what I saw (it disgusts me to think about it, and I can't remember exactly why I did it... what was I curious about? I just know I did it out of some sort of curiosity, I wasn't trying to... pleasure her or myself). But we were alone in my room, and I reached over and touched her crotch over the diaper (or pants, I can't remember, it was over the clothes). I'm not sure if I rubbed or moved my fingers or anything, but I wasn't pushing or trying hard (god, this is disgusting). It can't have been for more than a few seconds, then I stopped and for some reason forgot about it until recently when I then realized the implications of what I did. I dont remember her giving any indication that she felt anything, maybe she saw my arm and was confused or something. I have not done anything else even remotely like that, I have never even thought about things like that, and until now I thought I was a decent person who deserved love and respect. At first I couldn't comprehend it, it seems so unlike me that I wondered if it was a dream! But that doesn't change the fact that I had molested her. Ever since I suddenly remembered it and realized that what I did counts as molestation, my outlook on my life, my soul, and what I morally am allowed to have is all shot.
My cousin and I have a great relationship, she brags about me sometimes to her friends and even made me and my ex a present when we were still together. Now I don't know how to face her.
Because I suddenly remembered it years after, I don't have a very clear picture of it. Just guilt. Mountains of guilt and shame, I can't stop believing that I no longer deserve any of the good things that have happened to me or could happen to me in the future. I can not shake the doubt in me; that I no longer deserve a good life, or a normal one. Morality is a big thing to me, and I can't stop seeing moving past this as being morally wrong.
I have tried my best to do what I can to right this, since the moment I remembered it. I have told my parents, my cousin's parents and a close friend of mine (whom it turns out went through something similar). I felt they should know.
This is when it gets weird. I am Chinese, and according my family... what I did is almost nothing. My family, each one of them who know, were not concerned about what I did but concerned about my mental health for making it into a big deal. My mother said it was like scratching the car, except scratching the car was worse because that costs money to fix and in my situation no one was hurt. My uncle (my cousin's dad) actually laughed when he found out and joked about my honesty. According to my mom, who assures me she loves both me and my cousin alot and if I had really done something wrong she wouldn't forgive me, it would have only bothered people if I removed my cousin's clothes, or touched skin, or did it more than that once ( in which cases she said she'd be mad). They kept telling me I'm messed up over this because the cultural difference (I grew up here in the US), but in China my thing is "normal" and "almost nothing."
My friend, who is American, tells me he did something similar and he suffered for 10 years because of it, crying himself to sleep. Finally he said, he was fed up feeling that guilt and shame and decided to be happy and move foward. His rationale is I know now it was wrong, and why it was wrong, that I was a kid and it changes nothing because I am (apparently) the only one affected by it.
I think my cousin still deserves to know but my parents (who got increasing annoyed with the topic) and my uncle and aunt think she's still too young but wouldn't care either way.

In the end, it seems that I am the only one bothered by it. Morally, I don't know what the right course of action is. I've been more miserable than I thought I could ever be. Despite what my loved ones tell me, I can't shake the self-hate and doubt. Like as if I still believe that the objective morality of this thing has declared that I am doomed and I deserve it. Everyone wants me to forgive myself abd get my life back on track... to be happy. I feel I can't do that until I feel and believe I deserve it and know why I do. I can't get my head straight about this, I want to let it go (since no ones hurting but me and everyone Ive told tells me that's what I should do) but my morals won't let me. What I did was wrong, disgusting, its the worst thing i'll ever do. I don't see how its right to forgive myself. I keep thinking that there are people who would want this to haunt me if they knew, that I have no salvation, and it is those opinions that get to me. somehow the negative opinions feel like the right ones. I dont know if this makes sense but all the bad thoughts feel more correct, more safe.
Because of all the guilt and doibt, even wondering if I did it when I was 17 seems right (my cousin lives in China and I visited when I was 13 and again when I was 17). But that seems impossible because I would have been older and I was only there for a week (my mom also says it would have been impossible because I was never even alone with her when I was 17).

TL;DR
I'm sorry for making this so long. Basically I molested my cousin by touching her crotch area over the clothes once when I was 13 and she was 2. She doesnt remember and her loving parents dont care. my family and a friend all tell me it is not as bad as I am making it to be and that it changes nothing. They want me to forgive myself but I can't seem to convince myself that that is right.

hi

I have to say that I also think this was not too bad a thing to have done. Somewhat illjudged but understandable given the pornography as being a curious young teen. It does not sound like your cousin was affected by this and you have tried hard to make things right by telling ppl - who also think that this is something you should forgive yourself for. I think that trying to forgive yourself and move forward is a good plan here - try to let go of this tho I hear you when you say that is not easy for various reasons.

Take good care

Cracked

This is what it boils down to - who is hurting (presently) because of this?

Answer: YOU and you alone.

It was brave of you to tell other people. But the gamble paid off and they are fine with it.

Your cousin will not remember this. I don't know anyone who can recall memories from that early in life. Even a 3 year old has very limited capacity to form long term, episodic memories. Any memories they do hold on to are usually very abstract and out of context.

Since you are the only one suffering because of this, be thankful that it is only your suffering you must end. There is no victim from whom you must seek forgiveness, in other words. You don't need forgiveness from anyone but yourself. That is something you should get to work on immediately.

Remember that your past is just a thought that arises in your mind (memories). See these thoughts as separate from who you are. See them as objects that come and go, not an integral part of your identity. Disassociate from them. Don't ignore them when they pop into your head or try to suppress them, but look at them like you might look at a painting or photograph and just let them go when you're done with them.

Eventually you will get so tired of seeing the same old images and start letting them go quicker and quicker.

I have been working on this with my own feelings or guilt and am thankful, as you should be, that the only person to work on for forgiveness is myself.

