I did something terrible - guilt is killing me (rightly so)

epiphany55 wrote:I can't quite believe I'm writing such a desperate post, but the guilt is becoming too much to handle.

Since I am still too ashamed to reveal exactly what I did, I want to clarify what I DIDN'T do. This is important, because I'm aware in some people's eyes, some crimes are unforgivable. If I HAD done any of the below crimes, I would not be posting on a forum - granted I would be turning myself in to the authorities.

1) I did not, nor did I intend to kill someone.

2) I did not commit a sex-related crime.....

I don't actually feel that you will feel ok again until you actually come to terms with what you did.

Your first step should be to seek out counseling - and I mean from someone really good - a licensed psychologist or social worker who really is well informed, well trained and well experienced.

I actually think that you should also go to a lawyer, discuss what happened, and review what your next action should be. Depending on what actually happened, 'what to do' may be - nothing at all legally, but perhaps a lot, as far as your mental health goes.

Lawyers are bound by confidentiality. This means you can discuss your crime with a lawyer, and the lawyer can advise you, but is under no requirement to turn you in to the police, or anything like that. The lawyer will however advise you what is the best thing to do.

For example, there are amnesty programs for people who turn themselves in. Depending on your crime you could receive a light sentence, or just probation, for turning yourself in. If the crime is severe you may still face time in jail - but oddly enough, that may actually be the thing that leads you back to a decent life.

The reason is this - we tend to punish ourselves for our wrongs. You're doing it now, and I think you will, quite honestly, ruin your life, through your own punishments to yourself, if you do nothing more than just sit and stew about this.

I've seen people do this. Just sit and chew on something til it just drives them to destroy themselves.

You may think that you can just talk about it a little, and then 'slide through' and everything will be ok. No repercussions, no jail time, no embarrassment, and so on. If you can just sit down and talk to someone about it.

I'll tell you right now...I'm an old lady and I've seen people try to 'slide' through things like this. It really does not work.

Without knowing your crime I can't really say what legal action you would take or even, if you would still be prosecutable, for what happened. I don't know that. But a lawyer will know that and will advise.

Humans have an incredible sense of justice that is built into themselves. We're born with it. That's been proven, actually, by research, we're born knowing, basically, what's good and bad. Not in detail each law of each country, but we have a general sense of it and we know when we have gone outside that limit.

What we do to ourselves, to punish ourselves, is often far, far more damaging, and far, FAR more permanent, than anything a court could ever do.

If you just continue to do what you are doing now, it is fairly likely, that you will destroy yourself. You'll wind up doing self-destructive things. You'll punish yourself, one way or the other.

Please don't do that. See a counselor and a lawyer, and start putting your feet onto a far, far better life.

Thank you smithywise.

I have done a lot in the past two weeks to both investigate why I did what I did and what this means as far as who I am now, going into the future.

I feel like I'm slowly becoming stronger every day (with help from the very kind folk on this forum) and realizing that I can use my past to shape who I am today - a more compassionate, less judgemental person.

If you genuinely don't think this will work then I am wasting my time trying to make any progress on my own. But it feels like I am making progress, on a very deep level. I'm not trying to repress the memory, I'm just stepping back and observing it, acknowledging it happened and that it was a terrible thing and being thankful that there is no long term suffering.

I don't think a lawyer or going down the whole legal route will do anything more productive than what I am doing myself, and I doubt I would get prison. In fact, it may set me back in becoming a better person and it will cause more suffering to others. If someone was currently suffering because of what I did, then of course that would be a whole different matter.

Any debt to society is being paid to charity. I hope my donation will go a long way. All I will say is, without wanting to play some kind of karmic judge, I wouldn't have donated it had I not done what I did and felt the guilt 3 years later. Crime or no crime, I was self absorbed before the guilt hit me, and charity was just a few coppers in a tin from my loose change. Now it's something that can make a real difference.

One day, when I earn enough to work less, I hope to get more involved in charity work. I know that's easy to say, but I feel it as deeply connected to how my past will shape who I become.