I don't understand why you dislike yourself so much?
This is clearly a case of irrational, obsessive guilt. I dont even think that counts as molestation lol.
And even if you DID molest her....how can you say you would be doomed FOREVER?? Everyone can forgive themselves for anything if they truly want to.If someone who had actually molested a child was tormented over it and genuinely repented, wouldnt you forgive them? I know I would, if I knew them and knew they were being honest. So why can't you forgive yourself for an even lesser crime?
You are wasting your life feeling guilty over this.

Thank you so much for your replies. It is almost foreign to me how my family think its such a non-issue. My mom and dad have begun getting angry with me when I bring it up, they find my "overreaction" irritating now, sometimes they worry I am OCD or something. They tell me that what I did caused no trouble at all and was perfectly normal, but my reaction to it is "sick." But if it really is only my problem, I'll need to forgive myself. Any tips?

guilty154 wrote:My mom and dad have begun getting angry with me when I bring it up, they find my "overreaction" irritating now, sometimes they worry I am OCD or something. They tell me that what I did caused no trouble at all and was perfectly normal, but my reaction to it is "sick." But if it really is only my problem, I'll need to forgive myself. Any tips?

Frick ~ do I ever relate to this!! My parents and family and friends have been really alienated from me because of my continued guilty confessions and need to discuss my actions. I definitely find it hard to accept that anyone could love me, which I am sure is very harmful and I try to cut out. It is possible that you have OCD so maybe try to get a diagnostic test at your doctors.

As for forgiving yourself. I'm stuck with that too. Maybe do volunteering and charity work. That could help. Best of luck.

Heh, it is always nice to hear that people out there have such comprehensive support networks of people who care and love them.

I actually do charity and volunteer work alot, and it's nice when I'm not thinking about how much better and more deserving of love the people I work with are than me.

I recently told my best friend who was sexually abused as a child (and still struggles with it but thank god he's getting better). He was very sarcastic when I told him (and he made alot of very inappropriate jokes) and he made it clear that he doesn't think I did anything wrong. He then spent an hour making more horrible jokes to illustrate how stupid he thinks I'm being.

So my problem is clearly within me. I can't seem to make the argument to myself that forgiving myself and letting myself be happy again is the right thing to do. I know there are people out there who would call what I did "child molestation" and those people may be right which is the thought that keeps me from moving on. I can't shake the guilt. Does anyone know what the right thing to do is? Should I turn myself in to the police? What will happen if I do?

Without any witness statements (i.e. people who SAW you do it) or physical evidence, I doubt there is anything the police would see as worth pursuing. That, and the fact you were 13... I think I'm right in saying that you have to be over 16 to be charged with child molestation.

In other words, there is no crime to report. So forget about the legal implications.

Just concentrate on your feelings of guilt. It was likely an unconscious action on your part. By that I mean, you simply followed an impulse blindly. It happens - we are slaves to our unconscious mind. That doesn't mean you shouldn't take responsibility for your actions, but it would be harsh to blame you for everything you apparently "choose" to do.

Watch this, it will challenge the notion of free will you've been brought up to accept without evidence... http://youtu.be/pCofmZlC72g

I don't mean to argue and I appreciate the reply, but I can be charged with child molestation provided what I did counts (and I think it does) especially if I confess. In fact, that may just be the only way I could be charged because my cousin lives in China and none of my family thinks I did anything wrong.
I can't figure out what the right thing to do is, so that is why I am considering turning myself in. Although, doing so will likely cause more harm than good so knowing what'll happen could help.

guilty154 wrote:I only remembered it a little over a month ago, I am 21. When it happened, I was likely 13 and my cousin was 2. All I remember was having watched way more pornography than I should have, I became curious about what I saw (it disgusts me to think about it, and I can't remember exactly why I did it... what was I curious about? I just know I did it out of some sort of curiosity, I wasn't trying to... pleasure her or myself). But we were alone in my room, and I reached over and touched her crotch over the diaper (or pants, I can't remember, it was over the clothes). I'm not sure if I rubbed or moved my fingers or anything, but I wasn't pushing or trying hard (god, this is disgusting). It can't have been for more than a few seconds, then I stopped and for some reason forgot about it until recently when I then realized the implications of what I did.

Hello guilty154, this is very similar to my current situation. I'm 21 too, and, as I've detailed on here before, though under an old account, I recently had a similar memory resurface.

I was between 11 and 14, I can't pin it down (though, like you, I feel I must have been around 12 or 13), and I bounced a baby for a second by the seat of its nappy (diaper). Literally a second, that is. It can't have been more than two.

The problem with this memory is that I can't remember anything else. I can't remember why I did it, and I can barely remember what 'it' was.

I can eliminate a few ideas - it won't have been to harm, or for my own gratification. I wouldn't have touched a child there if they weren't wearing a nappy. But in trying to understand what was going on in my head, I've pondered some very unhappy possibilities. I've visualised it from different angles, multiple versions of it, trying my best to discern whether or not I molested an infant; whether or not I 'count' as a child molester. Like yourself, I thought I was a decent, considerate, harmless guy, and that to be something so cruel would be impossible, absolutely beyond me. But the guilt has been incredible, and it usually feels fully deserved.

Some days, though, I calm down and 'zoom out' from my worries and examine the evidence. What do I actually remember? Bouncing this baby by the seat of its nappy. Now, why do I remember that? This inconsequential one second of life from almost ten years ago. What could I have been thinking at the time?

I don't know. The answers, if there were any, are lost to the past. The only traces of this second ever happening are in my head, and they're all fragmented. Everyone I've spoken to, from girlfriend to friends to counsellors, tells me it is useless to dwell, that I am not a child molester. I wish I could embrace that.