This is a true awakening for me and, while I still have some way to go, I know I will come out a better person and someone who will learn to embrace my past mistakes as part of my evolution.

While that might not please those who seek cold retribution at every turn, may they judge me on the person I AM, not the person of my past, as we all must do every day as we meet new people and judge them freshly and presently.

epiphany55 wrote:Thank you smithywise.

I have done a lot in the past two weeks to both investigate why I did what I did and what this means as far as who I am now, going into the future.

I feel like I'm slowly becoming stronger every day (with help from the very kind folk on this forum) and realizing that I can use my past to shape who I am today - a more compassionate, less judgemental person.

If you genuinely don't think this will work then I am wasting my time trying to make any progress on my own. But it feels like I am making progress, on a very deep level. I'm not trying to repress the memory, I'm just stepping back and observing it, acknowledging it happened and that it was a terrible thing and being thankful that there is no long term suffering.

I don't think a lawyer or going down the whole legal route will do anything more productive than what I am doing myself, and I doubt I would get prison. In fact, it may set me back in becoming a better person and it will cause more suffering to others. If someone was currently suffering because of what I did, then of course that would be a whole different matter.

Any debt to society is being paid to charity. I hope my donation will go a long way. All I will say is, without wanting to play some kind of karmic judge, I wouldn't have donated it had I not done what I did and felt the guilt 3 years later. Crime or no crime, I was self absorbed before the guilt hit me, and charity was just a few coppers in a tin from my loose change. Now it's something that can make a real difference.

One day, when I earn enough to work less, I hope to get more involved in charity work. I know that's easy to say, but I feel it as deeply connected to how my past will shape who I become.

This is a true awakening for me and, while I still have some way to go, I know I will come out a better person and someone who will learn to embrace my past mistakes as part of my evolution.

While that might not please those who seek cold retribution at every turn, may they judge me on the person I AM, not the person of my past, as we all must do every day as we meet new people and judge them freshly and presently.

You're twisting what I wrote. I have no interest in 'cold retribution'. This is about survival and mental health, nothing more. If you think you can handle it without taking rational steps that also just coincidentally avoid you having to deal with what you did other than by thinking about it, I wish you all the best, but I doubt your plan will work.

hi
I know what you are going through, it is painful, but, we must understand we did not know who or who we were In the past and mistakes were made.
Christ said on the cross, Forgive them Father for they know not what they do".
Christ has forgiven us because He knows human nature.
There are times I get attacked by guilt, other times I am not.
I have been going through it tonight, I know it will pass.
All we can do is be sorry, that is all God wants from us.
Go through it and know it will pass.
not easy, not easy, I know, just know it is an attack and it will pass.

smithywise wrote:You're twisting what I wrote. I have no interest in 'cold retribution'. This is about survival and mental health, nothing more. If you think you can handle it without taking rational steps that also just coincidentally avoid you having to deal with what you did other than by thinking about it, I wish you all the best, but I doubt your plan will work.

The retribution comment wasn't aimed at you.

The bottom line is I don't want to cause more suffering. If someone was hurting and felt justice needed to be done, then of course I would talk with them and discuss what they need me to do to make amends. I'd want their pain reduced. But the situation now is, the only thing that remains of what happened is a memory inside my head, nobody else's. Even that memory is changing "shape" every day.

So as far as avoiding unnecessary suffering and allowing amends to be made, then me dealing with it by myself seems to be the most compassionate (and, arguably, rational) way forward.

Yes, there is an entity in all of us that causes us to do things we feel responsible for.
but if we follow it's wants we become responsible for our actions.
Learn to watch your thoughts, in doing so in the future you will avoid doing what it wants you to do.
All you need to do is be sorry, which you are doing in feeling guilty.
Stop beating yourself up, let it go and learn from this experience.
Listen to granny.

epiphany55 wrote:Thanks I will look at what's available out there. Therapy might be an option as long as the councellor doesn't feel my not revealing everything as counter-productive. xx

Hey Epiphany55,
You have literally taken the words out of my mouth. Everything you have said I have thought EXACTLY the same thing e.g walking down the street and thinking 'I wonder if he's done something as morally reprehensible as I have'

Like you I have done nothing to anyone else but I cannot forgive myself for what I did around two years ago.
I had to split up with my girlfriend because we met in another country and I had to come back to the UK. I came back, feeling awful and started looking at lots of porn online and that's when what happened, happened, a few times.

It was totally out of character for me and cannot forgive myself.

I have always tried to do the right thing in life, be kind and generous to people round me and so I cannot for the life of me understand why I did what I did.

I think I have done the same thing as you and I'm not really too sure how to handle it.

You sound like a really friendly guy, and that is how people see me too, which is why I cannot understand what I did and cannot forgive myself. Maybe in time...

Sorry if I was repeating myself but to actually find someone else, my age (27) who is in the same situation, I know EXACTLY what you are going through.

hopefully somehow we can both find a way around this!

Have you spoken to a therapist?

You are suffering needlessly.
You have not done anything so terrible.
If I told you the story of my sins you would see yours as nothing.
God forgives, why can't you forgive your small infractions.
You don't need a therapist, you need to forgive yourselves.

downinlondon wrote:I had to split up with my girlfriend because we met in another country and I had to come back to the UK. I came back, feeling awful and started looking at lots of porn online and that's when what happened, happened, a few times.

Hi mate. From reading that, it's not that clear what you did. Did you just masturbate to porn (sorry for asking such a personal question)? Or do you mean something more than that, like the type of porn? It's ok if you're not ready to reveal all yet.

downinlondon wrote:Sorry if I was repeating myself but to actually find someone else, my age (27) who is in the same situation, I know EXACTLY what you are going through.

hopefully somehow we can both find a way around this!

Have you spoken to a therapist?

It does get easier, as I'm sure you can tell from the difference between my first post in this thread (my first post on this forum in fact), which reads kind of embarrassing and desperate and my most recent posts which sound more positive. I'm starting to find ways of dealing with this and talking with others who are feeling remorse has helped tremendously.

Although I still get caught up in that game of "I bet what I did is the worst thing on this forum". It's a silly game but I still play it. The fact that I still can't bring myself to type what I did is telling of its seriousness. Some people have been very brave and laid bare in graphic detail their misdeeds. I just can't do that and I almost feel like I'm undermining the purpose of this forum, but I suppose I just can't bear to see it written out for all to see.

I haven't spoken to a therapist yet (similar problem of saying what I did), but I think that would be a good idea as I'm still having bad days when I just withdraw and feel like my life is over.

It does hurt more when you know how out of character a past misdeed was, doesn't it? To know that, if anyone ever pulled you up on it, it would be like they're talking to a different person.

If you ever need to chat about anything, there are many people on here, myself included, who will help you get through this. The general advice does seem to be therapy for the serious remorse issues but also things like making amends where you can, giving to charity etc. One guy on here started helping at a local homeless shelter. Basically turning negative consequences into positive. Let what you did be a trigger for untold good over your lifetime.

Good luck!

-- Fri Apr 11, 2014 1:01 am --

madera91 wrote:You are suffering needlessly.
You have not done anything so terrible.
If I told you the story of my sins you would see yours as nothing.
God forgives, why can't you forgive your small infractions.
You don't need a therapist, you need to forgive yourselves.

My bold: I just can't believe that right now, but I'll have to give you the benefit of the doubt!

You're right of course, all this suffering is needless. Every person who comes on here is beating themselves up in some way. I see it as a rite of passage. It's very difficult to not punish yourself after violating your moral principles.

I also have to keep reminding myself that I am not a victim here, even though I feel like one since my pain has long since outlived the pain I caused.

The truth is I can't forgive myself. It's a duality (I vs myself) I increasingly cannot connect with. I understand and appreciate the sentiment though. If God is up there, I hope she/he/it judges me on my willingness to change for the better and make good from bad.

P.S. you seem like a very compassionate and forgiving person from reading your posts. We need more people like you in the world.